


After all

by Eve1978



Category: James 'Bucky' Barnes - Fandom, Steve Rogers - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate universe - they are veterans not superheroes, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Baggage, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Threesome - F/M/M, stucky au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-03-04 17:42:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 55,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13369857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: You’re at a low point in your life when you start sharing an apartment with Steve and Bucky. All you wanted was a roof over your head but you soon grow attached to these men and learn that you’re not the only one who’s struggling with the past.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally did it! I’ve wanted to write a Stucky x Reader fic for so long because it combines two of my favorite things to write, but for some reason I haven’t been able to get it right yet.   
> I’ll be very honest here, I struggle reading these fics because I’m such a Stucky shipper and in my eyes when those two boys have each other they don’t need a third person messing that up.   
> But then during my holiday break I just started writing and somehow these characters came to life for me and I could see a story there. Finally! :)

Your hands were shaking as you stuffed some of your belongings into your suitcase. You blindly grabbed the first things you could find, some clothes, your favorite books, laptop, underwear.   
  
You had to be quick, if you stalled, if you hesitated even for a second, you’d lose the will to actually go through with this.

Your eye sight was blurred by tears, you couldn’t even remember when you’d started crying again. You angrily wiped them from your cheeks and closed the suitcase. You took your coat and your purse and allowed yourself one last look at your room. 

It was nothing more than a big comfortable bed and a closet, it didn’t seem like much at all looking at it right now, yet for the past year this place had been everything to you. 

It was only ever supposed to be a temporary solution, all you were looking for was a roof over your head. You’d gotten a lot more than that.

A home, a safe haven, and the love of two of the most amazing men you’d ever meet.

Just thinking of what you were about to lose shattered your heart into a million tiny pieces. But you didn’t have a choice. It was the only right thing to do.

You pulled your suitcase into the hallway, trying to be quiet so you wouldn’t wake them.

Steve’s bedroom door was ajar, it wasn’t unusual for him to leave it open for you in the mornings, giving you the option to join him should you choose to, never any hard feelings if you didn’t.   
  
It sounded so tempting right now, to just slip in there, into the warmth of his comfortable bed and the safety of his strong arms. 

Fuck doing the right thing, Steve was in there right now waiting for you, ready to kiss those tears away and make it all better. 

This didn’t have to be the morning it all ended, it could just be another perfect morning like you’ve had so many before. Lazy morning cuddles followed by slow morning sex until you were both sated, or until Steve had to leave for work and he had to pry himself out of bed.

By the time you got out of the shower Bucky would already be waiting for you in the kitchen, your cup would be filled with coffee and he’d be making your eggs just the way he knew you liked them. Then easy morning conversations over breakfast with Bucky’s hand soothingly on your back while you played with his hair. Followed by more kisses that tasted of coffee and sleep and him trying to convince you to call in sick from work and spend the rest of the day with him.

No matter how much your heart ached for them you knew those mornings were no longer an option. You swallowed down your tears and moved away from the hallway.

To stay now would be selfish, and they didn’t deserve your selfishness, not after everything they gave to you. They deserved their happiness and if that meant sacrificing your own it was a price you were willing to pay.

It had taken you a while to see it but it was crystal clear to you now: nobody on this entire planet had ever loved anyone more than Steve Rogers loved Bucky Barnes, and nobody on this entire planet had ever loved anyone more than Bucky Barnes loved Steve Rogers.

And there was no room for a third person in this scenario.

It was the most painful, harsh truth you’d ever had to face but you knew you had to accept it. You’d been living in a fairytale for too long and it was finally time to wake up.

You put on your coat and carefully shut the door of the apartment behind you.  
  
By the time Bucky and Steve woke up you’d be long gone and out of their lives, and everything could finally be as it should be.

## ****

_**-1 year ago-** _

“I’m sorry but both your latest applications have been denied.”

Maria, the employee behind the desk in front of you, was polite but you knew she was just doing her job and probably couldn’t wait to get rid of you and move onto the next customer.

You sighed in frustration and leaned back in the chair. “It’s just…what am I supposed to do? I can’t get an apartment without a job but nobody will hire me if I can’t give them an address.”

“Where have you been staying these past months?” Maria asked while she was staring at her computer.

“With a friend,” you lied,” but I can’t stay there for much longer, I need to find a place of my own.”

“Where is this friend located?”

“She’s…I’d rather not say.”

“Where have you been staying, Y/N?” she asked again and this time her eyes met yours. You could see genuine sympathy in there and you sighed.

“In my car, okay,” you confessed,” I’ve been staying in my car.”

“You’re homeless?”

“I’m not homeless, I live in my car, I don’t sleep on the street or anything, it’s just been a tough couple of months.”

She was looking at her computer screen again while she nodded her head.

You wanted to get up and leave. This would just end up in another rejection and with another pair of eyes looking at you all sad like you were some lost cause they needed to take pity on.   
That’s not what you wanted people to see when they looked at you, it’s not who you were.

“Look, Maria, thank you for your help but I’ll just find something by myself, it’s fine,” you were already standing up and ready to leave when she leaned forward and put her hand on your arm.

“Wait, I may have something for you.”

You hadn’t realized just how desperate you were until she spoke those words and tears sprung to your eyes and your voice was shaking,” You have?”

“It’s not ideal but they’re not asking for a lot of money, or any paperwork, which would be very helpful in your case,” she explained.

You sat back down and watched her write an address on a small note before handing it to you,” It’s a great apartment, worth a lot more than what these guys are asking for.”

“So what’s the catch?” you asked.

“The catch,” she sighed and met your eyes, it was obvious there was a lot more there than she was telling you.

“Look,” she settled after a little hesitation,” These are two wonderful men looking for a roommate.”

“You said it wasn’t ideal,” you pointed out.

She sighed before speaking the next words,” The truth is Mr Rogers and Mr Barnes are both veterans who struggle with some…issues, this doesn’t put them very high on the list of ideal roommates. But they are kind and warm people. They deserve a chance, maybe you’re the right person to give it to them?”

You nodded your head, trying to process what she just told you.

Ex military? You weren’t entirely convinced this was a better option than staying in your car for a while longer.

“Look, how about you just meet with Mr Rogers before you decide,” Maria encouraged you,” If you still think it’s not a good fit then we’ll do our best to keep looking out for something else, okay?”

You sighed but nodded your head. 

The truth was you’d been looking for an apartment for months now without any results. It was clear there wasn’t a better option on the horizon. 

You may as well meet with the guy, what did you really have to lose?

“Okay,” you agreed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

You had a clear image in your head of what to expect when you knocked on Steve Roger’s door. 

A typical ex soldier, short hair, hard lines across his face, all muscle but cold eyes. Someone who had his guard up, was strict and short-spoken, withdrawn and a little gloomy.   
Everything you’d envisioned when Maria told you he was a veteran with _issues_.

But Steve Rogers was nothing like that.

His smile was bright and warm, he had sunny blond hair and sparkling blue eyes and for a moment you were sure you must have picked the wrong apartment.

He wore a light blue jeans and a flannel shirt, he was barefoot and had a few day’s old stubble on his face. He looked completely relaxed and carefree. The only thing that fitted with ex military was the muscle he was clearly sporting underneath that shirt.

His smile was so genuine you couldn’t help but smile back at him,” Um, hi, Mr Rogers?”

His hand wrapped around yours, warm and soft,” Steve, please, there’s no need for formalities here. You must be Y/N, please come in.”

The apartment was big and quite luxurious. There wasn’t a lot of furniture but thanks to the warm colors and a few personal touches it didn’t feel clinical or too modern, it felt like a home. You instantly liked it.

Steve walked you towards the kitchen, pulled out one of the kitchen stools for you to sit on and offered you some coffee, which you gladly accepted. 

His polite and kind nature had a calming effect on your nerves. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy and you quickly relaxed in his presence.  
  
“So,” he started, giving you another encouraging smile while he handed you your coffee,” Maria told us you were looking for a place?”

“Yes, I have been…in between houses for a while now,“ you avoided the word _homeless_ and Steve didn’t push for more details, which you were very grateful for.

“I have some money saved up,” you continued,” enough to pay rent for the first couple of months.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

“And I’m looking for a job,” you added,” I’ll take anything that crosses my path, I’m not picky so you don’t need to worry about not getting paid on time.’

He nodded his head and you noticed his smile was fading a little bit.

“You can ask me anything else you need to know,” you quickly tried to reassure him.

Having seen the apartment and the friendly man sitting in front of you any hesitations you might have had were now gone. 

You wanted this place, you needed it. 

Suddenly you couldn’t bear the thought of having to spend one more night in the back of your car and you were ready to answer any questions Steve may have if that would convince him to pick you.

“I don’t think we need to know more,” Steve looked at you and stood from his chair,” Maybe I can show you the rest of the apartment?”

“That would be great, thank you.”

You followed him down the hallway. He showed you the bathroom and the balcony and another room that served as a library/study and then he walked you past the three bedrooms.

“The largest bedroom would be yours,” he spoke, putting a smile on your face,” this one is mine and the one at the end of the hall is James’.”

You noticed his voice was shaking a little when he spoke that last name.

“James is Mr Barnes?” you asked.

“Yes,” Steve confirmed. He turned his back to you and walked back towards the kitchen, not giving you time to ask anything else. You followed him until he suddenly stopped.

“Look, Y/N, I…there’s…there’s something I should tell you,” he turned around to look at you and the face you saw now suddenly looked very different from the one that greeted you by the door.

There were several hard lines in his features and even some dark circles underneath those pretty blue eyes, but what you noticed most was the look of worry spread all across his face. 

“Mr Rogers, is everything okay?” you asked.

“Please call me Steve,” he said before sitting down on the couch,” Y/N, you seem like a really sweet girl, I don’t know if…you must have other options than this.”

“I don’t,” you answered quickly and truthfully.

“James is…he has nightmares,” Steve’s voice was definitely shaking this time.

“It’s okay, Maria told me about the ptsd.”

“It’s more than that,” Steve explained,” Sometimes he doesn’t know where he is, or who he is, and it doesn’t only happen at night either it can be the middle of the day, he’ll just shut down. Sometimes the nightmares get so loud you won’t get any sleep at al.”

His words put goosebumps all over your arms and Steve looked up to meet your eyes.

“The landlord has threatened to kick us out because of the noise, we agreed to pay more rent so he would let us stay but…we can’t afford it on our own. But look, none of this is your problem,” he sighed, annoyed at himself for telling you too much already.

“We’ll make it work,” he continued, trying to convince you but failing horribly,” You don’t need to put yourself in this situation, if you have any other options you should look into those.”

“I don’t have any other options,” you repeated, firmer this time.

He’d been so honest with you about their situation, you might as well do the same about yours. 

”Steve, the truth is I’ve been living in my car for the past 7 months,” you confessed,” I don’t have anywhere else to go, my family is gone, I don’t know anyone in this entire city, I don’t know what else…”

Your voice broke and you swallowed your last words.

“Look, I don’t care if it’s hard,” you spoke the words softly, trying not to give into the tears forming in the back of your eyes,” I don’t care, it will still be a hundred times better than what I’m used to. Please?”

“Okay,” he whispered, putting you out of your misery.

“Yes?” the sudden happy smile on your face made him laugh and he nodded his head.

“When do you want to move in?”

***

Some people would say it was faith that brought you all together, but you didn’t believe in faith, not back then anyway.

You moved in with Steve and Bucky later that same day. Steve greeted you by the door and immediately relieved you of your suitcase.

“That’s all you’ve got?” he asked.  
  
“Yeah, I…I sort of left in a hurry, and I don’t really get attached to things so, yeah, that’s all I’ve got,” you explained and he answered your explanation with a warm smile.

“I”ll go put this in your room.”

“Thank you, Steve.”

He returned to the kitchen less than a minute later.

“Is it okay if I grab a coffee?” you asked.

“This is your home now, you can take anything you want.”

You smiled at the casual way those words rolled off his tongue. He sat down at the kitchen counter while you tried to figure out the coffee machine.

You waited for the machine to heat up and watched as Steve wrote several things down and then pushed the paper towards you.

“This is my phone number, and this is James’ but I think it’s best if you always call me first if there’s a problem, this is my number at work,” he took something out of his pocket,” and these are your house keys: front door and apartment door.”

You smiled when he dropped them into your hands and you met his eyes.

“Thank you,” you grinned.

“My pleasure.”

“No, I mean it, Steve, thank you,” you repeated, more serious this time,” If you guys hadn’t taken me in I wouldn’t know what I would have done.”

He gave you a sympathetic nod, you could tell he had questions but he seemed hesitant to ask any of them and just took the coffee cup you handed him.

“Tough times, huh?” he then asked, putting the ball in your court.

“You could say that,” you avoided his eyes and he took the hint and didn’t push further.

“So are there any house rules I should know about?” you changed the subject.

“Just one, but it’s a very important one and we really must insist you obey it,” he gave you a serious look that suddenly made you feel nervous.

“What is it?”

His lips curled into a little smile,” The only rule is you have to treat this place as your home from now on, we want you to feel comfortable here and if there’s anything that bothers you please just tell us about it.”

“Okay,” you smiled and relaxed,” I guess I can do that.”

“Good,” he grinned.

“So, when can I meet our other resident?”

Once again you watched Steve’s smile fade from his face within seconds. 

You wanted to kick yourself in the face, it was clear James was a sensitive subject and you would have to learn not to casually drop his name in the middle of conversation. Steve’s whole demeanor had just changed right before your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled,” I’m so sorry, Steve, I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, you did nothing wrong,” he gave you an encouraging smile but it didn’t reach his eyes,” James is…he will meet you when he’s ready. I know that doesn’t sound very reassuring but he doesn’t do well with unexpected situations or…people.”

You nodded your head,” It’s okay, I didn’t meant to push, I was just excited to meet him, that’s all. It can wait, don’t worry about it.”

Steve shook his head and sighed,” God, we’re really crappy roommates, aren’t we? Are you sure you don’t wanna go back to living in your car?”

You laughed and to your surprise he laughed with you and this time his eyes lit up too.

“I think I’m good right here,” you reassured him.

***

The first week in the apartment was uneventful. Steve was in and out a lot for his job so you barely saw him and James always seemed to stay hidden in his room. 

It had been 4 days and you still had’t seen any sign of Mr Barnes.

Part of you wasn’t really sure there was actually a third person living with you and Steve.   
Maybe James was just a fragment of Steve’s imagination, on old war buddy he was unable to let go so he kept him alive in his mind even though he had actually died on the field many years ago.

You were almost concerned enough to have an actual talk about it with Steve when on the 5th night everything changed.   
The night you were woken up by gut wrenching screams from the room at the end of the hall, and James Barnes suddenly became a reality.

His screams were like nothing you’d ever heard before and they cut through you like a knife, making every hair on your arms stand up. It sounded like he was in actual physical pain, like someone was right there in his room with him, torturing him in the worst ways imaginable.

Your jumped out of bed, not even caring that you were only wearing a t-shirt.   
  
You rushed out of your room and into the hallway towards his room. You were about to put your hand on his door handle when someone grabbed your wrist to stop you.

“Don’t.” Steve’s voice was firm.

You looked at him in shock,” You can’t just let him…we have to wake him up, you have to get in there!”

“There’s nothing we can do, he doesn’t want us to,” Steve sighed,” He won’t let anyone in there.”

He put his hand on the door handle and tried to open it but it was locked from the inside.

“He locks himself in?” you shivered as you spoke the words.

“Sometimes he forgets to lock it, which is why I rushed over here to stop you,” Steve explained,” It’s just that…he doesn’t always know where he is when you wake him up, he thinks he’s being attacked and anyone that comes close to him…”

He didn’t need to finish that sentence.

“I’m sorry,” you nodded your head in understanding,” God, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s not your fault, I had the same urge during the first weeks, I just wanted to pull him out, make the pain stop, you know. One time I went in there and he nearly choked me to death with his knee,” he confessed,” another time he smashed the back of my head into the mirror so hard I fainted and bled all over the carpet.”

“My god, Steve,” you stared at him in horror, unable to think of a decent response.

“After that he started locking his door. Just promise me that under no circumstances you will ever go into this room without his clear consent,” Steve warned you.

“Yeah, of course I won’t, I promise.”

The screaming was slowly wearing down and you both waited outside his door a little longer until it was quiet again.

“He’s getting better,” Steve then whispered,” they don’t last as long now as they did before.”

He was avoiding your eyes and you knew he was biting back tears.

“What happened to him?” you asked softly.

“That’s a conversation for another day,” Steve looked at you and gave you a weak smile,” You should go back to bed, try and get some sleep.”

Steve disappeared behind his bedroom door before you could say anything else. You waited in the hallway a little bit longer before returning to your own room.

You would lay awake for at least another hour after that, thinking of these two men and what their story was.   
You hoped James would be quiet for the rest of the night, not because you were worried about your own sleep but because you knew what it was like to be haunted by nightmares and bad memories.   
And by the sound of it yours were nothing compared to what he was going through.

You hadn’t even met him yet but your heart was already breaking for James Barnes.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your feedback and comments!
> 
> This chapter is a little lighter than the previous ones, but there is still some angst, and plot. And it’s time to meet Bucky.

It was several days later when you finally met James Barnes in the flesh, and it was the most casual thing ever.

You were standing in the kitchen making breakfast when you heard footsteps coming up behind you. You knew Steve had already left the house so there was only one person this could be.

You continued filling your bowl with cereal when you heard him move next to you to take his own bowl from the shelve. You had anticipated meeting him for so long, now that it was about to happen you were suddenly overcome with nerves.

“Do you need milk?”

His deep voice shook you and it took you a few seconds to answer,” Um, yeah, thanks.”

You heard him open the fridge and it wasn’t until he walked back towards you that you found the courage to actually turn around and face him. He gave you a little smile and filled your bowl with milk.

The sight of him took your breath away.

He was only wearing boxers and a grey t-shirt, his long dark hair was messy and a little curly and his sleepy hooded eyes were proof he had just woken up.

You noticed the arm, or the absence of it, but you were too distracted by his face to really pay attention.  
  
He had the most gorgeous face you had ever seen, cheek bones you could cut yourself on, plump pouty lips and clear skin and his blue eyes were so soft and warm they chased away all the nerves you’d felt just a minute ago.

James Barnes was beautiful, he was damn near perfect, and suddenly the realization that those screams you heard one night had come from this beautiful man made your heart hurt.

“You have to say stop,” his voice brought you back to reality.

“Sorry?”

“The milk, I don’t know how much you want.”

“Oh,” you looked down at the bowl that was almost ready to spill over,” Stop! Sorry, um…thank you.”

He gave you another sweet smile,” My pleasure.”

“So you’re James?” you carefully tried to start up a conversation.

“I’m James but my friends call me Bucky.”

He saw the hesitation on your face.

“You can call me Bucky,” he added, putting a smile on your face.

“Okay, Bucky, I’m Y/N, I’m glad to finally meet you.”

He sat down on the kitchen counter and started eating and this time you couldn’t help but notice his missing left arm.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky noticed your eyes and looked down a little embarrassed,” I have a prosthetic I just forgot to put it on, I usually put it on after I shower.”

“Please don’t apologize,” you shook your head,” I should be apologizing for staring at you, that was so rude, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright, it’s kinda hard to miss, isn’t it?” he gave you a little smile that made you feel better and you smiled back which seemed to put him at ease too.

“It’s really nice to meet you too, Y/N,” he then spoke softly,” I’m sorry if I’ve been keeping you up at night.”

“Can we make a rule? Like a house rule just between the two of us?”

He looked at you in surprise.

“You never have to apologize to me for anything, ever, in fact I forbid it, no apologies.”

The grin on his face warmed your heart. “Never?” he then asked.

“Never,” you confirmed.

“What if I take the last bit of milk and then leave the empty carton in the fridge, not even then?”

You laughed,” Not even then.”

“Good because I just did that,” he smirked and you both laughed.

“Okay,” he then answered softly and his eyes met yours with that sad look you would come to know so well. You knew he understood.

After that morning you started meeting Bucky for breakfast more often. He didn’t come out of his room every day, some nights were so horrible he didn’t sleep at all and you knew he wouldn’t show after a night like that.

It killed you not to go into his room on those mornings just to see how he was doing but you kept your promise to Steve. Bucky’s room was off limits and you knew he needed his space.  
  
On those days where he felt like he could use some company he emerged from his room and sat next to you on the kitchen counter.   
You chatted about casual little things like the New York winter weather, or a stupid reality show you watched the night before, or how Steve always brings the wrong cereal from the shop even though Bucky’s asked him plenty of times.

Bucky makes you laugh. 

It was the last thing you expected and it feels like it should be the other way around, that you should be the one cheering him up, but every breakfast you share with him ends in laughter.

There are two Bucky’s. 

There’s the one who screams at night or who suddenly shuts down in the middle of a conversation, the one that gets lost in his mind sometimes and doesn’t want to be around anyone for days.   
  
And then there’s the other Bucky. The one who tells you silly jokes over breakfast, the one who knows all the lyrics to Super bass by Nicki Minaj, the one who’ll just pop out of his room in the middle of the day with a bright smile on his face and watches Masterchef with Steve on the couch like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

You’re not sure which Bucky makes your heart weaker but you soon find yourself caring for both.

Somewhere during your third week in the apartment he touches you for the first time. A few locks of hair fell in front of your eyes while you were talking and Bucky gently brushed them back behind your ear, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Your heart leaped.

It was completely silly and you didn’t pay it any more attention at the time but it started right there, with a simple touch followed by another one of his stupid jokes that had you giggling like a schoolgirl.

You fell in love with Bucky Barnes long before you ever realized it.

***

Mornings were for Bucky, evenings were for Steve. It was a routine you quickly grew accustomed to.

You spent the nights on the couch with Steve, tv playing in the background, him sitting on one side with his legs on the coffee table while you took up the rest of the couch.

Steve was scribbling away in his notebook. You noticed he never actually watched the screen, once he started writing he would get completely emerged in it and the rest of the room would disappear. You never asked what was in the notebook.

You had chatted a little with him earlier and afterwards fell into that familiar comfortable silence you two had developed during your first weeks of living together.   
You enjoyed Steve’s company more than you could put into words, his presence alone seemed to always have a calming effect on you.

“So, Y/N, what do you wanna do with your life?” Steve asked after a little while.   
  
He didn’t even look up and his voice sounded way too casual for such a loaded question. You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Can we maybe start with something a bit simpler like ‘how was your day?’”

He looked up and gave you a sweet smile,” Okay, sorry, _how was your day_?”

“My day was fine, how was yours?”

“My day was okay, thank you, had a couple of rough sessions but it all ended well.”

Steve had talked to you about his work at the VA before, never in much detail because of the privacy issues but you knew he was there to assist in group therapy sessions and help new members feel welcome.

“Is that what you want to do with your life?” you threw the question back at him,” Help out other ex soldiers like yourself?”

“It’s definitely one of the things I wanna do, yeah.”

“It’s a great cause, Steve, and I bet they’re happy to have you there.”

“Yes, it _is_ a great cause,” he agreed,” I don’t know how long I want to keep doing this, but for now it’s been very rewarding, and sort of helpful to me too.”

“I can understand that. So what else? What else is important in your life?”

His answer came immediately and without any hesitation,” Bucky.”

You smiled. 

You still didn’t know the specifics of their relationship, whether him and Bucky were more than just friends or not and there was no way you were going to ask. But there was something in Steve’s eyes every time he talked about Bucky. You wondered if that was what love looked like.

Steve seemed lost in thought for a while after that question and he sighed deeply before turning back to you and meeting your eyes.

“Okay, nice try, missy,” he gave you a little smile,” It’s your turn to answer that question now, what makes you want to get up in the morning? What makes you happy?’

You sighed and thought for a moment. “I don’t know,” you then answered truthfully.

“That’s what you need to figure out then.”

“I guess for now just having a job and making some money would be a good reason to get up in the morning.”

“How’s that going?” he asked.

“I have two job interviews tomorrow, so hopefully something will come out of it.”

Steve wished you good luck and then you both went back to sitting in silence, Steve focussing on his notebook while you switched channels and found an old movie to watch.

It was remarkable how comfortable you felt around Steve, more comfortable than you’ve felt with another human being in a very long time, let alone one of the male species.   
And judging by the way Steve acted around you he seemed to feel the same way. It would be perfectly normal for him to go up to his room or the library to write in peace but he always sat beside you during the nights, keeping you company.

You had only been here a couple of weeks but you could already feel yourself getting attached to these two men. 

Maybe even a little too attached.

When the two job interviews you went to didn’t result in anything you started visiting the temporary employment office every day, hoping for something to fall into your lap.

While you waited for news you gave yourself a few things to do that would get you out of the apartment more often. You offered to do the grocery shopping which Steve gladly accepted and you finally took the time to clean out your car which was long overdue.

That’s how you found the charger and your old phone underneath the car seat.

It was like a little blast from the past and it put a very heavy knot deep inside your stomach.

You had completely forgotten about this phone until now, you’d bought a new one soon after you arrived in the city. It seemed fitting for a new start to cut all ties with the past. Nobody needed to know how you were, and least of all where you were.

Besides, there was only one person who still had your old number and he was the reason you were here in the first place.

You sat in your car for several minutes longer, debating on what to do. You could just dispose of the phone and charger in the trash and forget all about it.

But then you’d never know if he had actually given up on trying to find you, if after all those months the messages had finally stopped and you could breathe easy again.

Your curiosity won this round and you put both items in your bag with the rest of your stuff and carried it upstairs to the apartment.

You put your phone on the charger and started cleaning up the dishes from last night while you waited for it to load.  
It didn’t take long for it to start beeping. Two messages became five, five soon became fifteen and fifteen became forty. That and a long list of missed calls.

So far for him giving up. You should have thrown it away and saved yourself the trouble.

Just seeing his name appear on the screen made you shiver all over and you angrily pulled the charger from your phone and turned it around with the screen onto the kitchen counter.

What you couldn’t see couldn’t hurt you.  
  
You sighed deeply and tried to calm yourself down. 

There was no reason to worry, you were safe in this city, there was no way he would find you here.

“Hey, everything alright?”

You literally jumped when Bucky suddenly stood in front of you.

“Is everything okay?” he asked again after seeing your reaction.

“Yeah, I’m fine, Bucky.”

“Are you sure? You seem a little jumpy,” he gave you a worried look.

“I’m just a little nervous about the job interviews, that’s all.”

It was a big fat lie and you knew Bucky saw right through you, but he just nodded his head and accepted your excuse. 

You went back to putting the dishes away. Bucky stayed to help you and you could feel his eyes on you with every move.

“Stop looking at me like that, I’m fine,” you sighed after a few minutes.

“If there’s anything you need to talk about, anything that’s bothering you, you can come to me, or Steve, if you feel more comfortable with him,” he avoided your eyes during those last words and you smiled softly.

“Thank you, Bucky, really, that means a lot but I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me.”

He looked up to meet your eyes and smiled,” Okay, but the offer stands, always.”

You nodded your head but you knew you would never take him up on it. You’d rather spend the rest of your days living in your car again than putting more weight on this sweet man’s shoulders. He had enough problems of his own not to be bothered by your petty ones.

The rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning the kitchen, Bucky stayed by your side and helped out where he could even after you’ve told him multiple times that he could just go watch tv or read. He still insisted on helping so you put him to work and let him clean out the top shelves you couldn’t reach by yourself.

After about an hour or three he got distracted and started splashing water into your face to make you laugh and make you forget about whatever he knew was bothering you.

And it worked.

“Stop it!” you laughed and grabbed a wet towel from one of the buckets and threw it onto his chest, soaking his t-shirt.

This of course only encouraged him more and he opened the faucet above the kitchen sink while holding another towel underneath it, a little smirk played on his face.

“Don’t!” you warned him,” I swear to God…”

You didn’t have time to finish that sentence before he started whipping the wet towel towards you, touching your legs and making you scream even more.

“Bucky!” you’d wanted to sound angry but you couldn’t stop laughing,” This is not cleaning the kitchen! You…fucking…I will kill you if you don’t stop! I mean it!”

“Oh yeah? I’d like to see you try!” he dared you and just continued his attack.

Steve walked in seconds later to find you two in the middle of a huge water fight, the entire kitchen floor and cabinets were wet and there were several wet towels spread out all across the floor.

Both you and Bucky stopped instantly, like two little kids getting caught in the act of mischief. Steve raised an eye brow at you both.

“Um, we were cleaning the kitchen,” Bucky explained.

“Cleaning it or flooding it?” Steve asked and he put down his bag and took off his coat before stepping closer.

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault,” you apologized and you bent down to start picking up the towels from the floor.   
When you looked up you watched Bucky throw another ice cold wet towel right at Steve’s face.

“What the fuck?!” Steve’s voice came out a lot higher than usual and you and Bucky couldn’t help but laugh.

Bucky then looked him dead in the eyes with a big grin on his face,” You stepped into a war zone, pal, better gear up.”

Steve’s serious face quickly turned into a smile. He reached for one of the towels on the sink behind him while moving away from Bucky,“ Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?”

“That’s how it’s gonna be, Rogers,” Bucky teased him back.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Steve threatened while he started hovering around Bucky, eyes locked on him like an animal looking at it’s prey.

“Oh, I was born ready, bring it,” Bucky smirked.

It didn’t take another second before Steve and Bucky were tangled in a playful fight, Steve trying to cover Bucky’s hair with a soaked towel while Bucky kept pulling at Steve’s shirt and splashing water from the faucet right into Steve’s neck, making him scream again.   
After their little battle Steve locked eyes with you and you knew cleaning the kitchen would be a task for another day.

You had forgotten all about your phone that was still lying face down on the counter. You couldn’t see the latest message coming in or the same name that kept popping up on the screen.

 _Brock_.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Reader gets a little preview of the relationship between Steve and Bucky. There’s a first fight. And Bucky gets hugged, a lot. Plenty of angst too.

You woke up to Bucky screaming again. At first you just stayed in bed, trying your hardest to ignore it, knowing there was nothing you could do for him anyway. But then you noticed the noises weren’t coming from inside his room this time. He sounded much closer.

You were out of bed within seconds and you carefully opened the door to the hallway, peeking your head out to see what was going on.  
You stepped into the hallway to find Steve’s bedroom door wide open.

When Bucky let out another gut wrenching scream you realized it was coming from inside the living room.

You made your way over there and noticed Steve had the same idea as you, he was already in the room rushing towards Bucky.

You stayed behind, thinking it wiser to let Steve handle this situation.

Bucky was on the floor, knees pulled up against his chest and rocking himself back and forth, tears streaming across his face.

Steve froze for a moment before he kneeled down beside Bucky. He gently put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, still keeping his distance, trying to assess Bucky’s state before he moved in closer.

“Bucky? Are you with me, pal?” he asked carefully.

Bucky’s eyes were wet with tears but he looked right at Steve and gave him a little nod, just enough to let Steve know he was awake and not a threat to him.

Steve didn’t hesitate any longer. He sank down on the floor next to Bucky and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him in and holding him close.

“It’s okay now,” Steve whispered and he started stroking Bucky’s hair,” It’s okay now.”

Bucky sobbed against Steve’s chest, quiet little whines that broke your heart and put tears in your eyes. Steve continued rocking Bucky in his arms, trying to calm him down.

“You’re safe,” Steve whispered,” I’m here, I won’t let them hurt you again, I promise. I promise, Buck.”

Bucky was crying softly now, hugging Steve back. “ I couldn’t find you,” his voice was shaking with sobs,” I couldn’t find you, Stevie.”

“I’m right here, I’ll always be right here, I won’t leave you alone again, not ever again, okay?”

Both men were crying now.

You felt like an intruder standing there watching what felt like such an emotional, intimate moment between the two of them. You shouldn’t be here.

When Steve kept whispered soothing words into Bucky’s ear you slowly pulled back, making your way back to your room quietly and shutting the door behind you.

Your hunch that Bucky and Steve were a little more than just friends had just been confirmed. At least you knew Bucky would be alright now that Steve was there to comfort him. That thought calmed you down as you crawled back under the covers.

You heard Steve walk Bucky to his room a little bit later. You never heard him return to his own room that night.

***

When you entered the kitchen the next morning you found Steve alone standing over the coffee machine.

His smile was soft and tired, his hair still messy from the bed and it looked like he hadn’t slept at all,” Morning.”

“Hey, are you okay?” you asked.

“It was a rough night,” Steve confessed and he took a sip from his coffee cup and put yours under the machine.

“Yeah, I heard some of it. Did he sleepwalk?”

“I’m not sure, I found him in the living room but he couldn’t tell me how he got there,” Steve sighed.

You nodded your head,” I thought he was doing so much better these past weeks and then…”

“He was,” Steve insisted,” he _is_ doing a lot better. But recovery isn’t a linear process, it’s one of the first things we learn at the VA. Someone can make remarkable progress and then the next day everything’s just bad again. And with Bucky it’s…”

He let out a deep sigh,” It’s complicated.”

You nodded your head, you didn’t want to ask him any more questions about what happened to Bucky, you figured if the time was right and Bucky wanted to share he would be the one to talk to you about it. It wasn’t Steve’s story to tell.

“He has been doing better though,” Steve added,” Having you around has been…it’s been really good for him, he’s been laughing a lot more this past month and I know it’s thanks to you.”

Hearing Steve say those words warmed your heart.

“That means a lot, thank you for telling me that, Steve,” you smiled.

“It’s not a lie, but it’s a long and difficult path. It’s important we don’t give up on him.”

“Yeah, of course not,” you quickly reassured him and you both let that thought linger for a while,” Steve, has he been out of the house at all in these past months?”

Your question was left unanswered when Bucky stepped into the kitchen. The sudden silence between you and Steve was too obvious. Bucky knew without even looking at you both he’d been the subject of conversation.

“Please, don’t stop on my account, continue talking about me as if I’m not here.”

“Bucky,” you turned to look at him and were taken aback by how bad he looked this morning.

The circles around his eyes were darker than you had ever seen them and his mouth was twisted into a painful grin.

“No, please, go on,” he then added, anger rising in his voice,” talk about the fucking basket case that needs saving from himself, that’s all you see in me anyway, isn’t it? A broken toy that’s in dire need of fixing.”

His words were aimed at both you and Steve but after his little rant Bucky’s eyes settled on yours and stayed there, making you feel very uncomfortable.

It was the first time you’d ever seen Bucky angry and it shocked you. Tears formed in your eyes, you tried to stop them but it was already too late.

Steve wanted to put a hand on your shoulder but you flinched and pulled away from both of them.

“Don’t, please,” you whispered

Your reaction seemed to wake Bucky up and he ran a hand across his face and sighed,“ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…Y/N, I’m sorry, I’m being an asshole.”

“It’s fine,” you mumbled.

“No, it’s not fine,” he immediately sounded angry again,” stop making excuses for me because you feel sorry for me, goddamned! If I’m being an asshole just tell me I’m being an asshole.”

“Fine, you’re a fucking asshole!” you yelled at him and stormed out of the room without looking back at either of them.

Bucky let out a frustrated sigh,” Fuck.”

“Feel better now?” Steve handed him a cup of coffee and a judgmental look.

“I didn’t mean to upset her.”

“Really? You could have fooled me, man.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“She’s just worried about you,” Steve added.

“Well, she shouldn’t be,” Bucky looked up to meet Steve’s eyes,” Neither should you for that matter.”

“She has a point, Buck, when was the last time you got some fresh air, huh?”

“Yesterday, if you must know.”

“The balcony doesn’t count.”

Bucky rolled his eyes again before he whispered, defeated,” There’s nothing out there for me, Steve.”

“How do you know that if you won’t even look? You still have a life, Buck, I won’t let you give up on that.”

“What life?” he sighed,” My mind’s all messed up, I can’t be around people and I’m missing a fucking arm. I’m nothing but a side show freak, Steve.”

Steve returned Bucky’s sigh and avoided looking at him. 

He knew what kind of day this would be, a ‘ _Bucky Barnes feels sorry for himself_ ’ kinda day.   
Steve never knew how to handle those, didn’t know what to say to make Bucky feel better because there wasn’t a damn thing in the world he could say to make anything better.

“Sam would love to see you at the VA some time,” Steve tried.

“No.”

“Whenever you’re ready, just know that door is always open for you, say the word and I’ll take you…”

“No,” Bucky repeated, firmer this time and he gave Steve a look that told him not to push further.

“Fine, whatever,” Steve sighed and stepped away from him, knowing it was no use, not when Bucky was in this mood.  
  
Bucky let out another annoyed sigh, he was annoyed with himself more than anything. He had already pushed you away and now he was doing the same with Steve and it was the last thing he wanted.

“Steve, wait,” Bucky put his hand on Steve’s chest to stop him,” Wait.”

“What?”

“Thank you for last night,” Bucky’s voice was suddenly so soft and loving it made all Steve’s frustration sink instantly and he put his hand over Bucky’s, lacing their fingers together and squeezing gently.

“Whatever you need, I’m here for you,” Steve whispered back and they locked eyes for a few moments before Steve pulled away,” I gotta go, I’m late for work. See you tonight?”

“I’ll be right here,” Bucky gave him a weak smile.

Steve took his phone and his bag and made his way out of the kitchen,  
”Apologize to her, will you?”

***  
  
The scene in the kitchen shook you harder than you expected, not because of what was said or because seeing Bucky in pain always hurt you too. It was his aggressive, angry tone.

A trigger.

You knew what usually followed after anger and even though you knew Bucky would never lay a finger on you in that moment he reminded you so much of someone else. Someone who would not hesitate to put his hands on you.

You completely shut down, even when Steve tried to offer a comforting touch you flinched, wanting nothing more than to run out of the room and get away from both of them, be alone with no more voices around you.

You avoided Bucky that day and the days after, which wasn’t hard to do since he stayed in his room a lot and you still had a list of job interviews to get through.   
One of them resulted in you finding an actual job.   
It was a simple waitress job in a small local Italian place but you were relieved to finally be making money again, and be out of the house during most of the day and the evening.

Apart from a few quick hellos and goodbyes you didn’t see either of the boys much that week, and you honestly preferred it that way. Taking some distance and focussing on your new job seemed to clear your head a bit.

By the time Friday rolled around you finally started to feel more like yourself again and you actually started to miss hanging out with Bucky and Steve.

You were looking forward to the weekend and that night you brought home several boxes of pizza to celebrate surviving your first week on the job.

Both men immediately looked up when you stepped into the apartment.

Steve raised his eye brows in judgment and gave you a teasing little smile,  
”Stealing from the job on the first week, huh?”

“Hey, I paid for these.”

“I was just kidding,’ he grabbed the boxes from your arms and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek in the process. You couldn’t help but smile at him.

“I thought it might be a nice peace offering,” your eyes met Bucky’s and the little thankful smile on his face was all the reward you could have asked for.

You’d missed that face, especially that smile, this past week.

Steve took some beers out of the fridge and Bucky was quick to open one of the pizza boxes and take out a big piece. “Thank you,” he grinned at you with his mouth full.

You just smiled at him and then at Steve, who shrugged his shoulders. “You brought him pizza, you’re his favorite person in the whole world right now.”

You took a seat next to Steve and opposite Bucky and you all started eating.   
  
The conversation was easy and light, they asked about your day and you filled them in on all the details of the job and the customers you had waited on that day.   
Steve talked about a new cooking show he’d watched earlier and he promised to make you his infamous spaghetti and meatballs one day. Bucky agreed it was one of the best things he ever ate and you would never be the same after.

You laughed and joked and it felt as if that one little fight never happened. Tonight was almost as if you were just three normal people living normal lives.

Bucky insisted on helping you clean up while Steve decided to call it a night and disappeared into his bedroom.

“This was a good night,” Bucky smiled while he put away the glasses,” a really good night, thank you for this.”

“I just brought the food,” you shrugged.

“That’s not all you did,” his voice turned softer,” it’s been great having you here with us, I really want you to know that.”

“Well, it’s been great living with you guys too,” you put away the towel and turned to look at him.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry for what happened last week,’ he then started but you lifted your hand to stop him.

“We don’t do apologies, remember?”

“I need to make an exception this time,” Bucky insisted and took a step closer to you, putting himself right in front of you so he could look deep into your eyes,” I was a complete asshole and you did nothing to deserve that, on the contrary, you’ve been so sweet with me and I…there’s no excuse, I was an asshole.”

“That you were,” you confirmed but you smiled at him anyway, letting him know there were no hard feelings anymore.

Bucky sighed deeply, trying to find the right words.

“I have trouble letting people in,” he then confessed.

“Why is that?”

“Because I’m a mess, and I’m unstable, and some days I just can’t help myself. I treat people like shit and I’ll do it again too, I know I will, I’ll do it to you again,” he scratched his neck nervously,” Look, I don’t blame you if you don’t want to be around that, it’s okay, I understand if you’re sick of it and need some space.”

“Bucky, I’m not sick of you, not at all.”

“You’re not?” he sounded genuinely surprised.

“Of course not,” you reassured him.

“What if it happens again?”

“Then we’ll deal with it again.”

He looked at you in disbelief.

“You’ll get tired of my shit, just give it time,” he then spoke softly.

You hesitated before gently putting your hand on his chest,” Bucky, I’m not going anywhere, there is nothing you can do or say that’s gonna make me wanna leave, okay?”

He smiled but he was still shaking his head and his voice was quiet,” You say that now but…”

“James,” you hit him in the chest, softly but it was enough to get his attention,  
”Listen to me, you and Steve are the best fucking thing that happened to me in a very long time. You can’t get rid of me, I’m here to stay, no stupid fight is gonna change that.”

“You promise?” his voice was shaking now.

“I promise, Bucky.”

“Okay,” he whispered and then he did the last thing you expected.

He hugged you.

It was a little hesitant at first, he carefully put his arm around your waist and leaned against you. You wrapped both arms around his neck and pulled him in, closing the space between you two and hugging him tight.

He hugged you back and buried his face against your neck while his hand gently rubbed your back

“I promise,” you repeated softly, letting your fingers run through his long hair,  
”and for the record I don’t think you’re broken, I think you’re perfect exactly the way you are.”

A sigh of relief escaped his lips and he hugged you even tighter.

You realized in that moment how easily you could get addicted to Bucky Barnes’ hugs.

***

You laid awake in bed for several hours again that night. Not because you were restless or because you were worrying like most other nights but because life was finally something you could get excited over again.

You had a place to stay, you had a job and you had two very special amazing men who cared for you.

Life was better than it had been in a very long time.

You should have known it wouldn’t last.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky takes an important step and reader helps him. There’s quite a bit of fluff in this part. I should just name this the ‘everyone loves Bucky’ chapter ;)
> 
> (I was sick while editing this part, I don’t even know if it all sounds right so forgive me if there’s mistakes, my brain isn’t fully functioning this week)

Bucky still spent a lot of time in his room over the course of the next month but he started spending more and more time in the library as well, which you took as a good sign.   
Breakfast was the same routine, some mornings he was there and others he wasn’t. Some mornings he was chatty and funny and others he barely spoke a word or looked at you.

You started accepting each day as it came, knowing it was all part of who Bucky was and part of the recovery he needed to make. The mornings you spent with him were a gift and the fact that it didn’t happen every day only made you appreciate them more.

You were having breakfast on your own one morning when he suddenly stepped into the kitchen, fully dressed in jeans and a hoodie.

“Bucky?” you asked confused.

“I’m…I’m going out,” he declared, it almost sounded like a question, as if he wasn’t entirely sure that’s what he was going to do but he was dressed now so he may as well go through with it,” I…I took the last bit of milk last night, I’m going to get milk.”

“Bucky, I can get milk for you it’s fine, you don’t have to…”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted you, sounding more certain now,” I really do, I want to…I need to do this.”

His eyes met yours and you were suddenly overcome with the biggest sense of pride realizing the huge step Bucky was about to take. It was just a trip to the grocery store at the end of the street but for Bucky it was a task much larger and complicated than that.

“Do you want me to go with you?” you asked.

He shook his head,” I need to do this on my own.”

“Okay,” you whispered.

“Okay,” he repeated and he took a deep breath, trying to find the courage to actually go through with his plan.  
He opened the door agonizingly slowly, trying to stall the moment and you stood from your seat to accompany him into the hallway.

You reached out to grab his right hand, he locked eyes with you and gave you a little nervous smile.

“I gotta try,” he then whispered,” I gotta at least do that, right? Try, for Steve, for you?”

He looked and sounded like a wounded puppy and you just wanted to hug him, pull him back inside and tell him he didn’t have to do any of this and he could just stay in the apartment for as long as he needed to, forever if that meant he would never have to feel scared again.

But that wasn’t what he needed to hear right now. You knew this was a fear he needed to conquer and you knew which words he needed.

“You can do this, James,” you whispered and squeezed his hand,” I believe in you.”

He gave you such a warm thankful smile it made your heart melt. Then he let go of your hand and you watched him disappear into the hallway. He ignored the elevator and headed straight for the stairs.

You went back inside.

You were going to be late for work but you didn’t care, there was no way you were leaving the apartment before Bucky got back.

****

It eventually took Bucky a little over an hour and when he finally made it back he just put the milk carton on the kitchen counter and disappeared into his bedroom without saying a word.

You told your boss that you overslept and agreed to work late to compensate for lost time.

You were nearing the end of your shift when a colleague tapped on your shoulder and pulled you out of your haze,“ Y/N, there’s someone here who says he knows you.”

For a moment you froze, feeling that familiar rush of panic and fear grip your heart. But then you turned around and saw the last person you expected.

You almost dropped the plate you were holding.

Bucky was standing in line waiting to be seated, wearing one of Steve’s flannel shirts and a baseball cap. He was shifting on his feet, looking a little nervous but he was here.

“Can you take him?” your colleague asked.

“Yeah, thanks, Cara, I’ll seat him, do we still have a table in the back?”

“Yeah, but it’s all the way in the back by the fire exit.”

“Perfect,” you took one of the menus and walked up to Bucky, who smiled in relief when he saw you.

“Hi,” he grinned.

“Going out twice in one day? Who are you and what have you done to my Bucky?” you teased him.

“Well, I was told this was the best pizza place in town. I also heard the service sucked a little but I guess you can’t have everything.”

Your mouth almost fell open in shock. Bucky was here and he was actually cracking a joke. Whatever happened in the grocery store this morning hadn’t knocked him, he was right here trying again and facing his fears.

You felt the urge to hug him again but you pushed it back and focused on your job.

“Well, let’s see if I can change your mind about that service. Will you please follow me to your table, sir?”

He followed you with a grin but as you were making your way through the busy restaurant you noticed his shoulders sank and the smile was gone. He was a lot more nervous than he wanted to show to you.

“I hope you don’t mind sitting in the back by the fire escape?” you handed him the menu and locked eyes with him for a few seconds.

You watched the relief on his face while he sat down.

“Thank you,” he mouthed the words, keeping them just between you.

“So what can I get you?”

The smile was back on his face,” You’re such a natural at this, I was only joking about the service thing.”

“I know, Bucky,” you laughed.

“I’ll just have a Diet Coke and let you surprise me.”

“Okay,” you smiled.

“Hey, what time to you get off?” he asked.

“A little over an hour.”

“Do you mind if I wait? So we can walk home together?”

“I’d love that,” you gave him a warm smile and he nodded.

You noticed he relaxed a little but not enough to take off the glove on his left hand. You realized his struggle to go outside and be among people was more than just a psychological barrier to overcome. It was his physical appearance that restricted him too, the fear of people looking, judging, or worse feeling sorry for him.

Just grabbing a pizza in a small Italian place two blocks away, it was a small thing people did every single day without even thinking about it. 

There was so much people took for granted every single day.

Your hand reached for him and you softly placed it on his shoulder, making him look up at you.

“Bucky,” you whispered so only he would hear,” I’m really proud of you.”

He looked down a little embarrassed at first but then a big smile spread across his face and it was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen.

***

He waited for you outside after your shift.

“Ready?” he offered you his good arm. You wrapped your hands around it with a smile while you nodded your head and let him lead the way.

“I wanted to do something,” he said after you’d been walking for a few minutes,” but I didn’t feel up to doing it on my own.”

You noticed he wasn’t walking home but instead you had stopped in front of a subway station.

“Are you sure about this?”

It was late at night and it didn’t seem to be very busy in the area but you had no idea how much Bucky could handle. Going underground, into a train, where there wasn’t an immediate way out seemed like it could be a step too far.

“You don’t have to do everything in one day, you know,” you added.

“I know, but I thought…now that I feel up to it I may as well make use of it. I thought…maybe if I had you with me…it could be okay,” he explained.

You didn’t know what to say, the fact that he trusted you enough to want to do this with you warmed your heart but you still weren’t sure it was a good idea.

“I used to take the train every day before I shipped out,” Bucky sighed,” and now…it’s just another thing on a long list of things I can’t do anymore.”

The sadness in his voice was all you needed to be convinced.

“Okay, let’s do it,” you squeezed his arm and gave him an encouraging smile.

For the first ten minutes everything went really well, going downstairs and waiting for the train seemed to cause Bucky no problems. He held onto your arm the entire time but he seemed to hold himself together pretty well.  
  
It wasn’t until you were sitting on the train for a few stops that you noticed him becoming nervous. After a while he leaped from his seat to stand against the side of the door. You could see his chest rise and fall fast, he was struggling to breathe.

You didn’t hesitate to follow and you placed yourself right in front of him.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” you tried to keep your voice calm and not too loud.

There weren’t that many people in the carriage but you still didn’t want to draw any attention to you and Bucky. You knew that would only worsen his situation.

“It’s the noise,” he stuttered,” there’s so much of it I can’t…”

He nervously rubbed his hands over his face and started shaking his head, his bottom lip was shaking.

“Hey, it’s okay, Bucky, look at me,” you grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to you, forcing him to look into your eyes,” Look at me, baby.”

You weren’t sure where the pet name came from but it seemed to have its effect. Bucky’s eyes locked with yours. He seemed surprised by your choice of words but it didn’t seem like an unpleasant surprise.

“Keep your eyes on me,” you continued softly,” just focus on me and block out all the rest. Breathe, slowly.”

You’ve had this talk with Steve one night, what to do when someone had a panic attack, that hypothetical someone of course being Bucky.

Keep him grounded, give him something to focus on and talk him through it.

There were more steps but you couldn’t remember right now so you focussed on what you did know.

“Put your hands on me,” you whispered,” hold onto me.”

Bucky didn’t hesitate to wrap one arm around your waist, using the other to keep you both standing as the train moved. He pulled you close and leaned his forehead against yours while he closed his eyes and tried to breathe in and out slowly a few times.

“That’s it,” you encouraged him and you put your arms around his neck. You started caressing his hair, you had noticed before how that usually calmed him down and it seemed to work this time too.

“We can get off any time you want, okay, we can walk the rest of the way home, there’s no pressure at all,” you tried to comfort him.

He opened his eyes and gave you a soft smile while he pulled you closer.

“I’m okay,” he whispered,” I’m okay now.”

He held you in his arms the entire ride home, staring into your eyes every time he started getting nervous again. You kept petting his hair and in return he nuzzled your cheek and your neck.   
You could feel his warm breath on your skin and every time you leaned back only a little he pulled you back in and hugged you tighter again.   
  
You felt bad for even thinking it, knowing Bucky couldn’t wait to get out off that train but you secretly wished this ride would never end. You could have stayed there forever locked in his arms.  
  
During one moment his lips briefly ghosted over yours, making you forget everything and leaving you with only one all consuming desire, for him to kiss you right then and there.

But that kiss didn’t come, instead you reached your stop and you both broke the hug to step out of the train and head back home, as if nothing had happened at all.

Everything changed between you and Bucky after that train ride.

***

Later that night Steve found Bucky on the balcony, curled up between the cushions on the sofa.

“Hey,” he smiled.

“Hey,” Bucky sighed.

“Y/N told me you came to visit her today,” Steve sat down next to him and Bucky just shrugged.

“It was an epic fail.”

“What do you mean? You went outside, Bucky, you went to several places and you even went underground into the subway. The subway!” Steve couldn’t hide his enthusiasm but it didn’t seem to rub off on Bucky.

“Yeah and I had a huge fucking panic attack while doing so, twice,” he sighed.

“Yeah but you did it anyway, regardless of your fear,” Steve pointed out.

Bucky just shook his head and Steve looked at him in disbelief.

“How can you not realize what a huge step you took today?” he then asked,” Bucky, I’m so fucking proud of you.”

Bucky looked up, a look of total surprise in his eyes,” You are?”

The sad look in those blue eyes was enough to put a crack in Steve’s heart.

“Of course I am,” he put his arm around Bucky’s shoulder and pulled him closer,” Bucky, I’m proud of you every single day, you know that, right?”

Bucky shook his head, avoiding Steve’s eyes.

“Hey, look at me,” Steve put his hand in Bucky’s neck and forced him to look up,” You’re here, you think I don’t know what it costs you to be here? What you do every single day to keep yourself going, to survive? I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my entire life, Buck.”

Those words were enough to break through Bucky’s wall.

“ _Stevie_ ,” Bucky sobbed and let the tears fall and Steve didn’t need any more reasons to wrap him up in his arms.

Bucky hugged him back and let all the tension of that day seep out of him, one tear at a time. Steve’s body and warmth an anchor he could hold onto, a beacon of hope in this dark world that was always out to hurt him.   
  
But not Steve, he was always safe with Steve.

They sat like that for a long time, Bucky’s arms tight around Steve’s waist, his head resting comfortably against Steve’s chest while Steve’s hand soothingly caressed his back and hair, whispering words of comfort in Bucky’s ear.

It was Bucky’s favorite place in the entire world, even though he could feel his world shifting these past months, Steve’s arms would always be his safe haven.

The city had turned quiet and so had Bucky’s mind, finally after a day of too much noise.

“I did good today, huh?” he asked after a while, a little smile on his face.

“You did amazing, baby,” Steve kissed his forehead and hugged him tighter, feeling tears of joy and pride well up in his own eyes now.  
  
There was so much more he wanted to say. Words Bucky wasn’t ready to hear yet. Like _you make me happy every single day_ or _my reason to get out of bed is getting to see you_.

Or like _I love you more now than I ever did before and nothing in this entire universe is going to change that._

 

Bucky still spent a lot of time in his room over the course of the next month but he started spending more and more time in the library as well, which you took as a good sign.  
Breakfast was the same routine, some mornings he was there and others he wasn’t. Some mornings he was chatty and funny and others he barely spoke a word or looked at you.

You started accepting each day as it came, knowing it was all part of who Bucky was and part of the recovery he needed to make. The mornings you spent with him were a gift and the fact that it didn’t happen every day only made you appreciate them more.

You were having breakfast on your own one morning when he suddenly stepped into the kitchen, fully dressed in jeans and a hoodie.

“Bucky?” you asked confused.

“I’m…I’m going out,” he declared, it almost sounded like a question, as if he wasn’t entirely sure that’s what he was going to do but he was dressed now so he may as well go through with it,” I…I took the last bit of milk last night, I’m going to get milk.”

“Bucky, I can get milk for you it’s fine, you don’t have to…”

“Yes, I do,” he interrupted you, sounding more certain now,” I really do, I want to…I need to do this.”

His eyes met yours and you were suddenly overcome with the biggest sense of pride realizing the huge step Bucky was about to take. It was just a trip to the grocery store at the end of the street but for Bucky it was a task much larger and complicated than that.

“Do you want me to go with you?” you asked.

He shook his head,” I need to do this on my own.”

“Okay,” you whispered.

“Okay,” he repeated and he took a deep breath, trying to find the courage to actually go through with his plan.

He opened the door agonizingly slowly, trying to stall the moment and you stood from your seat to accompany him into the hallway.

You reached out to grab his right hand, he locked eyes with you and gave you a little nervous smile.

“I gotta try,” he then whispered,” I gotta at least do that, right? Try, for Steve, for you?”

He looked and sounded like a wounded puppy and you just wanted to hug him, pull him back inside and tell him he didn’t have to do any of this and he could just stay in the apartment for as long as he needed to, forever if that meant he would never have to feel scared again.

But that wasn’t what he needed to hear right now. You knew this was a fear he needed to conquer and you knew which words he needed.

“You can do this, James,” you whispered and squeezed his hand,” I believe in you.”

He gave you such a warm thankful smile it made your heart melt. Then he let go of your hand and you watched him disappear into the hallway. He ignored the elevator and headed straight for the stairs.

You went back inside.

You were going to be late for work but you didn’t care, there was no way you were leaving the apartment before Bucky got back.

 

***

 

It eventually took Bucky a little over an hour and when he finally made it back he just put the milk carton on the kitchen counter and disappeared into his bedroom without saying a word.

You told your boss that you overslept and agreed to work late to compensate for lost time.

You were nearing the end of your shift when a colleague tapped on your shoulder and pulled you out of your haze,“ Y/N, there’s someone here who says he knows you.”

For a moment you froze, feeling that familiar rush of panic and fear grip your heart. But then you turned around and saw the last person you expected.

You almost dropped the plate you were holding.

Bucky was standing in line waiting to be seated, wearing one of Steve’s flannel shirts and a baseball cap. He was shifting on his feet, looking a little nervous but he was here.

“Can you take him?” your colleague asked.

“Yeah, thanks, Cara, I’ll seat him, do we still have a table in the back?”

“Yeah, but it’s all the way in the back by the fire exit.”

“Perfect,” you took one of the menus and walked up to Bucky, who smiled in relief when he saw you.

“Hi,” he grinned.

“Going out twice in one day? Who are you and what have you done to my Bucky?” you teased him.

“Well, I was told this was the best pizza place in town. I also heard the service sucked a little but I guess you can’t have everything.”

Your mouth almost fell open in shock. Bucky was here and he was actually cracking a joke. Whatever happened in the grocery store this morning hadn’t knocked him, he was right here trying again and facing his fears.

You felt the urge to hug him again but you pushed it back and focused on your job.

“Well, let’s see if I can change your mind about that service. Will you please follow me to your table, sir?”

He followed you with a grin but as you were making your way through the busy restaurant you noticed his shoulders sank and the smile was gone. He was a lot more nervous than he wanted to show to you.

“I hope you don’t mind sitting in the back by the fire escape?” you handed him the menu and locked eyes with him for a few seconds.

You watched the relief on his face while he sat down.

“Thank you,” he mouthed the words, keeping them just between you.

“So what can I get you?”

The smile was back on his face,” You’re such a natural at this, I was only joking about the service thing.”

“I know, Bucky,” you laughed.

“I’ll just have a Diet Coke and let you surprise me.”

“Okay,” you smiled.

“Hey, what time to you get off?” he asked.

“A little over an hour.”

“Do you mind if I wait? So we can walk home together?”

“I’d love that,” you gave him a warm smile and he nodded.

You noticed he relaxed a little but not enough to take off the glove on his left hand. You realized his struggle to go outside and be among people was more than just a psychological barrier to overcome. It was his physical appearance that restricted him too, the fear of people looking, judging, or worse feeling sorry for him.

Just grabbing a pizza in a small Italian place two blocks away, it was a small thing people did every single day without even thinking about it.

There was so much people took for granted every single day.

Your hand reached for him and you softly placed it on his shoulder, making him look up at you.

“Bucky,” you whispered so only he would hear,” I’m really proud of you.”

He looked down a little embarrassed at first but then a big smile spread across his face and it was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen.

 

***

 

He waited for you outside after your shift.

“Ready?” he offered you his good arm. You wrapped your hands around it with a smile while you nodded your head and let him lead the way.

“I wanted to do something,” he said after you’d been walking for a few minutes,” but I didn’t feel up to doing it on my own.”

You noticed he wasn’t walking home but instead you had stopped in front of a subway station.

“Are you sure about this?”

It was late at night and it didn’t seem to be very busy in the area but you had no idea how much Bucky could handle. Going underground, into a train, where there wasn’t an immediate way out seemed like it could be a step too far.

“You don’t have to do everything in one day, you know,” you added.

“I know, but I thought…now that I feel up to it I may as well make use of it. I thought…maybe if I had you with me…it could be okay,” he explained.

You didn’t know what to say, the fact that he trusted you enough to want to do this with you warmed your heart but you still weren’t sure it was a good idea.

“I used to take the train every day before I shipped out,” Bucky sighed,” and now…it’s just another thing on a long list of things I can’t do anymore.”

The sadness in his voice was all you needed to be convinced.

“Okay, let’s do it,” you squeezed his arm and gave him an encouraging smile.

For the first ten minutes everything went really well, going downstairs and waiting for the train seemed to cause Bucky no problems. He held onto your arm the entire time but he seemed to hold himself together pretty well.

It wasn’t until you were sitting on the train for a few stops that you noticed him becoming nervous. After a while he leaped from his seat to stand against the side of the door. You could see his chest rise and fall fast, he was struggling to breathe.

You didn’t hesitate to follow and you placed yourself right in front of him.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” you tried to keep your voice calm and not too loud.

There weren’t that many people in the carriage but you still didn’t want to draw any attention to you and Bucky. You knew that would only worsen his situation.

“It’s the noise,” he stuttered,” there’s so much of it I can’t…”

He nervously rubbed his hands over his face and started shaking his head, his bottom lip was shaking.

“Hey, it’s okay, Bucky, look at me,” you grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to you, forcing him to look into your eyes,” Look at me, baby.”

You weren’t sure where the pet name came from but it seemed to have its effect. Bucky’s eyes locked with yours. He seemed surprised by your choice of words but it didn’t seem like an unpleasant surprise.

“Keep your eyes on me,” you continued softly,” just focus on me and block out all the rest. Breathe, slowly.”

You’ve had this talk with Steve one night, what to do when someone had a panic attack, that hypothetical someone of course being Bucky.

Keep him grounded, give him something to focus on and talk him through it.

There were more steps but you couldn’t remember right now so you focussed on what you did know.

“Put your hands on me,” you whispered,” hold onto me.”

Bucky didn’t hesitate to wrap one arm around your waist, using the other to keep you both standing as the train moved. He pulled you close and leaned his forehead against yours while he closed his eyes and tried to breathe in and out slowly a few times.

“That’s it,” you encouraged him and you put your arms around his neck. You started caressing his hair, you had noticed before how that usually calmed him down and it seemed to work this time too.

“We can get off any time you want, okay, we can walk the rest of the way home, there’s no pressure at all,” you tried to comfort him.

He opened his eyes and gave you a soft smile while he pulled you closer.

“I’m okay,” he whispered,” I’m okay now.”

He held you in his arms the entire ride home, staring into your eyes every time he started getting nervous again. You kept petting his hair and in return he nuzzled your cheek and your neck.  
You could feel his warm breath on your skin and every time you leaned back only a little he pulled you back in and hugged you tighter again.

You felt bad for even thinking it, knowing Bucky couldn’t wait to get out off that train but you secretly wished this ride would never end. You could have stayed there forever locked in his arms.

During one moment his lips briefly ghosted over yours, making you forget everything and leaving you with only one all consuming desire, for him to kiss you right then and there.

But that kiss didn’t come, instead you reached your stop and you both broke the hug to step out of the train and head back home, as if nothing had happened at all.

Everything changed between you and Bucky after that train ride.

 

***

 

Later that night Steve found Bucky on the balcony, curled up between the cushions on the sofa.

“Hey,” he smiled.

“Hey,” Bucky sighed.

“Y/N told me you came to visit her today,” Steve sat down next to him and Bucky just shrugged.

“It was an epic fail.”

“What do you mean? You went outside, Bucky, you went to several places and you even went underground into the subway. The subway!” Steve couldn’t hide his enthusiasm but it didn’t seem to rub off on Bucky.

“Yeah and I had a huge fucking panic attack while doing so, twice,” he sighed.

“Yeah but you did it anyway, regardless of your fear,” Steve pointed out.

Bucky just shook his head and Steve looked at him in disbelief.

“How can you not realize what a huge step you took today?” he then asked,” Bucky, I’m so fucking proud of you.”

Bucky looked up, a look of total surprise in his eyes,” You are?”

The sad look in those blue eyes was enough to put a crack in Steve’s heart.

“Of course I am,” he put his arm around Bucky’s shoulder and pulled him closer,” Bucky, I’m proud of you every single day, you know that, right?”

Bucky shook his head, avoiding Steve’s eyes.

“Hey, look at me,” Steve put his hand in Bucky’s neck and forced him to look up,” You’re here, you think I don’t know what it costs you to be here? What you do every single day to keep yourself going, to survive? I’ve never been more proud of anyone in my entire life, Buck.”

Those words were enough to break through Bucky’s wall.

“Stevie,” Bucky sobbed and let the tears fall and Steve didn’t need any more reasons to wrap him up in his arms.

Bucky hugged him back and let all the tension of that day seep out of him, one tear at a time. Steve’s body and warmth an anchor he could hold onto, a beacon of hope in this dark world that was always out to hurt him.

But not Steve, he was always safe with Steve.

They sat like that for a long time, Bucky’s arms tight around Steve’s waist, his head resting comfortably against Steve’s chest while Steve’s hand soothingly caressed his back and hair, whispering words of comfort in Bucky’s ear.

It was Bucky’s favorite place in the entire world, even though he could feel his world shifting these past months, Steve’s arms would always be his safe haven.

The city had turned quiet and so had Bucky’s mind, finally after a day of too much noise.

“I did good today, huh?” he asked after a while, a little smile on his face.

“You did amazing, baby,” Steve kissed his forehead and hugged him tighter, feeling tears of joy and pride well up in his own eyes now.

There was so much more he wanted to say. Words Bucky wasn’t ready to hear yet. Like you make me happy every single day or my reason to get out of bed is getting to see you.

Or like I love you more now than I ever did before and nothing in this entire universe is going to change that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Steve opens up a little to you about him and Bucky.  
> Bucky isn’t the only one who is haunted by nightmares and someone’s past catches up on them.
> 
> Angst, angst, angst, and some fluff.

Things didn’t just change for you and Bucky.

During these past weeks Steve had gradually become more physical with you. It all started out so casually you didn’t even pay attention to it at first.

It was just his hand resting on your leg when you both sat on the couch at night, or him always putting a protective hand on your lower back while you were both maneuvering around in the kitchen. 

He’d started kissing your cheek every time you greeted each other or just to wish you a goodnight before he went to bed.   
Neither of you really remembered when it started but it had become a habit now and it hadn’t changed the comfortable relationship you two had going.

You still spent almost every evening on the couch together, you were always the one in control of the remote while Steve was emerged into his notebook.

You never asked him what it was for until one night your curiosity got the better of you and the question slipped from your mouth before you realized it.

“Steve, what do you write in there?”

He looked up and his pencil stopped moving.

“Sorry,” you waved your hand to make it clear you weren’t expecting an answer,” That’s none of my business, I was just curious, you don’t have to answer.”

“I don’t write, I draw,” he explained.

Your eyes met his and he gave you a little smile.

“I sketch, actually,” he corrected himself,” It’s just something I do when my mind gets too loud, it relaxes me, helps me deal with some stuff, I guess you could say it’s therapeutic.”

“I didn’t know you were an artist!”

“I don’t know if I’d call myself an artist,” he shook his head and blushed.

“So what do you sketch?” you bit your lip as soon as the question was out,  
”Sorry, too nosy again, you don’t have to answer that either if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay, it’s…it’s Bucky, I mostly sketch Bucky,” he admitted and you could have sworn the little blush on his cheeks deepened to a darker shade of red.

“I should have guessed,” you smiled.

He avoided your eyes but the smile on his face was warm and genuine.

“You and Bucky,” you hesitated for a moment, not sure if this was a question you wanted answered but at the same time realizing you may not get another chance to ask and this moment seemed perfect for it,” What’s the story with you and Bucky, Steve?”

“We’ve known each other our whole lives, we grew up together and have done everything together since. He’s the most important person in the world to me. We’re friends.” He added the last bit in a hurry.

“I sort of figured that out,” you smiled and waited a little before continuing,” You can tell me I’m way off here but…you’re more than just friends, right?”

Steve sighed, it was almost a sigh of relief that the question was out in the open and then he nodded his head,” Yeah, it’s complicated.”

“If this is private then just tell me to butt out, but I’m a good listener in case you ever want to talk about it.”

“It’s…,” Steve sighed again and put down his notebook,” We had a little fling right before we left for war. Nothing really happened, we just kissed, once, and then we got shipped out and everything changed.”

You could see his expression change into something darker, as if he was distancing himself from what he was about to say,” To make a very long story short, I came back from war and Bucky didn’t, I spent over two years thinking he died out there.”

It was the first time Steve actually talked about what happened to them and you soon realized why this was something they never talked about. Hearing Steve say those words and thinking of whatever horrors Bucky must have been through if he was missing for over 2 years put tears in your eyes and you covered your mouth in shock.

When you looked at Steve and saw the tears in his eyes you tried to hold it together and be strong for him.

You reached out and took his hand,” I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Steve, I shouldn’t have asked, you don’t have to talk about this.”

“It’s okay,” Steve brushed his tears away and pulled himself together too, letting out a little weak laugh while he squeezed your hand,” It’s okay, I’m fine now. It’s just complicated.”

You nodded your head.

“In the end we both came back from the war two very different people,” Steve explained,” and Bucky’s not…he’s not ready for any of that now, I don’t know if he’ll ever be, I just want him to get better, you know.”

“Yeah,” you sighed and a tear fell down your cheek.

“Hey, don’t cry,” Steve spoke softly and he squeezed your hand harder,” Everything’s fine, we’re both here now, we made it back, that’s more than we could have ever hoped for. We’re lucky. Everything else just…needs some time, I guess.”

“Yeah,” you whispered and tried to wipe your tears but they kept on coming.

“Come here,” Steve lifted his arm and you crawled closer to him on the couch.

You hesitated for a moment but Steve didn’t, he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed,” I cry easily.”

“That makes two of us,” Steve smiled but you could still see tears in his eyes and you hugged him back.

“He’s lucky to have you, Steve,” you said after a while,” I’m lucky to have you too.”  
  
“Believe me, I’m the lucky one,” he kissed your forehead and held you close for several more minutes, neither of you speaking another word until he finally got up and wished you sweet dreams, followed by another kiss on your cheek.

Just before he left the room he turned back to you,” Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Just for the record, I’m not gay, I’m bisexual.”

And with those words he left the room, you weren’t sure why he said it but his words left a little flutter of hope in your heart that you quickly pushed down again.   
  
It was no use allowing yourself to feel something that would never be reciprocated.

Despite the connection you felt with both Bucky and Steve it was obvious they belonged together and you would never want to do anything to come between that.

You turned off the tv and went to bed, feeling extremely lucky to have the friendship of these two men in your life. You fell asleep with a smile on your lips that night.  
  
***

Your nightmares started that night. You weren’t sure what triggered them, you hadn’t looked at your phone or thought about Brock in weeks now but he was right there in your dream, his hands wrapped around your throat and his threats in your ear.

You woke up bathing in cold sweat, it had felt so real and it was as if you could still feel his fingers pressing against your throat. You struggled to breathe and the back of your throat felt sore, you knew you must have been screaming in your sleep and you were now worried about waking up Bucky or Steve.

Your question was answered when you opened your door and found Steve and Bucky standing in the hallway, both barely dressed and with the same concerned look on their faces.

They stared at you and then at each other and back to you and Steve opened his mouth to speak but you raised your hand to stop him.

“I’m fine,” you sighed and moved passed them towards the bathroom.

You shut the door behind you and took your time to splash some water onto your face and try to control your breathing, convincing yourself it was just a bad dream, not a bad omen. You were fine. 

It took you ten minutes to calm yourself down and when you stepped back into the hallway both Bucky and Steve were still standing right where you left them.

“Please go back to sleep,” you sighed,” I’m fine, it’s nothing..”

“That didn’t sound like nothing,” Steve pointed out,” It sounded like you were in pain.”

“It was just a stupid nightmare.”

“Was it?” he asked.

You stayed quiet and your eyes met Bucky’s. He was quiet and his eyes looked so sad it made your heart hurt. The last thing you wanted was for him to worry about you.

“I’m okay, Bucky, I promise, please go back to sleep,” you pleaded and you gave him a smile to try and convince him.

He seemed to accept it and he nodded his head and hesitantly made his way back to his room.

Steve however wasn’t so easily convinced.

“Y/N?” he tried again when Bucky was gone.

“I told you,” you started but Steve took a step closer and the intensity in his eyes shut you up immediately.

“Your hands are still shaking,” he pointed out,” your eyes are filled with fear and I can tell you’ve been crying, whatever you dreamed messed you up. That wasn’t _just a stupid nightmare_.”

“Please don’t,” you begged and you cursed your own voice for shaking so hard right now.

Steve took your hand and gently laced your fingers together. You looked up to meet his eyes, his gaze was soft now.

“I’m here if you need me,” he then whispered,” If you want to talk, or just need comfort I’m here.”

You leaned in closer, you didn’t want him to hug you right now but just being close to him offered you the comfort and strength you were seeking and you breathed out slowly and nodded your head.

“Whatever it is you don’t need to carry it alone, okay?” he added softly.

His voice was filled with so much compassion it took everything you had not to fall apart right there and throw yourself into his arms. But that would give away more than you wanted him to know. 

Much to your own surprise you managed to hold it together.

“You don’t need to save everyone, Steve,” you then answered.

“No, not everyone, just the people I really care about,” he whispered and you both stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like a really long time, his thumb still caressing your hand but not making any attempt to invade your personal space, as if he sensed exactly what you needed and what you didn’t need in this moment. 

“There’s nothing you can do,” you eventually spoke,” Besides, it’s in the past, it doesn’t matter now.”

“The past has a way of coming back to us.”

You shrugged your shoulders and shook your head, trying to ignore the fear those words ignited.

“I’m fine, Steve, really, all I want is to sleep now.”

“Okay,” he nodded his head and when you pulled back he let go of your hand,  
”Go get some sleep then. Remember what I said.”

You doubted you would sleep again that night but the last thing you wanted was to talk about your dreams, or who was in them.

It was your problem, not Steve or Bucky’s, and besides, as you told Steve, it was in the past.

Right?

***

You didn’t dream again the night after that, or the night after that. And you started to feel a little better, maybe the nightmare had just been a glitch and it wouldn’t happen again.

Little did you know that by Friday your nightmare would be the least of your worries.

It had been a slow night at work and you were changing into your clothes and putting your uniform into your locker when Tessa, your colleague, came to say goodnight.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” you waved at her.

“Oh, there’s someone in the back waiting for you,” she informed you before taking her bag and heading out the door.

Your heart made a little dance at the thought of Bucky being here again and walking you home. You hadn’t seen him that much apart from breakfast this past week and the thought of spending some time alone with him made your entire night better.

You couldn’t wait to see him and you quickly took your bag and rushed out. You didn’t even think twice when you headed out the back door and walked towards the tall figure standing in the shadows.

“Bucky?” you smiled but then he stepped out of the shadows.

You could feel your entire world crumble beneath you and your heart instantly started pounding in your chest.

It wasn’t Bucky.

“Brock,” your voice broke as you said his name and you stepped back.

“Bucky? Who the hell is Bucky?” his voice sounded strained and angry.

His gaze was hard, and just as cold as you remembered. He wore a black jeans and a dark hoodie and he was stepping closer to you, crowding you between himself and the wall of the restaurant.

“How…how did you find me?” you stuttered.

“I told you I’d always find you, you shouldn’t have run from me.”

You looked behind you, trying to find a way out but the backdoor had already been locked behind you, everyone else had gone home for the night.

You were alone, and there was no way out.

Tears formed in your eyes and you shook your head,” Please, please don’t…”

You didn’t even get to finish your sentence before his hands were on you, grabbing you by the neck and shoving you up against the wall. You knew it was no use trying to fight him, he’d only hurt you more if you did.

You closed your eyes and hoped it would be over soon.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Bucky and Steve each have their own way of dealing with what happened to you. 
> 
> I didn’t plan for this to be such an emotional rollercoaster but that’s how it turned out, I’m so sorry! This chapter is also a little longer than the previous ones (I blame Bucky).
> 
> Oh and there’s kissing, real kissing!

Steve and Bucky were alone in the apartment and having a late night snack in the kitchen when Steve suddenly noticed the time.

“She’s late.”

“Maybe it was a busy shift,” Bucky shrugged his shoulders,” she often stays later on busy days.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Bucky was right but Steve still couldn’t shake the bad feeling in his gut. It had been there ever since he’d seen your face that night after your nightmares.   
  
Something was up, he was sure of it.

“What? You don’t wanna be alone with me anymore, is that it?” Bucky joked and nudged Steve’s shoulder with his,” You’re sick of me, huh? You prefer her now?”

It was enough to distract Steve and put a smile on his face.

“Cut it out, Barnes, you know I’d never get sick of you,” Steve was blushing and grinning now and Bucky laughed at how adorable he looked.

That’s when the door opened and you stepped inside, killing all the laughter in the room.

Your hair was a complete mess, there was a hole in your coat where Brock tried to hold onto you when you ran. the handle of your purse got broken in that same attempt.

But it was the blood on your lip, the tears in your eyes and the bruises around your neck that shocked both men the most.

You opened your mouth to speak but no words came out just a quiet sob. Both Bucky and Steve stared at you in complete shock, unable to process what they were seeing and how to proceed.

Steve was the first to speak,” What on earth happened to you?”

He rushed out of his chair and towards you but he stopped in his tracks when you backed away in fear.

It didn’t take him long to assess the situation.

“Bucky, go to the bathroom and run her a hot bath.”

Bucky couldn’t keep his eyes off you, he still hadn’t moved from his seat.

“Bucky, do it, now,” Steve insisted and Bucky snapped out of it and obeyed.

Steve moved towards you, slowly and carefully, making sure he didn’t invade your personal space.   
  
Your head was pounding, it was as if you’d been walking around in a dream state. You remembered Brock and you remembered running away from him, everything else was a blur.

“Look at me,” Steve’s voice pulled you back into reality,” Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” you muttered,” it’s…worse than it looks.”

You took a step closer to Steve and almost lost your balance but he caught you in his arms. When you didn’t flinch this time he just kept his hands on your waist to hold you steady.

“It looks like someone beat the shit out of you. What on earth happened?”

“It was…I got mugged.”

You didn’t know why you lied.

You had never lied to Steve before but these lies, they came so easily. You had done this for years, bumped your head in the shower, hurt your arm while working out, burned your hand on the stove. There were so many excuses and you learned that people accepted them all if it meant their conscience could stay clear.

Steve didn’t say anything. He took your purse and helped you out of your coat before guiding you towards the bathroom, where the bath was filling up with water.

Bucky stepped outside as soon as the two of you entered and started pacing the hallway, trying to keep himself calm but failing miserably.

He could feel the anger boiling up and it made him feel completely helpless. But the worst thing was the memories it brought back for him. Seeing you like that, physically hurt with blood on your face and that fear in your eyes.

He’d seen that same face in the mirror so many times. He couldn’t look at you, didn’t want to know, didn’t want to remember, it was too painful.

Steve noticed Bucky’s heavy breathing and his heart sank. He could only handle taking care of one person right now and you were his clear priority tonight.

“Bucky, you don’t need to be here, go to your room,” he ordered,” Please.”

He didn’t need to ask twice, Bucky rushed away and locked himself in his room.

Steve sighed deeply before putting down the toilet seat and making you sit down on it. He grabbed a clean cloth and held it under the water.

“Hold still,” he urged you and he gently started wiping the blood from your face.

Tears had started falling now and you couldn’t stop them. Steve kneeled down in front of you and continued cleaning your face. He avoided the cut in your lip and he gently brushed away your tears with his thumbs in the process.

You couldn’t read him right now, his jaw was clenched but his eyes were soft and filled with worry, his touch gentle and loving.

He hadn’t asked you a single thing since you told him you got mugged. You knew he didn’t believe you.

“Steve,” you sobbed.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he looked deep into your eyes,” Whatever happened you’re safe now, okay?”

You nodded your head.

“Do you need help getting out of those clothes?” he then offered.

“No, I’ll be fine.”

The last thing you were was fine, but you convinced Steve to leave the room and leave you alone anyway.

You took off your clothes and let yourself sink down in the warm bath, a sigh of relief on your lips as the warm water eased your sore muscles, but the relief was short lived.

When the reality of the night hit you, you started crying again and this time it didn’t stop.

He was here, in the city, and if he hadn’t followed you here already it was only a matter of time. Your life was over, again. He would always find you, no matter how far you ran or how many times you changed your name or your hair.

There was no escape. 

You closed your eyes and let yourself sink lower, deep into the water, trying to block out the entire world and wishing you could just disappear.

***

The hallway was quiet when you finally stepped out of the bathroom but you noticed Steve’s bedroom door was still open. You ignored it and stepped into your own room, let yourself fall down onto the bed and pulled up the covers.

You fell asleep pretty quickly but it didn’t last very long. After about an hour you woke up in a cold sweat and breathing hard, anxiety holding you into a very tight grip.

You tried to control your breathing to calm yourself down but it wasn’t working.   
  
You stumbled out of bed and rushed into the hallway, not really sure what you were doing but just following your instinct to get out of the room.  
Before you could decide what your next step should be Steve appeared in the doorway of his bedroom, his face covered in worry.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“I can’t sleep…I can’t…I can’t breathe,” you burst out in sobs and Steve was with you in a second.

“Hey, come here,” he put his hands on your shoulders and guided you into his bedroom.

You didn’t even question it, you just followed him.

Steve led you towards his bed and let you sit down on one side while he crawled in next to you.

“Come here, lay down,” he spoke softly.

You did as he asked and laid your head down on his pillow. He carefully pulled the covers over the both of you. Steve’s bed was soft and warm, so much warmer than yours. You closed your eyes and tried to breathe in and out.

“Shhh,” Steve placed his arm around your waist and started rubbing slow circles with this thumb on your lower back to calm you down,” Don’t think about your breathing, just focus on me, look into my eyes.“

You opened your eyes and stared deep into his heavenly blue ones. He was so close to you right now and suddenly you realized you were in Steve’s bed and he had his arms around you.    
It should have been uncomfortable but it wasn’t. 

All you could focus on was his eyes and his hand slowly caressing your back. It distracted you from everything else and before you knew it you were breathing normally again.

“That’s better,” he gave you a soft, encouraging smile and pulled your body closer to his. You followed willingly and buried your face into the crook of his neck.

“You’re safe now,” Steve whispered and he pulled you into a tight hug,“ I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.”

For a moment there you actually believed him, you believed this man would protect you with his life and you knew there’d never be a safer place in the world than right here in Steve Rogers’ arms.   
You fell asleep in less than half an hour.

Steve however laid awake for most of the night, trying not to give into his anger because he knew if he did he’d be out there right now searching the entire city for the bastard who did this to you.

****

You woke up alone in Steve’s bed the next morning with a note on his pillow, letting you know he’d drop in from work around lunchtime to check up on you and to call him if you needed anything. The note also urged you to stay inside the apartment.

You took a quick shower and made your way over to the kitchen. The space was filled with the usual smell of coffee but as you stepped inside you noticed the kitchen counter was filled with food. There was fresh fruit and bagels, pancakes and croissants from the bakery across the street, orange juice, cereal and even a few cupcakes.

Bucky stood behind the stove and turned around to put more pancakes from the pan onto the plate. He was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and he also wore his prosthetic arm, letting you know he’d already been outside today.

“Um…Bucky, what’s all this?”

“Breakfast,” he stated with a small smile on his face.

“For the entire building?”

“This is all for you,” he pulled back your chair to let you sit.  
  
You were speechless as you sat down,” Bucky…what…why?”

He turned off the stove and sat down next to you.

“I’m sorry for not being there last night,” he didn’t look at you while he spoke and you knew he felt guilty,” seeing you like that…I just shut down, I wanted to be there for you but…I couldn’t, I’m sorry.”

“Bucky, you don’t need to apologize, I get it, and I would never blame you for any of that.”

He gave you a little thankful smile but continued explaining himself anyway.

“I just needed to get out of my own head first…I didn’t know how to react…how to help you,” his eyes found yours,” I still don’t know how to help you but this, making breakfast for you, is something I can do, I just want you to feel better.”

You couldn’t speak for a moment. The thought of Bucky going outside to the bakery, which you knew he hated during busy mornings, the thought of him getting up early and slaving away in the kitchen, all just to make you feel better filled your heart with more love than you could handle right now.

“It’s too much, isn’t it?” he smiled a little embarrassed.

“No, it’s perfect, absolutely perfect,” you reached out to put your hand on his leg,” Thank you.”

Bucky’s smile was warm and for the first time this morning he allowed himself to really look at you. He sighed deeply and gently put a lock of hair behind your ear, his fingers lingering on your neck and the dark red bruises.

“I’m walking you to and from work from now on,” he then stated.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer, I have nothing else to do with my time anyway, besides this will give me a reason to get out of the house and I need every reason I can get.”

You didn’t have a valid argument against that, except that you never wanted Bucky to have to face Brock, but that was an argument you couldn’t exactly use without telling him the truth.

“Bucky,” you sighed.

He moved his chair closer to yours until you were sitting between his legs. When he locked eyes with you again all thoughts left your mind. 

The last time he’d looked at you like this was in the subway and your heart was doing that same crazy thing right now.

“Come here, let me hold you,” Bucky whispered, putting even more butterflies in your stomach.

He carefully wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you in, your entire body melted against his. He released a breath when you hugged him back.

“I know there’s more going on than what you’re telling me,” he whispered into your ear,” and I’ll never push you to tell me what it is, but I’m going to do everything in my power to protect you, okay?”

His hand cupped the back of your head and he forced you to look at him. All you could do was nod.

“Okay?” he asked again, wanting to hear an answer from you.

“Okay,” you sighed,” but you don’t have to, I told you I’m fine.”

“Just say okay and accept it,” he insisted, ignoring your words and looking deep into your eyes.

“Fine, okay.”

“Good,” his lips curled into a smile,” Now we’re going to have breakfast and then I’m going to call your boss and tell him you aren’t coming in today.”

“Bucky,” you were ready to object again.

“Just say fine and accept it,” he repeated and he leaned back from the hug to look at you, a serious look on his face now.

“Fine. God, you’re so annoying.”

“Oh, shut up, you love me,” he released you from his hug and started blushing as soon as he realized what he had said.

You couldn’t help the smile from creeping up on your face.

“I…didn’t mean…I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry,” he stuttered and pulled back from you, nervously keeping himself busy by grabbing a few pancakes and filling his glass with more orange juice.

“I do, you know,” you then answered without thinking,” I do love you, Bucky.”

You could hear his breath hitch and he was suddenly sitting completely still, clearly not knowing how to react.

You hadn’t meant for those words to be heard but they flowed from your lips so easily, because it was the truth. There was no doubt in your mind about how much you loved Bucky.

But upon seeing his reaction all you could hear were Steve’s words in your ear ‘ _Bucky isn’t ready for any of that now’_.

You understood what Steve meant now, of course Bucky wasn’t ready, and the truth was neither were you. There were so many things going on in your life right now falling in love should be the last thing on your list.

And yet here you were, falling, so damn hard.

Bucky softly spoke your name but you cut him off before he could say anything else, trying to repair the damage your words had caused.“You’re the best friend any girl could wish for, Bucky.”

You finally looked at each other.

“ _Friend_ ,” he repeated with a little defeated sigh.

You noticed his disappointment but tried to ignore it, part of you wished you never said those words out loud, but another part was glad you did. You wanted Bucky to know just how much you cared for him. But you didn’t want to push him if he wasn’t ready.

The tension in the room suddenly doubled when Bucky stood up and moved closer to you, placing himself in between your legs and meeting your eyes with that same look from before.

And then his hand was in your neck and his forehead pushing up against yours.

He closed his eyes and softly whispered,” I don’t want to be your friend, I want to be more.”

Your hands tangled into his hair and before you could give it any second thought you pulled him closer until your lips met his. Bucky’s kiss was warm and hungry and his arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you down from your chair and holding you close to him.

He deepened the kiss, caressing your tongue with his so gently it was making your knees weak.  
Your hands found their way underneath his shirt to caress his back and scratch your nails across his skin. He moaned your name and bit your bottom lip in response, followed by another deep kiss as he pushed you up against the kitchen counter. 

He pressed his entire body up against yours, letting you feel how hard he was already.

“Bucky,” you moaned and spread your legs for him.

You were both breathing heavily and his fingers started fumbling with the cords of your sweatpants, trying desperately to open them up. The anticipation was killing you, you needed to feel those fingers all over you and inside of you. You couldn’t remember ever needing someone so badly.

You grabbed Bucky’s hand to guide him between your legs when he suddenly stopped and pulled away from you.   
You stepped back as soon as he did and pulled your hands off him.

“Bucky?”

”I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, this is all wrong,” he was just staring out in front of him and shaking his head,“ You’re vulnerable right now and I can’t…I can’t take advantage of that, I’m so sorry.”

“Bucky,” you were still breathing heavily, trying to quiet this urge he had awoken in you and focus on the conversation,” It’s okay, I wanted this.”

“It wouldn’t be right…I…I’m not ready.”

And with those words he took away all your hope. 

Of course he wasn’t ready, you knew this and you still encouraged him. Now you were the one feeling all guilty. Bucky suddenly looked vulnerable and insecure and your heart sank.

“I’m sorry, Bucky, this is my fault, I shouldn’t have…”

“No, it’s not,” he protested,” I wanted this too, I want you, I want you so bad it’s messing with my head and I just can’t have that right now.”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything, whatever you want is fine.”

He was shaking his head and he let out a desperate laugh,” God, I’m such a fucking mess.”

“We’re both a fucking mess,” you smiled at him and then you both stayed quiet until Bucky took a step closer to you again and took your hand.

“I’m sorry, I’m not ready, my body is but..I’m not. I don’t trust myself yet.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled,” No apologies, remember? And you don’t need to explain.”

“Can we just…finish breakfast and pretend this never happened?” he asked softly,” Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” you let go of him and you both moved back to your seat, creating some distance between you two.

The conversation was a little awkward at first, you both had trouble looking at each other now and there were several uncomfortable silences, which usually never happened between you and Bucky.

It took you both some time to find your usual flow of conversation again but after a while Bucky was back to cracking jokes and putting a smile on your face, reminding you just how much you valued this friendship and how you would never do anything to jeopardize it.

But something had changed and neither of you could deny it. 

There was a longing in his gaze now and when he touched you it no longer felt casual or meaningless, his hand always lingered just that little bit too long. You found it hard not to get lost in his blue eyes or stare at his lips when he talked, remembering how his mouth tasted on yours. And how you would give anything to kiss him again.

But as the day went on your unrequited feelings for Bucky or Steve’s incessant worried glare became the least of your worries. They were just a distraction from what was really troubling you.

You had taken a sick day today, and you could probably get away with taking a few more, but you couldn’t hide in the apartment forever. Pretty soon you would have to go outside again and face Brock and just thinking about that confrontation turned you into an anxious mess.

The thought of possible nightmares kept you awake that night and you stayed on the couch a lot later than usual, binge watching Stranger Things and refusing to go to bed. Both Bucky and Steve stayed with you and never said a single word about it.

You finally fell asleep in Steve’s arms some time after midnight. Bucky turned off the tv and stood from the couch.

“Should I get her a blanket and a pillow?” he suggested.

“It’s okay, I’ve got her, you can go to bed, Buck,” Steve reassured him and he carefully placed one arm around your waist and the other under your legs. He lifted you from the couch with ease and his strong arms carried you into the hallway.

You mumbled something under your breath as you held onto him, half asleep and not fully realizing what was going on, only that you were with Steve and that he would keep you safe.

Steve hesitated when he neared your bedroom. Your door was open but so was the door to his own bedroom. Thinking back to the night before and feeling the way you had your arms around his neck right now, looking so quiet and at peace, he no longer hesitated.

He carried you inside his bedroom and gently placed you on his bed before closing the door and turning off the light.

Bucky watched from inside the hallway with a heavy heart and a lump in his throat.

He couldn’t give you what you needed right now, just as he hadn’t been able to give Steve what he needed either. Maybe he was incapable of love, after everything.

And maybe it was better this way, not you and Bucky, or Steve and Bucky, but you and Steve.  
If it meant the two people he cared about most in his life would be happy then Bucky would gladly step aside and let fate take its course.

He knew it was the only way things could be right now, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

He moved to his own room and shut the door behind him, knowing he was facing a very long and very lonely night tonight.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: You and Steve fight, and make up, and you finally open up to him about Brock. 
> 
> Warning: Mentions of physical and emotional abuse. I’ve tried to make it better with some fluff.
> 
> *insert frustrated writer screams*
> 
> Damned this chapter has been kicking my ass! I’ve changed and edited it so many times I don’t even know if it still makes sense but here you go, I hope you guys like it anyway ;)

It had been one week since you saw Brock at the restaurant. He hadn’t shown his face again after that night but you knew that didn’t mean he wasn’t there. You were sure he was still in the city and probably watching your every move from afar.

You were sitting on the couch with Steve that night when you’d noticed his notebook had been lying on the living room table for days now, untouched.   
He’d stopped using it the night you ran into Brock and came home all messed up.

“You haven’t sketched anything in a while?”

Steve looked up from the tv screen to meet your eyes and shook his head,” No, I haven’t…I’ve been a little distracted lately.”

“Because of me?” you asked carefully.

“My mind’s just finding it hard to focus on anything lately,” Steve answered without actually answering your question.

“I’m okay, Steve, you can stop worrying,” you tried to reassure him, like you’ve done so many times over the past few days but it was no use. He didn’t believe a word you said.

You’d slept in Steve’s bed four nights in a row this week. He always held you in his arms until you fell asleep and when you started screaming in agony he’d gently pull you from your dreams and let you lay on his chest until you stopped crying.

Having Steve there to talk you through it was the only thing that could calm you down and put you back to sleep. It never felt uncomfortable being so close to him or sharing a bed, nor was it sexual in any way. Steve only touched you to offer comfort, and it was exactly what you needed.  
  
There were no nightmares on the fourth night and after some hesitation you decided it was time for you to sleep in your own bed again.  
Steve was unable to hide his disappointment when you told him but he quickly recovered and put on one of those bright, encouraging smiles, assuring you that it was the right decision but also reminding you that his door was always open if you needed him.

It wasn’t just Steve who had been comforting you all week. Bucky was true to his word also, he was ready and dressed to walk you to work every day and pick you up afterwards. You asked him to wait in front of the restaurant where it was always crowded, you never used the back door again since that night with Brock.  
  
Bucky did his best to cheer you up, distract you with his usual silly jokes and basically talk about anything and everything that put a smile on your face. You enjoyed your daily walks with him and started to look forward to them.   
  
The subway was still a challenge for him, one he didn’t want to take every day so sometimes you took the long walk home, giving you both even more time together, which neither of you seemed to mind very much.   
You loved your time with Bucky, he almost made you forget Brock existed.

 _Almost_.

The time you spent with Steve however was an entirely different story. He wouldn’t drop the subject, even now he wouldn’t stop pushing you for more information and he became more and more frustrated when you didn’t give it to him.

You tried to convince him that it didn’t matter and that you were safe now that Bucky was always there to watch your back but Steve wasn’t buying any of it.

It ended up being the first fight you and him would have.

The silence between you two felt heavy that night. Steve knew you were lying, or at least not telling him the whole truth. And you knew he knew which made the whole situation feel very uncomfortable.   
And you hated feeling uncomfortable around him.

Steve had been watching tv all night, or at least pretending to watch tv, you were sure if you asked what was on he wouldn’t be able to answer you.

“I’m calling it a night, I’m tired,” you sighed and stood from the couch.

Steve turned off the tv and followed your lead.   
When he brushed past you on the way into the hallway he suddenly grabbed your hand.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened or are you going to keep lying to me?”

You gave him an angry look and sighed but he wasn’t going to let you off the hook this time.

“I need to know who did this to you, Y/N,” he pressed.

“Why? What does it matter, Steve? It happened, it’s done, move on.”

“Who did this to you?” he raised his voice in anger and took a step closer to you, locking you between him and the wall and leaving you no other choice but to face him.

“I told you,” you mumbled,” it was just a mugger.”

“We both know it wasn’t a goddamn mugger!” Steve’s anger took over and he pulled you up against his chest, forcing you to look at him,” Stop lying to me.”

“Please don’t push this,” you tried to avoid his hard gaze.

It was one thing to lie to him but it was another to look him in the face while doing so.

“Why are you doing this?” he sighed in frustration,” Why do you refuse to let me help you?”

“Because it’s not your burden to carry, Steve! Fucking hell, you’re already carrying enough!” you yelled at him,” I can’t just dump all my shit on you, it’s not fair!”

He stayed quiet, shaken by your sudden angry outburst.

“And I don’t need your help,” you added.

He shook his head and sighed. “I thought we could always be open and honest with each other, you know you can tell me anything.”

He loosened his tight grip on your hand and softly laced his fingers with yours, using your hand to pull you closer to him.

“Anything,” he then stressed and his voice was suddenly so soft it knocked down all your defenses.

Tears filled your eyes but you were still shaking your head in protest.

“Someone’s out to get you and I can’t protect you if I don’t know what’s going on,” Steve insisted.

“You don’t have to protect me, Steve.”

“But I want to…I want to protect you, sweetheart. Please tell me what’s going on, please.”

And just like that, broken by the soft loving tone in his voice and those big sad blue eyes, you finally caved.

“His name is Brock and he’s my ex boyfriend,” you confessed.

Steve stayed quiet, giving you all the time you needed to gather your thoughts and tell your story the way you wanted to, without any interruptions.

“I started dating him fresh out of college, I’d just graduated and I was so ready for my adult life to begin, find a real job, get an apartment, start building a future for myself. And then I met him and it was as if someone created him just to fit into that perfect picture I had in my head. He was the hottest, kindest guy I’d ever met, and he actually showed an interest in me, it was too good to be true. I should have known,” you shook your head and smiled weakly,” It’s such a cliche story, naive girl falls for hot guy and hot guy turns out to be an abusive asshole. But I was so in love, and by the time he started hitting me we’d been together for so many years, he was my entire world. I didn’t have anyone else, or anywhere else to go so…what choice did I have, really? I thought it would get better, I blamed it on stress at his work, or problems with his mum, I kept telling myself it was just a phase and we’d get back to that happy place from the beginning any day now.”

You took a deep breath and continued,“ But that day never came, it only got worse. And instead of hoping he would change I just started to accept it. I couldn’t leave him, what would I do? I had no family, no money, no friends, not even a real job since he always wanted me to be home and take care of him and the house, _his_ house.”

Steve’s face had gone pale and you could see his jaw clench in anger.

“I’d completely lost myself,” you continued,” I only existed for him, there was nothing else in my world and he knew it, he knew I would never leave. I had completely resigned in my situation and I just took it, whatever he would throw at me. Every insult and every punch and somehow I started to believe I deserved it.”

Steve put his hands on your waist and pulled you closer to him, speaking for the first time since you started talking,”You have done nothing to deserve it, nothing, you hear me?”

“Yes, well, I know that now,” you smiled weakly,” but it took me a while.”

“So what changed?” Steve then asked,” What made you leave?”

You let out a deep breath, trying to find the courage to continue with Steve’s eyes on you.

The memory was still so vivid, just thinking back to that night filled you with that exact same fear you’d felt back then.

“Hey,” Steve gently brushed your hair back behind your ear, caressed your cheek and then let his hand rest in the back of your neck,” It’s okay, take your time.”

You looked at him and nodded your head,“ The last time…the last time I shared a bed with him he started choking me, and not in that pleasant sexual way some people like.”

Steve avoided your eyes for a second and you noticed the blush on his cheeks.

“He always liked to be in charge but he had never hurt me during sex before, never in all those years…but once he started he couldn’t seem to stop…it was like this crazy rush of power came over him and he couldn’t control it…he just wouldn’t stop…I couldn’t breathe…I passed out 3 times and he still wouldn’t stop.”

Steve took both your hands into his to stop you from shaking.

“I thought he was going to kill me,” you whispered,” Before then it was just bruises and cuts, and I was fine with that, I knew it would heal. It was just pain, it would pass, but that night I was convinced I was going to die.”

Steve had tears in his eyes but he was trying his best not to show them to you.

“The next morning I filled a bag with all my stuff, I took my car and I just left. I had no idea where I was going or how I was going to survive, I just…I wanted to live, Steve, really live.”

A single tear ran down your cheek and you quickly wiped it away, not wanting to waste anymore tears on someone who wasn’t worth it,” I stayed in a few different places at first, changed my appearance and my name but he always ended up finding me. I thought New York would be the perfect city to disappear in and I have no idea how he did it this time but he was at the restaurant after my shift Friday night. He was angry, shoved me against the wall and hit me. When I screamed a group of tourists came to my rescue and he just took off. I haven’t seen him since.”

You let out a breath of relief, feeling a huge weight lifted off your shoulders,”That’s it, Steve, that’s all of it.”

You looked up to meet his eyes, you had never seen him look this angry before. He nodded his head and you only now noticed he was fighting back tears of his own.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you,” he finally whispered.

“I’ll be fine, Steve, as long as there’s other people with me he won’t do anything. He cares about his reputation more than anything else.”

That was not a lie. If there was one thing you could always count on it was that Brock wasn’t stupid. In all those years he had never laid a single finger on you in public. You knew you’d be safe as long as you made sure there were always witnesses.

Steve didn’t seem convinced however. “You’re not lying again so I wouldn’t worry?”

“You’re going to worry anyway, aren’t you?”

He gave you a weak smile.“How can I not?” he moved his hand from your neck to cup your face. You shivered when his eyes met yours.

“You keep your cell phone with you at all time,” he then insisted,” if he shows his face again you call me, instantly.”

You nodded your head.

“Promise me,” he added.

“Fine, I promise. But I’m fine and besides Bucky’s there with me all the time. Trust me, Brock won’t do anything unless he can get me alone.”

“Then we have to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

You gave him a thankful smile,” I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, Steve.”

“I’m just glad you told me now,” Steve’s voice was soft and he pulled you into a tight hug.

You could feel him clinging to you and your heart was suddenly beating a whole lot faster.

“I won’t let him lay another finger on you ever again,” he whispered into your ear,” I promise.”

*****

It was two days after your confession to Steve when you left the restaurant after your shift and didn’t find Bucky in his usual waiting spot.

You could feel your heart racing right away, panic taking over. 

The street was crowded this time of night, you knew Brock wouldn’t try anything with this many people around and yet you suddenly felt inexplicably afraid. You started scanning the crowd, looking for anyone that fitted his description but you couldn’t find anyone. Nobody was watching you and that calmed you down a little bit.   
It was still early, you could just go back into the restaurant and ask a colleague to give you a lift home.

But then another fear gripped your heart. Why wasn’t Bucky here?

He would never let you down unless something had happened.

Your hands were shaking as you pulled out your phone and then someone put a hand on your shoulder, making you jump.

“It’s okay, it’s me, it’s me,” Steve lifted his hands and then gently put them back on your shoulders,” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay,” you were both relieved and confused to see him here,” Where’s Bucky?”

“He’s fine, he just…he couldn’t go outside today, he asked me to come get you.”

“Couldn’t go outside?” you asked.

Steve sighed and offered you his hand,” Can we walk?”

You took his hand and let him lead you.

“He had a pretty bad episode this afternoon,” Steve then explained.

“How bad? Like sleepwalking? Nightmares?”

“Like waking up and not remembering who he is.”

Your eyes met Steve’s, you remembered him telling you about these memory lapses but you never actually witnessed Bucky going through one.

“It happens sometimes,” he continued,” when it does it can take hours to calm him down again and bring him out of it. He was lucky I was home today, it’s been months since he last had one this bad.”

“How bad?” you asked again, afraid to hear the answer.

“Let’s just say you haven’t seen Bucky get really bad yet.”

That thought was enough to break your heart and you were even more afraid to ask the next one,”What caused it?”

“There’s no real cause, sometimes it’s just stress that bottles up, I guess, or something that triggers him.”

“It’s me,” you whispered.

“What?”

“It’s me, I’ve been causing him stress, Steve, it’s me,” you burst out in tears.

Steve shook his head and carefully pulled you aside on the pavement, cupping your face with his hands.

“No, stop, don’t you even fucking think that,” he tried to reassure you but it didn’t help.

It was clear you were the stress factor in Bucky’s life, you made him feel things he wasn’t ready to feel and as if that wasn’t enough you also made him worry about you.  
  
“Steve, I’m the reason he’s been forcing himself to leave the house every day, he’s doing that for me, I caused this,” you were full on sobbing now.

“No, you didn’t, stop saying that,” Steve wasn’t having any of it,” You’ve been good for him, you know that. He’s been a lot more open and a lot more happy since you came into our lives. We both have been.”   
  
You could hear Steve’s words but they weren’t sinking in.  
  
“Listen to me,” he added,” Bucky would never ever blame you for anything that’s beyond your control and you know it. This is not your fault, sweetheart.”

Your tears kept falling but you knew Steve was right, Bucky would never blame you for any of this.   
You were still convinced it was your fault though.

Steve held you close and leaned his forehead against yours.

You both fell silent. You weren’t really sure what was happening but you were suddenly getting lost in Steve’s blue eyes and he didn’t stop staring into yours.

Standing there in his arms and with his face nuzzled against your cheek you realized how close he was. And how much you liked having him this close.

“Please don’t cry,” Steve whispered and he softly kissed the tears from your cheeks,” I’ll do anything to take your tears away, baby, anything.”  
  
You allowed yourself to lean into him and you put your arms around his waist, seeking his warmth and his comfort.  
Steve sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them up again the look that greeted you was different.

You knew this look very well but you had only seen it on Bucky before, not on Steve.

Without saying another word he leaned closer and softly kissed your lips.

If there had been any doubt about your feelings for him before, his kiss chased them all away. You wanted to disappear into that kiss, in the strong firm hold of his arms around you and the soft burn of his beard against your lips.

Bucky had taken up so much of your heart you hadn’t really allowed yourself to think about Steve in this way but right now he was all that filled your mind. You sighed into the kiss and he gently brushed your bottom lip with his thumb, opening you up to him before deepening the kiss.

He didn’t stop kissing you until you were both literally out of breath.  
  
Steve leaned back and bit his lip, unable to keep the smile from his face.

“I’m sorry I…I don’t know what came over me,” he then whispered, suddenly a bit shy.

You just smiled and nuzzled his cheek,” I’m not complaining, Steve.”

He hugged you and kissed your temple. “We should go home,” he then spoke softly.

You nodded your head and broke the hug to look at him,” Yeah, we should.”

But instead of moving away he leaned in and kissed you again, softly but full of determination and he cupped your face with both hands before deepening the kiss and taking your breath away all over again.

“I’m sorry,” he then smiled and pulled back again,” I’m sorry, I just can’t seem to stop.”

You couldn’t stop smiling. This was so different from the kiss with Bucky. There was no hesitation in Steve nor was there any pressure to take this further or for this to mean anything more than what it was. Just a kiss.

You leaned your forehead against his,” We should probably go home and check up on Bucky.”

The mention of Bucky’s name broke the spell and Steve nodded his head. You both broke the hug but Steve immediately took your hand again.

”Is this okay?” he laced his fingers with yours as you started walking.

“Yes,” you smiled,” This is okay, Steve.”

He returned your smile.

“And so was the kiss,” you added, making him blush.

“We should talk about this,” he then said,” not tonight but…soon, all three of us.”

“Yeah, I guess we should.”

The rest of the walk home was quiet, but it was a comfortable quiet. Steve held onto your hand the entire time and even cuddled up to you in the subway.

You both made your way back up to the street with stupidly happy grins on your faces, unaware of the figure lurking in the shadows and following you both from a distance.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Hugs for Bucky! 
> 
> Seriously so many hugs and tears. (that should be the tagline for this fic!)
> 
> There’s lots of comfort and fluff in this chapter but also some angst and talk about ptsd. And my new favorite thing: ‘cuddle sandwich’
> 
> Oh, and no cliffhanger this time! (you’re welcome)

Bucky was sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the little paper in his hand, the bright pink post-it note that had a permanent spot on his bedroom door, courtesy of Steve.

_‘Your name is Bucky, you’re safe here, this is home. If you don’t remember who you are call this number and ask for Steve.’_

He tore the paper in half and let out a frustrated sigh.

Bucky. Bucky. _Bucky_.

He’d been repeating the name over and over again until it didn’t sound so foreign anymore.

How could he keep forgetting? It had been so long now, why couldn’t he just get over it already? He was one of the lucky ones, he made it back, he got a second chance at life.

And he was doing absolutely nothing with it.

He just didn’t know how, how to pull himself out of this darkness, or how to stop the memories from tearing him apart.

He threw the little note in the trash and made his way to the living room, just in time to watch you and Steve walk in. You both stopped and stared at him, the same worried look on both your faces.

Bucky sighed deeply. “Can we not…do this?” he gestured vaguely towards you and Steve,” I had a bad day, okay, let’s not make it into more than it is.”

“Bucky,” Steve’s voice sounded a little annoyed at this understatement,” This was more than a bad day, pal.”

Bucky opened his mouth to protest but then you did the last thing he expected, you just walked up to him and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug.   
You didn’t say a word, you just held him close and tangled your fingers into his hair.

It took him a few seconds to respond but then his body relaxed against yours.  
He hugged you back and buried his face into your hair, forgetting everything he wanted to say.

You stood like that for several minutes, you no longer thought about Steve watching the both of you. All that mattered right now was Bucky and he was clinging to you just as hard as you were to him.

You caressed his hair and his neck and leaned back to look at him when you noticed tears in his eyes.

“Bucky…”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” he whispered and pulled away from you to step into the kitchen where Steve walked up to him.

“I don’t wanna talk,” Bucky repeated, now looking at Steve and angrily wiping away his tears,” I’m warning you, Steve, don’t.”

Steve followed your lead. He didn’t say a word either, instead he grabbed Bucky’s shirt to pull him closer and wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, pulling him in the same tight hug you had just given him.

Steve’s hug was the trigger. Bucky burst out in tears and sobbed against Steve’s chest.

“Why? Why me, Stevie?” Bucky cried,” They should have just killed me out there, it would have been better for everyone…I can’t keep doing this, I can’t, I’m so tired, I’m so fucking tired.”

“I know, baby, I know it sucks, okay,” Steve just kept stroking Bucky’s hair, holding him close and whispering words of comfort,“ I know it’s hard, but you’re doing so good, you’ve been doing so good lately.”

Bucky just shook his head, his tears were soaking through Steve’s shirt. Steve just let him cry, knowing his words couldn’t reach Bucky right now, he needed to calm down first.

“Hey, come on,” Steve whispered after a little while,” Let’s sit you down on the couch.”

Bucky looked like all the energy had just drained from his body and he let Steve guide him.

“Are you hungry? Have you eaten at all today?” Steve asked while he put a blanket over Bucky’s shoulders and gently caressed his face, forcing Bucky to look at him,” We can order in, anything you want.”

“I don’t want anything,” Bucky muttered and he leaned forward, softly dropping his head on Steve’s shoulder.

Steve took the hint and hugged him again. “I guess Pizza it is then,” he smiled.

You stood frozen in your spot as you watched them. 

Steve whispering words of comfort into Bucky’s ear while holding his hand and putting soft kisses all over Bucky’s hair and forehead. Bucky leaning into Steve as if he was the only thing keeping him here, as if Steve’s touch would heal him. Steve lifting Bucky’s hand up to his lips and kissing it, over and over until Bucky’s tears seemed to fade and his lips curled up into a little shy smile.

You’d never witnessed that much pure love and tenderness before and it made your heart ache in the best way possible.

It took a few more minutes before both men realized you were still in the room with them.

“Hey,” Steve’s voice pulled you out of your daydream,” Come over here.”

You hesitantly walked over to the couch, getting ready to sit in the corner, away from them, when Bucky grabbed your hand and pulled you in between him and Steve.

He wrapped his blanket over your legs and his arm around your waist before pulling you into a tight hug. You sighed happily at the feel of Bucky’s warmth all around you.

“Sorry,” you whispered,” I didn’t want to interrupt anything.”

“You didn’t,” Bucky reassured you and then you suddenly felt Steve’s hand on your lower back and his face pressed into the crook of your neck, his breath on your skin giving you goosebumps.

You leaned into both men and closed your eyes for a few seconds. They both hugged you back.  
  
There was no intention behind this hug, no pressure or sexual tension, just warmth and comfort and it was enough.  
  
You knew Bucky and Steve’s relationship was complicated, they both had so much love to give and you felt lucky to even receive part of that. 

After a little while you noticed that apart from hugging you they were still holding hands, their fingers tangled together and Steve’s thumb softly rubbing little circles on Bucky’s skin.   
  
You couldn’t help but smile and in that moment you suddenly realized you wanted these two men to be happy more than you wanted anything else in this entire world.   
More than your own happiness or your own safety. None of that mattered as long as Bucky and Steve were safe and cared for.

You hugged them both a little closer and they both reciprocated. Bucky nuzzled your cheek while Steve placed soft kisses on your shoulder and they both moved in even closer, locking your bodies together.

You stayed like that for a long time, neither of you wanting to break the connection or move out of your warm little bubble.

Until Steve broke the spell,“ I’m afraid I have some bad news, guys.”

“What?” you and Bucky asked at the same time.

”One of us will have to get up and order the pizza.”

***

The rest of the night had been more of the same. 

More of you and Steve comforting Bucky, trying to make him laugh, distract him by binge watching Friends on Netflix while either you or Steve played with his hair. Sharing hugs at any given opportunity and ordering both pizza and Chinese food because Bucky couldn’t choose and neither of you could deny him anything tonight.

The next morning Steve was making coffee in the kitchen when Bucky strolled in, barefoot and with his sweatpants hanging low around his waist, wearing a big Patriots t-shirt Steve was pretty sure had been his at some point.

“Mornin’,” Bucky mumbled while sleepily rubbing his eyes.   
  
“Morning, sunshine,” Steve teased.

“It’s early,” Bucky pointed out.

“I know it’s early,” Steve smiled,” I haven’t been up this early in ages.”

“Why are you up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Where’s Y/N?”

“I think she’s sleeping in,” Steve took a sip from his coffee.

Bucky leaned against the kitchen counter next to Steve and looked at him. “I like her,” he then stated.

“I like her too.”

“No, I mean…I _like_ her, Steve.”

“Oh.”

“I kissed her last week,” Bucky confessed.

“I kissed her last night,” Steve blurted out, regretting it as soon as he did but Bucky just smiled at him.

“Well, that figures, we always did go after the same girl.”

“Is this a problem?” Steve asked,” because I’ll back off if you want to…”

“No,” Bucky immediately reassured him,” No, it’s…I’m not ready for any of that stuff, Stevie, it’s too complicated.”

“Doesn’t have to be.”

He sighed defeated,” It always is.”

“She really likes you too, you know, just be honest with her, ask her what she wants.”

“I don’t want to be a burden, she deserves more than that.”

“Bucky,” Steve sighed.

“ _Steve_ ,” Bucky mimicked Steve’s annoyed sigh and gave him a look.

“What about what you deserve, huh?” Steve then asked,” You’re going to deny yourself love for the rest of your life?”

“Worked so far.”

“Bucky, stop,” Steve placed himself in front of him to look Bucky in the eyes,” Please just stop.”

Bucky looked at him with those big sad eyes and Steve could feel his heart grow weak. “Stop putting yourself down like that,” he then whispered,” you deserve the world, Buck.”

“Shut up, I’m a burden, Steve, I would never do that to anyone I loved, never. The kindest thing I can do is just ignore it and let them get on with their lives. It’s just better, for everyone.”

Steve felt like someone had just punched him in the gut.

“Is that why…? Bucky, is that why we never…?” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words, not with Bucky looking at him like that.

“It doesn’t matter now, I don’t wanna talk about this, Steve,” Bucky stepped away and gave Steve  his best ‘if you ask me one more question I’ll punch you’ look.

Steve knew it all too well and knew not to push Bucky right now.

Bucky opened one of the cabinets and took some cereal, milk and a bowl before disappearing from the room and locking himself in the library, leaving Steve behind.

Steve’d stopped hoping so long ago, after everything that happened, he had accepted that Bucky may never be ready to let someone love him again. 

But to actually hear Bucky say those words, that he felt like a burden that didn’t deserve to be loved, hurt Steve more than he could put into words.   
He put down his coffee mug and just let his tears fall, quietly and unnoticed.

A few rooms down the hall, in the library, Bucky’s tears fell just as quietly as he cried over his breakfast.

***

When Steve arrived home after work that night he found you and Bucky sitting on the couch, talking and laughing. Bucky seemed relaxed and happy, like yesterday never even happened.

What a difference a day could make. 

Steve couldn’t help but smile as he watched you both. He loved watching the two of you interact, and he loved how you seemed to bring Bucky out of his shell without even trying.

“Steve?” you yelled when you’d noticed him come in,” Why didn’t you tell me it’s your birthday next week?”

Steve rolled his eyes at Bucky,” You told her?”

“It came up in conversation,” Bucky feigned innocence.

“So when is it exactly?” you asked.

“Friday,” Steve answered with a sigh while he dropped himself next to you on the couch.

“So Friday…oh my god! Your birthday is the 4th of July? Like Captain America?”

“Yes, like captain America,” Steve admitted with a heavy sigh and another eye roll and you could hear Bucky giggle.  “It’s really not that funny,” Steve added.

“Oh but it is,” Bucky teased,” It’s funny because he looks a little…”

“Oh my god he does!” you covered your mouth with your hand and burst out laughing.  
  
“Yes!” Bucky laughed and high-fived you,” I knew I wasn’t the only one to see it!’

“I hate you both,” Steve acted annoyed but you could see the corners of his mouth curl up into a little smile.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized even though you were still laughing,” but that’s amazing, the entire country throws a party on your birthday.”

“Yes, with fireworks on every corner,” he stated and suddenly the laughter disappeared from the room.

Steve sat quietly for a few seconds before he lifted himself out of the couch. He stepped into the kitchen to grab himself a drink but much to your surprise he went to his room afterwards instead of coming back to you and Bucky.

“What did I say?” you asked a little confused.

“Fireworks and veterans don’t really mix.”

You wanted to kick yourself for being so careless,” Oh god, Bucky, I didn’t think.”

“He can’t go anywhere on his birthday,” Bucky explained,” The fireworks are everywhere and the noise it’s…as much as your head knows it’s not what you think your brain can’t quite comprehend. And it’s not just the noise either, the smell can be just as triggering and it’s everywhere.”

You were lost for words so you just placed your hand over Bucky’s and squeezed softly. He gave you a small smile and squeezed back.

“It just sucks that he can’t celebrate, you know, he has to lock himself up on his birthday or it would be one panic attack after the other.”

Your heart sank,“ I didn’t know Steve had panic attacks.”

“Not very often, but sometimes yeah.”

“I thought he was fine.”

“He’s not fine,” Bucky pointed out,” I mean, he’s very _very_ good at pretending he’s fine, but he’s not fine.”

You stared out in front of you, trying to let Bucky’s words sink in.

“I didn’t see it,” you then whispered.

“Not all trauma comes with a missing limb or screaming nightmares, sometimes it’s very quiet and just beneath the surface, and you’ll never see it until you really look for it. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”

You didn’t know what to say, you’d been so busy relying on Steve to be strong for you and Bucky you never stopped to think how much he was struggling too.

“I’m such an idiot,” you shook your head,” I just thought…he always seemed fine, I should have looked harder.”

Bucky squeezed your hand again and gave you a little comforting smile. “Not your fault, doll, he doesn’t exactly let people in easily.”

“No, he doesn’t,” you sighed and you both sat in silence for a while.

“He didn’t always hate his birthday, you know,” Bucky then spoke softly,” he used to loved it. It’s just…things are different now.”

You were both quiet again, the relaxed mood from before had totally disappeared and as if he’d been waiting until you were done talking Steve stepped back into the room.

He hesitated before sitting down until you grabbed his hand and pulled him down next to you. 

Bucky decided to give you two some space and disappeared into the kitchen.

You pulled Steve closer and without thinking about it you leaned in and softly kissed his lips.

Steve kissed you back and smiled,” Hey, what did I do to deserve this?”

“You know that little speech you gave me this week, about always being honest and telling each other everything? That works both ways, you know.”

Steve just smiled at you and squeezed your hand,” I’m okay. Really.”

You stared into his eyes, trying to find the truth in there.

“I promise you, I’m okay,” Steve repeated and leaned in to kiss your lips again.   
  
This time you pulled back and shook your head.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Bucky,” you whispered shyly while letting your eyes drift to the kitchen where Bucky was standing.

“It’s okay, Bucky knows.”

“Bucky knows?” you asked shocked.

“There are no secrets between me and Bucky,” Steve just smiled.

“I just…I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Bucky yelled from inside the kitchen, making you jump.

Steve covered his face and laughed and Bucky joined you in the living room, sitting down next to Steve on the couch.   
You didn’t know where to look or whose eyes you wanted to avoid most.

“I…I don’t know what to say,” you stuttered.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Bucky reassured you,” Look, you two are my favorite people in the entire world, all I want is for you both to be happy. If kissing Steve makes you happy then please, kiss him every opportunity you get.”

You couldn’t look Bucky in the eyes, you had no doubt he meant what he said but it still felt too weird for you. You did want to kiss Steve, but you also still wanted to kiss Bucky.

“Can we change the subject?” Steve saved the day.

“Oh god, yes, please,” you agreed.

“Okay, so back to Steve’s birthday then,” Bucky teased and Steve rolled his eyes again and let his head fall back onto the couch.

“What do you usually do on your birthday?” you asked.

“Bitch and complain,” Bucky answered in Steve’s name, earning him a slap on the head from Steve.

“What?” Bucky laughed,” It’s true, you turn into this bitter grumpy 80 year old man who hates everything.”

“Shut the fuck up, I do not!” Steve defended himself,” Besides we’re the same age, jerk.”

“You’re almost a year older, grandpa,” Bucky teased.

“Yeah, well I’m not too old to kick your ass!”

Bucky snorted,” Oh, I’d love to see you try, punk!”

You couldn’t help but laugh. All the awkwardness had faded from the room seeing Bucky and Steve be so playful with each other and you suddenly had an idea.

“Steve, we should throw you a birthday party,’ you then suggested.

“Um…no, thank you,” he was immediately shaking his head,” I don’t even know anyone to invite to a party.”  
  
“Just us then,” you said.

“That’ll be the lamest party ever,” Steve stated and you and Bucky looked at him as if he just insulted you both.

“I meant no offense!” Steve raised his hands and laughed,” Just…a party’s not a good idea.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” Bucky grinned.

“Really?” you asked surprised.

“Absolutely,” Bucky supported you,” we could use a party, all of us, and it would be on our own terms, in our own place. It’s perfect, Y/N.”

You smiled proudly.

Steve was still sighing and rolling his eyes. “It’s the worst idea ever, guys.”

You just smiled at him and nodded your head, convinced to make this year different for Steve, or at least do your utter best to try,” Have some faith, Rogers.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: It’s a party! Things get a little hot on the dance floor between you and Steve, and Bucky has his own special birthday present for Steve. And then there’s a blast from the past.
> 
> This chapter is a little longer than I wanted but I just couldn’t split this one up anywhere so you’re getting it all in one.
> 
> No warnings just lots of fluff, banter, kissing and teasing (no smut yet, I’m getting there, I swear!)
> 
> The song I used in the end is a cover version of Hopelessly devoted to you by Daisy Clark, it fitted the scene I had in my head perfectly :)

All windows and blinds in the apartment were closed, the only light was coming from the hundreds of candles you’ve placed everywhere.   
There were balloons hanging from the ceiling and several more spread out across the floor of the living room and kitchen. 

Red, white and blue because Bucky was a little shit who loved to tease Steve.   
Big shiny red letters spread out ‘happy birthday’ across the living room wall.

The kitchen counter was filled with snacks and beer and the music was hopefully loud enough to block most of the fireworks outside but not too loud to cause a headache.

Steve stared at the place with his mouth open while you eagerly awaited his reaction.

“This…oh my god,” he shook his head in a laugh,” This is the biggest fire hazard I’ve ever seen.”

You rolled your eyes,” Can you just relax for one night? It’s your birthday, nothing is going to go wrong, I promise.”

He met your eyes and smiled,” You did all this for me?”

“Bucky helped.”

“You both did all this for me?” he repeated with a thankful grin on his face.

“I just…he told me you never really celebrate and you can’t go out on your birthday. I just wanted it to be special this year.”

He stepped closer, wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you up against his chest.

“It’s perfect,” he whispered and placed a soft kiss on your lips,” absolutely perfect. But…um…I have to ask…what’s with the 70’s disco music?”

“Bucky told me that was your favorite.”

Steve started laughing while he ran his hand across his face,” Oh god…”

“It’s not, is it?” you realized.

He was shaking his head but couldn’t stop laughing,” No, not exactly.”

“I’m gonna kill him! I made an entire fucking playlist with only this!”

Steve just grabbed your hand and put his lips on yours again, shutting you up with a kiss.

“And I’m going to dance to every single song on that playlist,” he then whispered, putting the smile on your face.

“We can put on something else,” you suggested.

“Absolutely not,” he insisted,” This is already the best birthday present anyone’s gotten me in a really long time.”

You sighed relieved and leaned against him,” You’re welcome.”

You both broke your hug when Bucky stepped into the room.

He rolled his eyes,“ How many times do I have to say this? You don’t gotta stop on my account, I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” you smiled a little shyly and stepped up to him.

Bucky was expecting anything from a hug to a kiss on the cheek but not the punch you gave him in the stomach.

“Hey! What the hell?” he stepped back immediately.

“70’s disco?” you squinted your eyes at him,” I should have fucking known, you little shit!”

He grinned amused,” Yeah, okay, I deserved that. In my defense, Steve’s actual favorite music is slow alternative rock and I wasn’t going to have us listen to that all night long, I was doing us all a favor here, trust me.”

Steve rolled his eyes at Bucky,” As someone who listens to Taylor Swift your argument is invalid.”

You covered your mouth and laughed,” Swift? Really, James?”

“It’s just the one song, it’s catchy,” Bucky defended himself,” I listen to rock too.”

“Sure you do,” you teased him.

“Stop ganging up on me,” Bucky whined.

You put your arm around his neck and hugged him, putting the smile back on his face.

The mood was relaxed even before any alcohol was had. 

Steve was true to his word, he did dance to almost every song that night. Even while you were all sitting down to eat his head was still bouncing along to the music, putting a smile on your face.  
You knew he was only doing it to show his appreciation for what you’ve done and not because he genuinely enjoyed the music, but that just made it even more adorable.

By the time half of the beers on the kitchen counter were gone Steve was standing in the middle of the living room, swaying along to [Abba’s Take a chance on me](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-crgQGdpZR0&t=NDhjNTFiMzA1MzZlZGU2M2RhMTRjMWRmMGEwOTYwOGU4ZTNjZTcwYixxTWlLR1Z6Zw%3D%3D&b=t%3Ax-imo0n1E4xW-2vmo0xzMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmywritingsblog.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F171662209256%2Fafter-all-chapter-9&m=1) and even singing along to some of the lyrics.

Bucky seemed equally relaxed, sitting on the couch, leaned back with a beer in his hand and a big grin on his face while he watched Steve’s dorky dancing.

You’d been dancing alongside Steve for most of the night and your legs were starting to protest.

“I need a few minutes,” you breathed and let yourself sink down on the couch next to Bucky.

“You’re gonna sit with me for a bit?” Bucky asked with a sweet smile on his face while he took your hand.

“If that’s okay with you?”

“Always,” he lifted your hand up to his lips and placed a soft kiss on it. You sighed happily and you both watched Steve for a few minutes.

“Do you think he’s drunk yet?” you asked after a while.

Bucky just smiled,” Steve doesn’t get drunk, trust me, I’ve tried.”

You gave him a surprised look,” Are _you_ drunk yet?”

Bucky laughed and moved closer to rest his head on your shoulder. ”Little bit,” he confessed.

You softly ran your fingers through his hair and smiled when you heard him hum in appreciation.

“Look at him,” Bucky then sighed,” Big fucking dork, dancing like he doesn’t have a single care in the world.”

You realized Bucky was right, you had never seen Steve this relaxed before. All he seemed to care about was dancing. And impressing you and Bucky apparently, he kept giving you both glances and cute little smiles while his body surrendered to the beat.   
You could just sit right here next to Bucky and watch him dance all night long.

“It’s wonderful what you did for him tonight,” Bucky pulled you from your thoughts.

“It was nothing, Bucky.”

“No, it’s not nothing, it’s a lot. He needed this, we all did. And it wouldn’t have happened without you.”

“Well, you helped, and looking at him now I think your 70’s music was an excellent choice.”

You both smiled and continued to just look at Steve without talking for a while. Bucky’s head on your shoulder and you leaning against him, enjoying his warmth.

After a while Steve came up to you both and reached out his hand to you.

“I need my dance partner, come on,” he encouraged you.

You sighed but didn’t protest as he pulled you away from Bucky and back onto the dance floor.   
You were ready to join Steve in his dorky moves when you felt his hands rest on your waist, pulling you in close. He pressed his forehead against yours and started swaying to the music, slowly this time.

HIs blue eyes stared into yours, making you a little unsteady on your feet. You weren’t sure if it was because of the alcohol or just the intensity of his gaze, or both, but right now a small group of butterflies were having their own private party in your stomach.

Steve was gorgeous, and the best thing was he didn’t seem to realize half how gorgeous he was.  
  
When he rolled his hips against yours you had to suppress a little whimper. Steve smiled at your reaction and softly nuzzled your cheek.

“Put your arms around me,” he whispered and you did as he asked.

Bucky sat on the couch watching, not knowing who to look at first, you or Steve.

“Tonight is perfect,” Steve purred into your ear,” I didn’t know how much I needed this.”

“I did,” you smiled and hugged him a little closer.

He closed his eyes and just danced with you for a while, making you forget about everything else around you. His breath was warm on your neck, putting goosebumps all over your skin. You could feel his heart beat against your chest, just as fast and loud as yours.   
You were no longer moving along to the beat of the disco music, you were just slow dancing now, as if you were both listening to another, more romantic, song in your heads.

Steve’s fingers were tracing patterns on your lower back, leaving more goosebumps in their wake. Your entire body shivered when you felt his lips brush against your ear.

“I want to kiss you so badly,” he then whispered,” May I, please?”

“It’s your birthday, how can I say no?” you smiled.

He looked deep into your eyes, suddenly al serious and no longer teasing,” Hey, you can always say no to me if you don’t like something, I would never want to pressure you to do something you don’t wanna do, please tell me if…”

“Steve,” you interrupted him,” Shut up and kiss me, please.”

He leaned in and softly pressed his lips to yours, a little hesitant and with so much patience, waiting for you to lean in and take it further.

You weren’t as patient as he was, you slowly opened your mouth to deepen the kiss and it didn’t take very long for Steve to take over again. His mouth so hot and wet against yours. He grabbed hold of your neck to keep you close and slipped his tongue into your mouth.

His hands seemed to be everywhere, rubbing your arms and shoulders, then fumbling with your shirt until he found a way underneath to gently caress your back. You moaned at the first touch of his warm hands on your naked skin.  
  
He moved his mouth from your lips down to your neck, kissing, sucking and gently dragging his teeth along your skin. He pulled your shirt down a little to free your shoulders so he could kiss his way down. One of his hands gently cupped your breast, grazing his thumb across your nipple through the fabric of your shirt.

You were heating up with every touch, pressing your body against his to feel him closer.

“Steve,” you breathed and moved your hands underneath his shirt, digging your nails into his back.

Steve let out a deep breathy moan into your ear,” I need you. Fuck, I need you.”

He leaned in to devour your mouth again, his kiss hungry and desperate.

You were falling apart in his arms, his kisses were so intoxicating, you never wanted him to stop. But at the same time you were starting to feel completely overwhelmed by just how much you wanted him and where this was leading.

“Steve,” you put your hands on his chest and tried to control your breathing,  
”Wait.”

He pulled back immediately, one word was all he needed and you let out a relieved sigh. He leaned his forehead against yours and bit his lip,” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

He was breathing heavily and struggling to find the words, his judgment still clouded by his need for you.

“Don’t be sorry,” you reassured him,” I just…you need to go slow with me, okay? Real slow.”

“Okay,” he leaned his forehead against yours and closed his eyes for a little bit, trying to regain his composure and pull himself away from this fire you lighted inside him.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed,” I shouldn’t have…”

“You did nothing wrong,” he quickly reassured you and he leaned in to put a soft kiss on your lips, not trying to take it further this time, just enjoying the feeling of your mouth on his before he pulled back and smiled at you.

Relief flooded you once again. He wasn’t angry, or offended, or even annoyed. Those gorgeous blue eyes were filled with the same love and warmth as before.

“You did nothing wrong,” Steve repeated softly and he hugged you close.

Tears of happiness filled your eyes when he started slow dancing with you again. You clung to him for two more songs before you both decided to take a break and head into the kitchen with Bucky to have another drink.

***

The party started to wear down a while after that. You had no idea how late or how early it was since there was no light from outside coming in but all three of you were starting to feel tired and your playlist was nearing it’s end.

After your heated dance with Steve you’d taken a bit of distance from him and allowed him to hang back with Bucky. 

You’d heard bits of their conversation and knew they were talking about the past, the time Steve’s mum was still alive and the time they spent in college together.   
The time they shared in the war was conveniently skipped, tonight was a night for only good memories and by the way both Steve and Bucky laughed and chatted it was clear there had been a lot of those too.

You decided to call it a night once everyone had turned quiet and it was clear the party was over.   
  
Bucky kissed your cheek and hugged you tight before he let you go. Steve seemed a little shy when he walked up to you, the effects of the alcohol already starting to wear off.

“What? You’re not gonna hug me now?” you teased him.

Your approach seemed to work because his lips curled into a grin before he wrapped his arms around you and almost lifted you off the ground in a tight hug.

“Happy birthday,” you whispered into his ear.

“Thank you for tonight,” he whispered back and released you from his arms,  
”This is one I’m going to remember forever.”

You leaned in to kiss him, suddenly you were a little unsure whether to go for his cheek or his lips but he quickly stepped in and decided for you, placing a soft but firm kiss on your lips.   
You both looked at each other for a few seconds, just smiling and staring until you broke eye contact and leaned back.

“Good night, birthday boy.”

Steve watched you as you left, still grinning to himself before he turned his attention to Bucky.

“You’re so smitten,” Bucky teased.

“Shut up,” Steve blushed and turned to look at Bucky. He looked tired but the grin on his face was genuine and warm. He looked as relaxed as Steve felt.

“Did you have a good night?” Steve asked.

“Yeah,” Bucky smiled,” It was a good night, Stevie.”

They both listened as the last notes of the last song left the speakers. For some reason the silence that followed left them both feeling a little nervous.  
  
“Well…I guess it’s over now,” Steve smiled and they both stood a little awkwardly for a while until Steve finally moved,” I’ll see you in the morning, Buck.”

“Wait!”

Steve turned in surprise to find Bucky looking so obviously uncomfortable, biting his lip and avoiding Steve’s eyes.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?”

“There’s one more song,” Bucky’s voice was shaking a little but he didn’t hesitate when he reached out his hand to Steve.

“What’s this?” Steve asked surprised.

“I owe you a birthday dance,” Bucky spoke softly and he finally found the courage to look Steve in the eyes, still waiting for Steve to grab his hand.

Bucky’s gaze was serious, a little insecure even, as if there was a possibility that Steve wouldn’t take his hand and that possibility would absolutely crush him. “If you’ll dance with me?” he added a little unsure.

Steve’s smile took away all of his insecurities and before he could say another word Steve’s hand was warm in his and they were moving to the middle of the improvised dance floor while a slow song started playing.

“I thought you didn’t dance,” Steve remarked.

“I’m making an exception for you, don’t ruin it by talking too much, Rogers.”

Steve smiled warmly and draped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders. Bucky just wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and pulled him close, leaning their heads together.

_**[“Hopelessly devoted by Daisy Clark”](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D8foh6QC0n1c&t=ZjQ2MzcyYjE0Mjk5Y2UyMWQwYjQyYTQ2MmI3NjA1OTY3Mzg2YTM2MyxxTWlLR1Z6Zw%3D%3D&b=t%3Ax-imo0n1E4xW-2vmo0xzMA&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmywritingsblog.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F171662209256%2Fafter-all-chapter-9&m=1) ** _

Steve’s smile grew bigger as the song started playing,” Wow.”

“I didn’t pick this song,” Bucky quickly stated.

“I was gonna ask,” Steve asked with a grin on his face.

“I just asked her to add a slow one, this isn’t…what I would have picked.”

Steve just continued grinning,” Hmm, I love this one, Buck.”

_**‘Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry, I’m not the first to know there’s just no getting over you. I’m hopelessly devoted to you.’** _

They continued to shuffle along to the music, both a little unsure if they should lead or follow. After a while they were hugging more than they were dancing, and they both didn’t seem to mind.

Bucky leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder and Steve wrapped an arm around his shoulder, resting his hand in Bucky’s neck.

_**“You know I”m just a fool who’s willing to sit around and wait for you, but baby can’t you see, there’s nothing else for me to do.”** _

“You looked really happy tonight,” Bucky whispered.

“Yeah, it was a good night. Thank you for making this happen.”

“She did most of the work,” Bucky shrugged.

“You helped,” Steve smiled and ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair.

Bucky leaned into Steve’s hand and closed his eyes in a happy sigh,” Wanted you to be happy tonight.”

Steve could tell Bucky was tired and he realized he probably waited up all night to give Steve his last dance. He hugged Bucky a little tighter.

 _ **“My head is saying fool forget him, my heart is saying don’t let go, hold on to the end, that’s what I intend to do. I’m hopelessly devoted to you.”**_  
  
Steve’s stomach did a funny flip when he watched Bucky lean into his touch. Bucky’s lips curled into a smile that grew bigger with every touch Steve granted him. It only encouraged Steve to keep touching him.   
He continued caressing Bucky’s hair, scratching his fingers over Bucky’s scalp and gently massaging his neck.

“Hmmm, that feels good, don’t stop,” Bucky hummed in pleasure, putting Steve’s stomach in all kinds of knots.

They were hugging very close now, Bucky’s nose pressed against Steve’s cheek.

“You know, as far as birthday presents go, a dance really is the cheapest thing you could have come up with, right?” Steve teased.

“Shut up, asshole,” Bucky grunted,” If you’re not enjoying your dance we can stop, you know.”

Bucky wanted to pull back but Steve just held him tight,” Not a chance.”

Bucky’s lips curled into a smile,” That’s what I thought.”

Steve buried his face into the crook of Bucky’s neck, breathing him in, before he whispered,” I’m not letting you leave my arms until the very last note is done.”

His words were enough to shut Bucky up and they continued to dance-hug without speaking, holding each other as close as they possibly could.

Steve shivered when Bucky opened his eyes and stared right at him. 

They’d been this close in a hug before but this time everything felt completely different. They hadn’t danced like this before, and Bucky definitely hadn’t looked at him like this before.

“Buck,” Steve’s voice was shaking.

“You look so beautiful, Stevie.”

Bucky’s words made Steve’s heart melt and he was completely lost for words.

“You’ve always looked beautiful,” Bucky confessed with a little smile.

Steve was pretty sure he’d never blushed this hard in his entire life. “Now who’s talking too much, huh?” he teased. 

His voice was still shaking and he instantly regretted his words, but Bucky didn’t seem thrown off by them.

“Come here,” Bucky whispered and he leaned closer, softly pressing his lips against Steve’s.

Bucky’s kiss was gentle, loving and warm, and so very delicate. It was everything Steve had wanted for so many years and the best birthday present he could have ever wished for.  
  
He whimpered at the loss of Bucky’s mouth on his, making Bucky grin. “Happy birthday, punk,” he smiled.

***

Bucky was the first to wake up the next morning, strolling his way through the remaining balloons on the floor to get to the kitchen, a smile on his lips when he remembered the night before.

He turned on the coffee machine when there was a knock on the door, surprising him. They didn’t get a lot of visitors up here, it was mostly just the landlord and never this early in the day.

Bucky opened the door and was greeted by a man he’d never seen before.

“Can I help you?” Bucky asked, keeping the door half closed to hide his missing arm.

“Hi, I’m sorry for disturbing you, I’m looking for someone and was told she may have been seen around here.”

The man turned on his phone and put it in front of Bucky’s face. For a moment Bucky’s breath was stuck in his throat.

He was looking at a picture of you, but somehow it didn’t look like you, your hair was different and you looked younger. You were smiling on the picture but it wasn’t the smile Bucky knew, it didn’t seem to reach your eyes.   
  
Bucky turned his attention to the man again. He was tall and not bad looking, all muscle underneath his black hoodie, his face both friendly and intense.

Bucky couldn’t quite put his finger on it but something about this guy instantly felt off to him. Maybe it was the way his smile was just a tad too friendly, or the way his eyes kept trying to peek through the door behind Bucky to look into the apartment.  
  
“Who is she?” Bucky asked.

“She’s my sister,” the man sighed,” She took off a few months ago without letting us know where she was going. The thing is…my mum has fallen very ill these past weeks and she would really love to see her daughter before she…”

Bucky watched him bite back tears. Oh, this guy was good.

“I’ve been looking all over the city,” the man continued,” I know she doesn’t want to be found but…if you know anything, please, any help would be so very much appreciated.”

Bucky looked at the picture again, at the smile on your face that didn’t feel like a smile and the distant look in your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he then shook his head and looked the man dead in the eyes,” I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.”

As Bucky expected he could see the change in expression on the man’s face. It wasn’t disappointment, it was anger, because for some reason he knew Bucky was lying.

“Are you sure?” he tried again, quickly recovering and falling back into his role.

“I’m very sure, it’s just me and my boyfriend up here, we don’t get a lot of visitors.”

“Oh,” the man seemed thrown by Bucky’s words for a moment,’ Oh, okay.”

“But if I do see her I will let her know her brother is looking for her,” Bucky kept his eyes on him a little longer than necessary before he closed the door in the man’s face.

Just as Bucky stepped back into the kitchen you walked in from the hallway.

“Morning, party animal,” you smiled.

Bucky took a moment to look at you, at the smile on your lips and how your eyes lit up with it, at how different you looked from the girl he’d just seen in that picture.

“Hey,” he smiled back and stepped closer to you.

You noticed the serious look in his eyes,” Everything okay?”

“Yeah, listen, there was someone at the door just now looking for you, someone who claimed he was your brother?”

It felt like someone just pulled the rug from under your feet and made you fall down hard. 

The whole party, dancing with Steve, cuddling with Bucky, all the happiness you’d felt the night before suddenly felt like it had been nothing but a dream or a distant memory. 

This was reality and in your reality you would never be free from him.

“I thought you didn’t have any family?” Bucky continued,” Y/N?”

“What did he look like?” you whispered.

“Tall, well built, short dark hair, handsome, with a crooked smile.”

 _Brock_.

You didn’t realize you were shaking so hard until Bucky was standing right in front of you, grabbing your hand and forcing you to look into his eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay, he’s gone, I didn’t tell him anything,” Bucky’s voice was soft and soothing and he placed his hand into your neck to calm you down,” It’s okay.”

“Bucky,” you sobbed.

“It’s okay, doll, you’re safe with me,” he hugged you tight and kissed your forehead, letting you cry into his chest for a while without asking anything else. 

He waited until you stopped crying to break the hug and look at you, “Why don’t you start at the beginning? I’ll make us some coffee and you tell me who that bastard is.”

You nodded your head and wiped your tears,” Okay.”

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Emotions run high now that both Steve and Bucky know the truth about Brock. 
> 
> Angst, more angst, some fluff, then more angst.
> 
> Please don’t hate me.

Your coffee had turned cold, you hadn’t touched it since Bucky placed it in front of you, over an hour ago now. 

Once you’d started talking the words had been an endless stream with no end. You filled Bucky in on everything he needed to know about Brock, and some things he didn’t necessarily need to know either.  
It just felt like such a relief to finally get it all off your chest and no longer have to hide anything from him.

You’d been shaking the whole way through your confession but Bucky’s hand never left your back, rubbing slow comforting circles, helping to keep you calm. He never interrupted or asked any questions until you were completely done.

“How did he find you?” he then asked.

“He must have followed me from the restaurant before, he’s probably been watching us for some time now.”

“No, I mean, how did he find you here, in New York?” Bucky rephrased,” It’s a pretty big city to disappear in, how did he even know where to start looking?”

“I don’t know but he always finds me, every city I’ve been in he’s managed to track me down.”

“Hmm,” you could tell Bucky was thinking,“ Is there any way he can track you down? Cell phone, credit card?”

“I never used either of those during the first months and he still found me. He has connections everywhere, Bucky, he’s…he’s a cop.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, _oh_ ,” you sighed.

“That’s why you never reported him,” Bucky realized, even though you hadn’t actually told him that yet.

You nodded your head,” He’s known as a calm and polite professional, respected and admired by all his colleagues. I was the mentally unstable girlfriend. Who do you think they’d believe?”

You hesitated for a moment, not sure if you wanted to say the next part out loud.

“But that wasn’t the only reason I didn’t report him,” you then confessed,” A huge part of me didn’t want to report him, Bucky, because if for some reason they did believe me then…that would mean I would lose him. And that was the worst possible thing I could imagine at that time, having to live without him.”

Bucky stayed quiet.

“I was completely brainwashed and stupid,” you sighed.

“It’s not your fault,” Bucky moved his hand away from your back to grab your hand,” None of it was your fault, babe.”

“Yeah,” you bit back tears,” But I let him do it to me anyway.”

“You didn’t let him do anything, he abused you, he’s the only one at fault here, not you. You’re the victim.”

You shrugged,“ I hate that word.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Bucky sighed and let out a weak laugh.

He laced his fingers with yours, softly caressing your skin with his thumb and you just looked at each other for a while without speaking.   
Words weren’t necessary in that moment, as you looked into Bucky’s eyes you knew he understood better than anyone what you meant, what you went through and how that effected you. 

He _knew_. And that in itself was the biggest comfort anyone could offer you right now.

You both looked up when Steve walked through the door.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, instantly worried seeing the serious looks on both of your faces.

Bucky waited to let you speak.

“Brock was here,” you sighed.

“What?!” Steve was by your side in a second, cupping your face into his large warm hands and looking deep into your eyes,” Are you alright? Did he hurt you? Are you okay? How did he…?”

“He didn’t see me, I’m okay,” you interrupted him and put one of your hands on his to reassure him,” Bucky met him at the door.”

Steve’s eyes turned to Bucky who was still holding your other hand and gave Steve a reassuring little nod.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered,” I should have told you both everything right from the start.”  
  
“It’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for,” Steve’s voice reassured you, followed by Bucky’s. “We understand, doll, you don’t have to explain.”

You looked at them both, Steve’s hand now gently caressing your neck while Bucky’s hand still squeezed yours softly, genuine concern and love in both their eyes. 

“Thank you,” you whispered

“So what do we do now?” Bucky asked.

“There’s nothing you can do,” you sighed defeated.

“We can beat him up,” Steve suggested.

“And what good would that do? He’d have you both put in jail for assaulting a police officer.”

“He’s a police officer?” Steve asked shocked.

“Yeah, I hadn’t told you that small detail yet,” you confessed, avoiding his eyes.

“I don’t give a shit about that,” Bucky said,” I want that bastard to get what he deserves, if that means doing a little jail time I’m all for it, it’ll be worth it just to kick his pathetic ass.”

“Bucky, no,” you pulled his hand to make him look at you,” I don’t want you or Steve to get hurt, okay, this is my past, you guys shouldn’t get involved in this.”

“Hey,” Steve forced you to look at him now,” We care for you so we’re involved, whether you like it or not.”

“But…”

He pressed his forehead against yours, shutting you up instantly. “We take care of you now,” he whispered, leaving you with nothing to do but nod your head.

“Okay,” you caved,” but no fighting, no beating him up. Promise me, please?”

Bucky was already shaking his head.

“Bucky?’ you pleaded.

“I can’t make that promise, doll.”

“Steve?” you tried.

“I’m with him on this, sorry,” Steve confessed, avoiding your eyes.

You stepped away from them and created some distance between the three of you,” Fine, be idiots then.”

There was only one thing in the world you feared more than running into Brock yourself now and that was for Bucky or Steve to run into him. 

You had no doubt both men knew how to carry themselves in a fight but you couldn’t shake the feeling that this was not their fight to take on. It was yours, and if they got hurt trying to defend you you’d never forgive yourself.

But of course they had to act like typical alpha males and follow their instinct to protect. You knew you should be thankful for that, and part of you was, but the bigger part of you was annoyed with them now for not even considering your request.

“There’s something else I want to check,” Bucky pulled you from your thoughts,” The way he always finds you bothers me.”

“Yes well it fucking bothers me too, Bucky, what’s your point?” you asked, unable to hide the frustration in your voice.

“I need to see everything you have on you that he may have been able to get his hands on,” he then said.

Your eyes met Bucky’s and you fell quiet.

Steve’s attention had also turned to Bucky,” Do you think he’s…”

“Yeah, I think he’s tracking her, literally,” Bucky explained and then turned his attention back to you,” I need your cell phone, laptop, ipod, every device you have.”

You sighed annoyed,” Bucky.”

“And I need you to throw away all credit cards, everything that can be linked to the old you, even passports and driver’s licence, we can get you new ones.”

“What?” you asked.

“We can?” Steve asked surprised.

“Natasha,” Bucky explained.

“Oh, right,” Steve realized,” Bucky’s right, whatever you need for a new identity, my friend can get it for us. I should have thought about that sooner.” He shook his head and looked down and you knew by the way his jaw clenched that he was blaming himself for not thinking about it sooner.

“What else?” Bucky was asking the question more to himself than anyone else in the room,” What else do you have?”

“My car,” you answered in a sigh.

“I’m gonna need the keys,” Bucky stated.

“You’re not getting rid of my car!” you immediately objected.

“I just need to check it,” Bucky insisted.

“You can’t…Bucky…you can’t just erase everything from my past…you can’t just…erase me, that’s not…that car is all I have left that’s mine,” you had to stop talking to catch your breath and for some reason your heart had started beating a lot faster in these past two minutes.

Both men were quiet, giving you time to calm yourself down.

“I need some air,” you shook your head,” I can’t deal with this right now.”

You moved towards the front door but Steve was quick to grab your wrist and stop you,” You can’t go out there on your own with him out there, are you nuts?”

You let out an angry sigh and pulled your hand off him pretty roughly, making Steve flinch and step back. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I need to be alone for a while,” you stepped away too.

Steve was quick to give you your space but Bucky was less patient,” I need those car keys now,” he insisted.

“They’re in the bowl by the door,” you snapped at him and rushed out of the kitchen, through the living room and into the first room you came across, the library.

You shut the door behind you and leaned against it, feeling your anger dissolve and make room for something worse, blind panic.

You hadn’t meant to get angry at Bucky, or Steve, you’d just wanted to get away from everything for a bit, go outside and get some air. And the realization that you couldn’t suddenly hit you hard.

You may have gotten away from Brock but he still controlled your every move. Nothing had changed, you were still trapped.

You were breathing heavily and sweat was starting to build on your forehead. You sank down on the floor against the door, wrapping your arms around your knees, trying your best to hold it together but failing.  
Your heart was racing like crazy now, you knew you were having a panic attack.

“Steve,” you’d meant to call out for him but his name came out as nothing but a breathy whisper. There was no way he could hear you from inside this room, you were all alone.

You needed to focus on something. You closed your eyes and tried to picture the blue in Steve’s eyes, how looking at him always managed to calm you down and help you through these episodes.   
You tried to imagine the comforting touch of Bucky’s hand on your back, just rubbing slow circles, back and forth, like he did earlier in the kitchen. You tried to block out all other thoughts, just Steve’s soft eyes and Bucky’s warm hand.

It took a few minutes for it to work but eventually your heart rate slowed down. You stayed on the floor for over an hour, or what felt like over an hour anyway, giving yourself time to calm down.  
You wiped your tears and tried to quiet your mind. You weren’t sure why you hadn’t spent more time in this room yet. There was a modern fire place, a large dark carpet on the wooden floor with two very comfortable looking arm chairs, wall to wall books and no windows. It almost felt as if you were in an old fashioned manor somewhere on a quiet estate far outside of the city, not inside a New York city apartment in the middle of Brooklyn.   
You suddenly fully understood why Bucky spent so many days in here.

The thought of Bucky pulled you back into reality. You’d snapped at him, and Steve, pretty hard, and they were only trying to help you. They were the last people to deserve your anger.

You stayed inside the room a little longer, until you felt strong enough to face them again. You were on your way to apologize to Bucky when you ran into Steve in the hallway, both of you stopping in your track and for a moment you both just stood there in awkward silence.

“Hey,” Steve eventually whispered,” I’m sorry about before.”

“Don’t be, you did nothing wrong,” you looked up to meet his eyes.

”Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just needed some space. I’m sorry I snapped, the last thing I wanted was to get angry at Bucky, or you.”

He gave you a little smile,” It’s alright, I have an idea, come on.”

He reached out his hand to you and you took it without hesitating, letting him guide you out into the hallway and then onto the balcony. Steve put his hands on your shoulders and gently pushed you out in front of him and into the warm afternoon sun.

You closed your eyes and breathed in the air, listening to the sounds of the busy city all around you and feeling the warm wind on your skin. It wasn’t exactly the same as going outside into the streets but it was close enough.

Your lips curled into a little smile and when you opened your eyes Steve stood right in front of you, smiling back at you.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yeah, this is nice.”

You couldn’t help but notice the doubt in his eyes.  
  
“It’s really nice, Steve,” you reassured him,” Where’s Bucky?”

“He went to take a look at your car.”

You nodded your head and Steve hesitantly stepped closer to you, not sure if you still needed space or if he was allowed to close the distance between the two of you and put his arms around you, like he’d been wanting to do ever since he saw you in the kitchen earlier.

When he noticed you’d been crying he didn’t hold back any longer. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you in close. His hug put tears in your eyes again and you clung to him so hard he struggled to keep from crying himself.

“I should have been here,” he whispered,” I should have protected you, if I think about what could have happened if Bucky was still sleeping and you were the one to open that door…”

“Steve,” you caressed his back and pressed your forehead to his, locking eyes with him,” that didn’t happen, okay, I’m fine.”

He cupped your face and kissed your cheek, your forehead, your nose and then, very softly, your lips. Your heart was beating fast again, but this time for all the right reasons.

“I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if anything happened to you,” he whispered.  
  
You hugged him, unable to speak any words but hoping the intensity of your hug would tell him everything you wanted him to know.

You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself either if anything happened to Steve.

For months now he had been your rock, your best friend and your safe space, the one you could always rely on to pick you up when you were down. The one who showed you men could also be sensitive and compassionate, that they could care for you and love you without expecting anything in return.  
  
It was no secret Steve Rogers single handedly restored your faith in all men.

You both just stood there hugging each other for several minutes until Steve pulled back.

“Why don’t you stay out here for a little while?” he suggested,” Enjoy the sun and the fresh air, I’m gonna see what Bucky is up to and after that maybe we can eat out here? Like an outdoor picnic? We have some leftovers in the fridge, I can make us something.”

You smiled at his suggestion and leaned into his chest,” That sounds really nice, you always seem to know exactly what I need.”

“Well, I try,” he softly kissed your forehead, letting his lips linger for a while before stepping away and leaving you alone on the balcony.

***

Steve was in the middle of checking the fridge, picking out leftovers from the past few days and thinking of ways to mix them together into something that could be considered an actual meal, when Bucky walked in.

“Hey, what took you so long?” Steve asked.

“I had to make sure I didn’t miss anything, the car is clean.”

“What were you expecting to find? An actual tracker?”

“I wouldn’t put anything past that guy,” Bucky sighed.

“Yeah, me neither,” Steve looked at him, finding the same anger in Bucky’s eyes as he felt when he even thought about the name Brock,” Thing is he could be tracking her in more ways than one, Buck, there’s no way for us to know how he’s doing it, if he’s a cop he has access to so many…”

“Yes, I fucking know!” Bucky cut him off angrily,” Thank you, captain obvious!”

Steve sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, avoiding Bucky’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky covered his face with his hand and sighed heavily,”I’m sorry, Steve.”

“It’s okay,” Steve whispered,” Do you want to check her other stuff, computer or cell phone?”

“It doesn’t really matter, does it?” Bucky sighed.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he found her now, she’s going to leave us, Steve,” Bucky blurted out.

Bucky’s words threw Steve off and for a moment he had no idea what to say, or think.

“She has to, right?” Bucky added,” That’s what she does, she runs from him until he finds her and then…she has to run again, right?”

“I…I don’t know,” Steve stuttered, letting Bucky’s words sink in.

He and Bucky looked at each other, both overcome by the same sudden sadness. They were both quiet.

“Stevie, I don’t want her to go,” Bucky confessed after a while, his voice quiet and shaking.

“Me neither, Buck.”

“Things are…better, now she’s here,” Bucky’s eyes met Steve’s in a sad smile.

“Yeah, I know, I feel the same way,” Steve confessed.

“She makes me want to be me again,” Bucky continued softly, putting a knot in Steve’s stomach,” She makes me want to live again, experience things I thought I’d never want or need again but now…and it’s not just with her but…with you too.”

“Yeah,” Steve whispered, suddenly feeling the weight of Bucky’s eyes on him and struggling to find words.

He just wanted to pull Bucky close, bury his face into Bucky’s hair and breathe him in, hold him for as long as Bucky would allow him.

There was so much they needed to talk about, the dance, the kiss. Did Bucky even realize half how much that kiss meant to Steve? Or was it just a kiss to him, given while they were both high on disco and each other and a little drunk on all the stories from the past they’d been sharing that night? Combined with the actual booze of course.

Bucky broke eye contact first and Steve almost felt disappointed.

“Where is she?” Bucky then asked.

****

It was a perfect summer night and all three of you spent most of it sitting on the balcony. You and Bucky had taken all the pillows and spread them out onto the ground, an old blanket in the middle to put down all the food.

After that night there would never be another argument about who was the best cook in the house, it was Steve, hands down.

For about an hour neither of you really talked, too focussed on enjoying the pasta and the three different sauces Steve had managed to whip up in the kitchen. All those hours of watching Masterchef had clearly paid off.

When all the food was gone Steve was the one to pick up the conversation, talking about everything and nothing at the same time. He was so obviously doing his utter best to take your mind off Brock, you couldn’t be more thankful for it.   
It was working too but after a few hours you couldn’t help but notice Bucky had been quiet for most of the night and he was keeping his distance from you.

You couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad and you didn’t want to ask. If Bucky needed space and didn’t feel like talking tonight then you accepted it, you always did. You knew he still had those quiet days from time to time and you would never push him to talk unless he wanted to.

It was Bucky himself who broke the silence between you two later that night while Steve had gone back inside to put away all the empty dishes,“ So what’s your next step?”

“My next step?” you asked.

“Yes, he knows where you are now, what are you gonna do?”

Bucky’s question came out so blunt and direct it shook you for a moment, because it was not something you expected to hear from Bucky. 

It also wasn’t something you’d allowed yourself to think about yet.

“What can I do, Bucky?” you finally answered in a defeated sigh.

“You could leave and start over someplace else, far away from here, far away from us.”

His voice nearly broke on those last words and you instinctively wanted to reach out and grab his hand when you realized he was still sitting on the other side of the blanket and too far for you to reach.

“I don’t…” you swallowed the rest of your words, not sure what you wanted to say to him.

“You promised me you wouldn’t leave,” he then spoke and his eyes met yours,” Do you remember that? You promised. But…I would understand if you did.”

The pained expression on Bucky’s face broke your heart. You moved closer to him but Bucky was quick to stand up and step away from you.

“I’ll understand, okay,” he repeated,” just…don’t stall.”

You were both standing now and just looking at each other.

“Don’t drag out that decision,” he repeated,” If you’re gonna leave us just fucking do it now and get it over with.”

“Bucky,” you sighed.

You wanted to take his hand but flinched when he pulled away in anger. “Don’t touch me.”

His words hurt more than you expected and more than you would ever admit to yourself. You just nodded your head and moved towards the door to step back inside when Steve opened it, an unsuspecting smile on his face. “Do you guys want dessert?”

His smile faded quickly, both you and Bucky were on the verge of tears and Bucky looked angrier than Steve had seen him in a long time.

“What did I miss?” Steve sighed.

“Nothing,” Bucky snapped and moved past you and Steve without looking at either of you. When Steve tried to grab Bucky’s arm he was shoved aside pretty roughly as Bucky made his way through he door and back into the apartment.

Steve’s eyes turned to you.

“What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” you tried to hold back your tears and made your way towards the door too.

Steve carefully put his hands on your waist and turned you towards him,” What happened?”

For a moment you allowed yourself to lean into him and put your hands on his chest but then you pushed him back,” I don’t wanna talk about it, Steve.”

“Okay, fine, you don’t have to, just…don’t push me away,” he begged.

“I need to be alone for a while.”

“If you would just let me…”

“You can’t fix this, Steve,” you interrupted him and looked into his eyes,” Stop trying to fix everything.”

He sighed and avoided your eyes.

“Thank you for tonight,” you added in a softer tone,” It was exactly what I needed, but I need some space now.”

You stepped away and left him alone.

***

Steve closed the door of his bedroom behind him and leaned against it, replaying those last moments of the night over and over again in his head.

Bucky talking about you leaving, putting that fear so deep within him, then seeing the sadness in your eyes and the anger and frustration in Bucky’s, neither of you willing to let Steve in, making him feel more helpless than he was already feeling.

He closed his eyes and took a long deep breath.   
  
And just like that it all came crashing down on him. Steve sank down onto the floor, buried his face into his hands and finally gave into the tears that had been building for months now.   
It wasn’t a silent cry this time, the sobs were hard and made his entire body shake.

He no longer cared about being strong. Right now he just wanted someone to put their arms around him and tell him everything would be alright, that they didn’t blame him for being weak just this once, that they still loved him and none of it was his fault.

But those words weren’t spoken, the only sound that filled Steve’s room that night was the sound of his own tears.

He cried for Bucky, he cried for you, and for the first time in years he also cried for himself.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Steve finally gets hugged and you finally make a very important decision.
> 
> Lots of fluff and angst. And Stucky feels.
> 
> And some good news: the smut is almost here! (probably in the next chapter)

You stared into your cornflakes, watching them dance around in the milk as you stirred. You weren’t hungry and the kitchen was too quiet this morning.   
  
Every night this week has had the same pattern: you’d sleep for a couple of hours and spend the rest of it lying awake, replaying Bucky’s words in your head.

_He knows where you are now, what are you gonna do?_

You’d been asking yourself that question for days now. What _were_ you going to do?

In the past you never hesitated, every time Brock came too close you simply packed all your stuff into your car and took off without looking back. Onto a fresh start in a new city, hoping that maybe this time he wouldn’t come after you and you’d be safe, or at least for a little while.

You should do the same right now, just pack up and go, don’t hesitate.  
But things were different now, you had an actual place to stay and people who cared for you. People you cared for.

Leaving wasn’t so easy this time around.

“Morning,” Bucky strolled into the kitchen, his hair and half of his face hidden under the hood of his jacket.  
  
His tone was cold and his eyes were dark around the edges, making it more than obvious you weren’t the only one who wasn’t getting any sleep at night.

“You ready?” he asked.

“Bucky, you can go back to bed, I can take the subway on my own, it’s fine.”

He raised his eye brow at you and shook his head.

“It’s rush hour, it’s crowded out now,” you added in an attempt to convince him,”there’s way too many people for Brock to get close, I’ll be fine.”  
  
“Not a fucking chance, babe, I promised I’d take you to work every morning and I’m not one to break my promises, unlike some people.”

You sighed at his last words.

You hadn’t forgotten the promise you made to Bucky during your first weeks here. You’d promised him you’d stay no matter what and now it looked like you may have to break that promise.   
Of course Bucky was angry, he had every right to be, but that didn’t make this whole cold, silent treatment he gave you any easier to deal with.  
  
“Bucky,” you sighed,” Can we just…talk, please?”

“No,” he simply denied your request and opened the front door while looking at you,“Come on, I haven’t got all day.”

You grunted but took your bag and coat and followed him without any more protest or attempt to talk to him.

***

Bucky dropped you off and waited until you were safely inside the restaurant. After your shift he waited for you outside just like he promised.

He barely greeted you. You hadn’t received a smile or anything even resembling the slightest bit of a real conversation from him all week. He acted as if he was your personal bodyguard accompanying you home, not your friend.

You couldn’t really blame him for feeling the way he felt, he was only bracing himself for what was to come, trying to protect himself and his feelings.   
  
In his mind you had already left.

The walk home that night was particularly quiet, you were nearing the apartment when you finally lost your patience and decided to try one last time,“Bucky, can we please talk?”

“No,” he denied your request, again, and just kept walking.

You sighed deeply,“ Fine, I’ll do the talking then and you just listen. I know why you’re acting this way and I want you to know I understand, okay, I don’t blame you, I just need you to know…I don’t want to leave, I love living with you and Steve, leaving you guys is the absolute last thing I want.”

“So you’re staying then?” he asked.

“I…I didn’t say that.”

“That’s what I thought,” Bucky whispered and he took up his pace, making it hard for you to follow him.

You stayed behind him for a little while, not trying to start up a conversation again. If Steve had taught you anything it was that Bucky was the most stubborn person you would ever meet and if he was in a mood like this there wasn’t a damn thing you could do to change it.  
You’d just have to deal with it until he let you in again, or until you made your final decision.

You weren’t really paying attention where you were going when a small group of people passed by you and Bucky.   
One of them, a tall man wearing a black hoodie, bumped into you and put his hands on your arms in the process.

Before you even realized what happened Bucky had pulled the guy off you and was aggressively pushing him down onto the ground. Bucky’s flesh hand was wrapped around the guy’s throat while his prosthetic one was hanging in the air ready to punch him in the face.

“I’m sorry,” the guy pleaded in fear,” I’m so sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going, please don’t hurt me!”

Bucky’s face was twisted in anger, his jaw tense, teeth clenched and a fire in his eyes you hadn’t seen there before while he held the man in his grip.

“Bucky,” you carefully placed your hand on his shoulder, trying to grab his attention without startling him,”It’s not Brock, it’s okay.”

Bucky looked at you but his eyes were unfocussed and he wasn’t releasing the guy from his firm grip.  
  
”He’s just a kid, look,” you urged him.

It took a moment for Bucky to register your words and realize the guy he was holding was just a teenager who was now looking at Bucky in genuine fear while trying to shield his face from Bucky’s gloved hand.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” Bucky stuttered and let the boy go. He ran in the opposite direction, trying to get away from you and Bucky as fast as he could.

For a few moments Bucky just stood there, staring out in front of him, looking dazed and confused and about one second away from a panic attack.

You placed your hand on his chest and pushed softly, trying to pull him out of his thoughts and back into the present with you.

“Hey, Bucky, it’s okay,” you reassured him in a calm voice,” he just bumped into me that’s all, it was an accident.”  
  
Bucky’s hands were shaking and you noticed his eyes started to tear up.

“Please, breathe with me,” you spoke calmly while placing your other hand on his stomach,”Nothing happened, I’m okay, see?”

For the first time that night Bucky actually looked at you and it seemed to break all his defenses.

With a quiet sob he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and pulled you against his chest, hugging you tight, his fingers tangled into your hair and his forehead pressed against yours.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered,” I’m so sorry.”

“Bucky, nothing happened,” you reassured him again and hugged him back,”It wasn’t him.”

“But it could have been,” Bucky objected, angry at himself,”I was so caught up in my own head I wasn’t even paying attention, I was being so fucking selfish and I’m so sorry.”

“I understand, James, it’s okay,” you whispered and you softly nuzzled his cheek,”I understand.”

He leaned into your touch and closed his eyes. “I just can’t bear the thought of losing you,” he then confessed softly.

“You haven’t lost me yet, okay,” you tried to comfort him knowing your words weren’t enough but Bucky nodded his head and accepted them anyway, suddenly willing to hold onto every last bit of hope you would grant him.

He hugged you a little while longer before he pulled away and stepped back, running his hands through his hair and staring at the ground with a little blush on his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated,” I’m sorry for everything.”

You surprised him by slapping him on the shoulder. “You realize you just broke our house rule like five times in 10 minutes,” you pointed out, making him smile.

“Yeah, I’m…sorry.”

You both laughed and he looked up to meet your eyes,”Let’s get you home.”

***

Despite the feeling that things were better between you and Bucky after that intense hug, he still took his distance from you as soon as you got home, spending the rest of the night in the library while you were by yourself in the living room.

You had dinner alone in front of the tv, not really paying attention to what was playing, Masterchef was a lot less interesting without Steve’s witty and passionate comments.  
  
Things hadn’t just been tense between you and Bucky this week, Steve’s spot on the couch had stayed empty every night.   
Bucky had assured you he was just very busy at work and doing some overtime but you knew it was just an excuse not to have to spend time with you and it hurt. You missed Steve more than you could put into words, his warm presence, his laugh, not to mention his hugs and easy conversations. This couch felt too big for you alone.

You moved over to his side and grabbed one of the pillows to hug when you noticed his notebook tucked into the side of the couch. 

You hadn’t meant to look but when you tried to take it out to put it back in its usual spot on the table it slipped from your hands and fell down onto the ground. You should have just grabbed the book and closed it but the image that was staring back at you was too powerful.   
  
It was Bucky, looking right at you with the most gorgeous smile on his face. It was him, right down to every line in his face and every strand of his hair. His plumb lips and soft eyes as if he was standing right before you close enough to touch. It was a perfect portrait but it was more than that, you could actually sense Bucky’s emotions through the drawing. The peace and genuine joy he seemed to feel in that moment but also the sadness buried just underneath it.

Steve Rogers was a goddamn liar, this wasn’t just a sketch, it was a work of art and you couldn’t stop staring at it.  
  
You reached for the notebook and put it in your lap. It was stronger than yourself now, you had to look. Against your better judgment you started browsing the pages.

Every single one of them was Bucky, most of them just close ups of his face, looking happy, or sad, or staring out into the distance.   
Others were Bucky doing day to day stuff. Bucky standing behind the stove in the kitchen wearing only black boxers with his hair tied into a messy bun. Bucky sitting on the balcony in his sweatpants leaned back into the cushions with a cheeky relaxed grin on his face. Bucky reading in one of the lounge stairs in the library covered with a blanket, his face all serious and concentrated. Bucky sleeping peacefully in Steve’s bed hugging his pillow.

Your heart completely melted. If there had been any doubts about Steve’s love for Bucky these drawings destroyed every last single one of them. Steve’s feelings for Bucky practically jumped off every page.

It was the only thing Steve drew, the only thing that brought him peace and managed to quiet his mind.   
Of course it was Bucky, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to you.  
  
You kept on turning pages, pushing aside the feeling of guilt at invading Steve’s privacy like this, when suddenly you were staring at another, very familiar, face. One that made your heart stop.

It was you.

Steve had drawn you, sitting on the couch one evening, your hair messy and a warm, shy smile on your lips. And a light in your eyes you never even remembered being there.

Your sketch wasn’t drawn with the same intensity as the ones of Bucky, but there was a warmth there that was unmistakeable, a fondness and a hint of mystery around the subject Steve drew here.   
The woman in the drawing looked a lot more beautiful than you.   
You realized this wasn’t because Steve was unable to draw your perfect portrait, it’s because that’s how Steve saw you. 

He saw the most beautiful version of yourself, a version that had been gone for so many years you had forgotten what she looked like.

You hugged your pillow tighter and slowly but uncontrollably your tears started to fall.

You sat there in silence for a long time, just holding onto the notebook and all the love you found locked in there.

How in the world would you ever be able to leave this behind? Or leave behind the man who created this? The man who saw you for who you were.

***

Steve was laying awake, he’d been laying awake every night this past week, deliberately taking on more hours at work, volunteering to help Sam wherever he could, anything to avoid being in the apartment and around you and Bucky.

He hadn’t cried anymore since that night but he felt like he would break again at the slightest trigger, as if opening himself up to his own grief had now opened a door to only more tears and if he gave into it again now it may never stop.

So he kept himself busy and distracted.

It was these quiet moments at night that were the hardest, where his mind was free to run into every direction it chose, especially the ones he didn’t want it to go.

The knock on the door was soft and a little hesitant.

Steve didn’t reply immediately, thinking maybe if he didn’t react whoever was at his door would just go away.

But then he heard Bucky’s soft voice,” Stevie, are you awake?”

“Yeah,” Steve answered,”Yeah, I’m awake, Buck.”

The door opened slowly and Bucky stepped in, wearing nothing but his boxers and a white t-shirt.

“Is everything okay?” Steve asked, worry clouding his mind instantly,”Did you have a nightmare?”

“I’m fine,” Bucky reassured him and he moved closer to Steve’s bed until he was standing right at the edge looking down on Steve.

“What do you need, Buck?” Steve sat up straight to look Bucky in the eyes.

Bucky sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping his eyes on Steve,”I don’t need anything. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Steve’s answer came too quickly, as if on autopilot, someone asked how he was and he was fine, he was always fine.

But Bucky wasn’t accepting that answer tonight,” I’m asking again, are you okay, Stevie?”

Steve nodded his head but for some reason this time he couldn’t repeat those same words, not with Bucky looking at him like that.

Steve looked away and opened his mouth to speak but the only sound that came out was a quiet sob before he burst out in tears.

“I’m fine, go away,” Steve cried, quickly turning his back to Bucky, trying to hide his tears which was of course a futile attempt at this point. His entire upper body was shaking and Steve cursed himself for not being able to stop it.

He was supposed to be the strong one, the one that held it together no matter how hard it got, the one Bucky could always rely on, his rock, not this weak version of himself.

Bucky wasn’t supposed to see this version.

Steve just wanted Bucky to go, leave him alone in his misery and then forget he ever saw this but Bucky did the opposite. He moved closer to Steve on the bed and the next thing Steve knew Bucky put his arm around Steve’s waist and hugged him from behind, wrapping his entire body around Steve’s and pressing his face into Steve’s neck.

“I got you,” Bucky whispered,” You can let go now.”

It was all Steve needed to hear and he gave into his tears. Bucky held onto him with a force that made Steve cry even harder.

“It’s okay,” Bucky whispered into his ear,”It’s okay, let it out, let it all out, I got you, baby.”

And just like that Steve no longer cared about any of it.

With Bucky’s strong body wrapped around his, like an anchor holding him above water, suddenly it was okay to cry, and it was okay to be the weak one and it didn’t feel nearly as scary as Steve always imagined it would.   
  
In fact it was the easiest thing in the world, leaning on Bucky, because Steve knew with all his heart Bucky would never let him go, no matter how ugly his tears were or how weak he felt. Bucky was here, he would always be here.  
  
They sat like that for over an hour, Steve crying and Bucky hugging him through every single tear until finally it stopped.   
Even after Steve’s tears had faded Bucky kept hugging him.

“Buck,” Steve whispered after a while, his voice hoarse from crying.

“Shh, come here,” Bucky gently turned him around so they were facing each other.

The sight of Steve’s beautiful face all marked by tears nearly broke Bucky’s heart and he cupped Steve’s cheek with his warm hand. Steve leaned into his touch and closed his eyes for a while before lowering his head onto Bucky’s chest.

Bucky gently stroked his fingers through Steve’s hair and kissed his forehead.

“I knew it,” Bucky then spoke softly,”I fucking knew you were having a hard time, why didn’t you come to me, huh?”

“Didn’t wanna worry you,” Steve mumbled into Bucky’s t-shirt.  
  
“Yeah, well I got news for you, pal, I worry about you anyway, so you may as well just be honest with me, alright. You don’t always gotta be the strong one, Steve.”

Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s waist and nuzzled his neck, nodding his head.

Bucky hugged him close again. “You held me through so many nightmares, what made you think I wouldn’t do the same for you?”

“I don’t know,” Steve whispered,” I just…I didn’t want you to have to deal with this.“

“Hey, look at me, you little punk,” Bucky lifted Steve’s chin with his thumb, forcing him to look into his eyes.

The sharp tone in Bucky’s voice was a contrast to the softness and warmth in his eyes and it shook Steve for a second.

“I love you, you know that, right?” Bucky whispered and he brought his hand up to cup Steve’s cheek again and gently caressed his face.  
Steve shivered and leaned into Bucky’s touch.

“I love you too,” Steve then whispered and he leaned his forehead against Bucky’s and closed his eyes.

“Next time you feel low you knock on my door, you got that?” Bucky spoke softly but firmly, letting Steve know he meant it.

Steve nodded his head. “Stay,” he then whispered,”Stay the night with me. Please?”

Bucky didn’t say a word but he took Steve’s hand and lowered them both down into the bed and under the covers. Steve cuddled up to him, Bucky’s arm wrapped around Steve’s shoulder, Steve’s leg curled over Bucky’s. Steve put his head down to rest on Bucky’s chest, listening to Bucky’s steady heartbeat while Bucky started playing with his hair.

“Like this?” Bucky whispered and he placed a soft kiss on Steve’s forehead.

“Yeah,” Steve purred and closed his eyes,” exactly like this.”

Steve couldn’t see Bucky’s face but he could feel Bucky’s lips curl up into a smile and he returned the favor, putting a soft kiss onto Bucky’s neck and letting his lips linger, soaking up Bucky’s smell and warmth.

“Get some sleep, Rogers,” Bucky whispered softly and kissed his forehead again.

***

Your night had been restless, much like the others this week, but at the same time completely different. 

Somewhere during this night you had made a decision, you weren’t sure if it was because of Bucky’s change in behavior towards you or the drawings in Steve’s notebook but something in your mind had clicked, like a switch had been flipped and you could see things clearly now.

This was your life, your only life, and Steve and Bucky were the best things to have happened in that life in a very, very long time. You weren’t going to give that up. Not for an idiot like Brock.  
He had stolen so much from you already, you weren’t going to let him take this too.

When you stepped into the kitchen after a long refreshing shower the next morning Steve and Bucky were already sitting at the kitchen counter, both of them looking up as soon as you walked in.

“Hey,” Steve gave you a little warm smile.

“How are you feeling, doll?” Bucky’s voice was soft.

“I’m okay,” you leaned against the kitchen counter in front of them,” I…um…I’ve made a decision.”

They both looked up at you, expectant but also scared to hear your next words.

“I’m not gonna run anymore,” you stated firmly,” I am done letting him control my life. I’m staying right here and if he wants to come after me then…well…I say let him.”

Steve and Bucky stared at you with open mouth for a few seconds before you noticed relief on both their faces.

“You know we can protect you,” Steve was the one to speak first,”If you want a confrontation with him me and Bucky can…”  
  
“No, I don’t want that,” you interrupted him,” I’m sick of being scared all the time, Steve, or having to look over my shoulder every time I walk down the street, and…I don’t want you guys to be my personal bodyguards every day.”

“We don’t mind,” Bucky spoke softly.

“I know you don’t mind, but…I mind,” you sighed deeply,”I don’t want you guys to protect me, I wanna be able to do that myself.”

Steve and Bucky looked at each other and then back to you.

“I know what you’re thinking,” you sighed.

“Even if you know how to defend yourself, I mean, even if we help you with that,” Steve said,”he’s still a six foot tall big ass man and you’re a gi…”

“Finish that sentence, I dare you,” you challenged him and gave him a look. Steve swallowed his last word and Bucky couldn’t help but smile.

“I just don’t want to feel helpless anymore,” you then added softly,”I want to be in control of my own life, for once. You’re both soldiers, you know how to fight, teach me.”

Steve was quiet but at least he wasn’t protesting anymore which you took as a good sign. You could see him thinking over your words.

“Help me get stronger,” you added,”Please.”

Steve nodded his head and then his lips curled into a smile,”Yeah, okay, we can do that.”

“Really?” you asked, surprised by the sudden change in his tone.

“I used to teach self defense classes at the VA,” he then explained,”I guess I could teach you some techniques that might be helpful.”

It was like a weight fell off your shoulders when you heard Steve’s words and tears of relief filled your eyes. You gave him a thankful smile.

“And I can help you work out,” Bucky added,” get your strength up.”

“That would be great,” you smiled.

“So, that means you’re staying with us?” Bucky asked.

“I’m staying,” you reassured him.

Bucky walked up to you and just pulled you into a tight hug.

“Best news I’ve heard all week,” he whispered before pulling back and kissing your cheek, after which he disappeared into the living room, leaving you alone with Steve who was still sitting in his seat.

“I’m sorry for worrying you guys,” you spoke softly,” It wasn’t very fair to you at all. And I’m sorry for being so stuck in my own head this past week, I pushed you away and it was the last thing I wanted.”

“You didn’t push me away,” Steve admitted,” I pulled back from you, after you told me I could always be honest with you. I was the one who wasn’t fair to you.”

Your eyes met his and you nodded your head. “So we’re even then?” you asked.

Steve stood from his chair and gave you a little smile,”Yeah, we’re even.”

“Steve, I just want…”

You were unable to finish that sentence because Steve shut you up with a kiss.

A kiss so passionate and intense it completely swept you off your feet.

Steve’s strong arm snaked around your waist, keeping you up while his other hand grabbed your neck and he deepened the kiss. You moaned into his mouth, which only spurred him on to keep kissing you, his tongue melting with yours and his breath heavy on your lips.   
Your body completely surrendered to his and he pressed up against you, making you feel his growing erection.

You were both so completely lost in each other you forgot Bucky was in the next room until he let out a loud, very deliberate cough, making you and Steve break up.

Steve bit his lip and looked away from you with a blush on his cheeks.

Bucky looked at you both with the biggest smirk on his face,” I’d hate to cock block you, Rogers, but if I don’t walk her to work in the next 5 minutes she’s going to be late. And I hope for her sake you need more than 5 minutes to finish this.”

“Bucky!” you and Steve both yelled out in shock, Steve giving him an angry look while you burst out laughing.

“What?” Bucky lifted his hands in feigned innocence and handed you your jacket and purse,”Let’s go, doll.”

You gave him an affectionate smile and put on your jacket but not before turning back to Steve and giving him another soft kiss on his lips.

“Thank you,” you whispered, and then you turned around to look at Bucky,”Both of you. I’ve never had a place where I could be myself and still be accepted and loved for exactly who I was. This is home, I’m home, and nothing in this world will ever make me wanna leave again.”

You’d meant every single one of those last words at the time, there was no way for you to know how wrong you were, or how your relationship with both Steve and Bucky was about to change forever.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Orgasms! Finally!
> 
> You realize you’re in love with both Steve and Bucky and you struggle to adjust to this new situation.
> 
> The smut is mild and quick but I’ll tag this chapter 18+ anyway for some explicit language and dry humping. 
> 
> Warning: mention of self-harm. (We’re not done with the angst yet, guys.)

“Don’t hold back.”

“I’m not.”

“I can physically feel you holding back, doll.”

“I’m not!” you insisted.

Bucky lowered his hands and raised his eyes brow. “If we’re going to help you we need to find your strength, now hit me harder.”

You were both standing in the gym at the top floor of the apartment building. Bucky was wearing grey sweatpants and a t-shirt, you were only wearing shorts and a loose top and small boxing gloves on your hands. 

So far Bucky hadn’t even flinched and had easily blocked every punch you threw it him.

“You never told me you and Steve had a private gym,” you remarked, trying to make him drop the subject. You were so  _not_ holding back.

“It’s not ours,” Bucky explained,” It’s a shared gym for the entire building, but since all the other tenants are retired and old me and Steve are the only ones that ever come here. Stop trying to distract me, focus.”

“I am focussed.”

“If I was Brock standing before you right now what would you do? Where would you want to hit him?”

“I’d wanna put my foot in his balls, but I can’t exactly try that with you, can I?” you sighed frustrated and started taking off your gloves.

“Fine,” Bucky tried to sound strict but was unable to hide the little smirk on his face,” we’ll take a break and get you back on the treadmill after.”

“Oh, lovely,” you sighed sarcastically.

You had learned something after 3 days of training: Bucky Barnes was a fucking bully in the gym. 

As soon as you set foot through that door sweet, lovable Bucky disappeared and was taken over by personal trainer Barnes, who was a strict, hard smart-ass who showed you no mercy.   
He worked you hard and just when you thought you reached the end of your rope he pushed you a little further.

Part of you was thankful but another part of you actually wanted to put your foot in his balls.

After a ten minute break he made you run, do push ups and lift weights until you begged him to stop.

After your workout session you were both sitting on the ground, leaned against the wall and covered in sweat.   
Bucky was giving it his all too, he wasn’t just telling you what exercises to do, he was actually doing them all with you and when you watched him wipe his forehead and try to catch his breath you were suddenly overcome with gratitude.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier,” you sighed softly,”I really do appreciate all your help, Bucky, I know I don’t always show it. I just get snappy when I fail at something.”

He gave you a warm, sweet smile,”You’re not failing, we’ll get you there. You’re doing really well.”

He wiped the last bit of sweat off his forehead with his t-shirt and then, without thinking, took off his prosthetic arm and pulled his shirt over his head, exposing his naked chest and shoulders. He didn’t realize until he saw you staring at him.

He always wore a t-shirt around the house, his shoulder was always covered up, you had never actually seen him shirtless. The sight of his scars took your breath away.

You couldn’t quite explain it, why seeing him like this suddenly put a lump in your throat, confronted you with something you’d always known was there but at the same time you just never paid any attention to anymore.

Bucky was always just Bucky to you, not the guy with one arm. But the way he sat before you right now, bare chested, avoiding your eyes and nervously scratching his stomach with his good hand, embarrassed to have you look at him, it broke your heart. You’d never seen him look more vulnerable than he did in that moment.

“Bucky,” you whispered in shock.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly grabbed his shirt again,”I’ll put it back on, I wasn’t thinking, I’m…”

“No,” you grabbed the shirt to stop him and looked into his eyes,”Please leave it off.”

“I don’t…”

“It’s okay,” you reassured him and you moved closer until you sat right in front of him, you kept your eyes on his for a little while, trying to convince him of your words,” It’s okay, Bucky.”

You carefully lifted your hand and brought it up to his shoulder.

“Can I?” you asked softly.

He didn’t look at you but nodded his head.

You gently placed your hand on his shoulder and then let your fingers sink down to touch the soft skin underneath it, where his arm used to be. Bucky shivered.

“Does it hurt?” you asked softly.

“Not anymore,” he whispered.

You continued to caress the scar tissue, letting your fingers run up and down over the soft skin until you noticed a tear run down Bucky’s cheek.

You instantly pulled your hand off him,” I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he held in a sob,” You don’t have to apologize, I just didn’t want you to see this part of me…the ugly part.”

“What ugly part? Bucky, you’re beautiful,” you spoke softly and let your eyes meet his,” Every single part of you is beautiful.”

He shook his head and frowned,”Don’t say that, I’m not. I’m not even…I’m missing a piece, I’m not even whole.”

“You are whole, these scars don’t define who you are. You are beautiful, Bucky, inside and out.”

He was still firmly shaking his head, unaccepting of your words.

“Bucky,” you sighed and bit your lip, trying to hold in your own tears now and be strong enough to do what you were about to do,” Look at me.”

Bucky did as you asked and met your eyes.

“Scars don’t define who you are,” you slowly lifted your top, revealing your stomach to him.

His breath hitched when he saw all the cuts on your skin. Cuts made by your own hand, not Brock’s, you couldn’t blame these on him.   
Well, in truth you probably could since he was the reason you started cutting, but you were still the one holding the razor blades and pushing them into your own skin.

“Do these define me?” you asked and your voice broke,”Are these _my_ ugly parts, Buck?”

Bucky was with you in a second, his hand cupping your cheek and his forehead pressed against yours. “No, god no,” he whispered and pulled you in for a hug. You melted against him, wrapping your arms around his waist.

“You’re so beautiful,” he then whispered and he kissed your forehead,” You’re so beautiful, Y/N, everything about you is perfect and…exactly the way it should be.”

You smiled against his neck,” You get it then?”

He nodded his head and his fingers made their way underneath your top, gently caressing your stomach, touching your scars the way you touched his, while he locked eyes with you. His gaze so soft and loving it made your heart melt.

For a moment you both just stared at each other. Bucky was sitting so close, his legs placed around your body and his face only inches away from yours, his fingers warm and soft on your skin.

Your heart was suddenly beating very fast.

You couldn’t really remember who initiated what, only that seconds later you found yourself sitting in his lap. Bucky’s hand tangled in your hair and his lips on yours, kissing you deeply and without any inhibitions this time.   
  
His mouth fit yours so perfectly and you leaned into him, kissing him back as if his kiss could breathe life into you. You swallowed every whimper and every quiet moan that escaped his beautiful lips.

“Bucky,” you whispered heavily.

He pulled you closer and you straddled him, your hands moving over his stomach, feeling the firm muscle under your fingers. 

Bucky was still kissing you, moving his mouth from your lips to your neck and licking his way up. When he moaned into your ear your body acted on instinct and you rolled your hips against him.   
Bucky whimpered in response and you could feel his erection growing against your inner thigh. 

Your entire body felt like it was on fire, you couldn’t stop touching him.

Bucky’s hand sank down to cup your ass, encouraging you, guiding your movements and dragging you up and down his length.

“Oh god,” you breathed.

The friction you both created was almost too intense, if he kept grinding up against you like this you knew he’d push you over the edge and by the sound of his moans he was very close himself. Your shorts were already soaked and you were both breathing heavily now. 

Bucky’s breath hot on your neck, his hand now on your shoulder, trying to hold you down on him. His cock was now fully hard in his sweatpants and his hips were jerking uncontrollably, chasing that same release you were seeking.

“Bucky,” you bit your lip, trying to swallow your moans,”Bucky…I’m…”

He pulled your hair and moaned into your ear, his voice a deep and needy growl,”Don’t stop, don’t stop, _don’t stop_.”

You bit down on his shoulder when your orgasm washed over you. Bucky’s entire body tensed underneath yours and then, finally, he let go and whimpered against your neck. You could feel the sudden wet patch on his sweatpants.

“Fuck,” he breathed,” Oh god fuck.”

You hugged him close. His hand moved down to your ass, still guiding you while he let you ride out the last of your orgasm.

You stayed on his lap for several more minutes, holding onto him and waiting until you were both capable of breathing normally again.

“I’m so sorry,” Bucky mumbled against your neck after a while,”That was embarrassingly quick. It’s…it’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” you smiled softly,” been a while for me too.”

You looked at each other and Bucky carefully put a few locks of hair behind your ear, the gesture so loving and gentle. You leaned in and put a soft kiss on his lips, gaining a smile from him.

“Are you okay? You’re not sorry this happened?” there was genuine concern on his face.

You quickly shook your head to reassure him,”I’m not sorry. You?”

“Oh no, not for a second,” he smiled.

You both stared at each other for a little while before he helped you move from his lap.

“This counts as another workout, right?” you joked,”We’re done for the rest of the day now?”

The sound of Bucky’s laughter in your ears was almost as good as the sound of his moans.

****

Steve was standing in the kitchen when you and Bucky walked back into the apartment. It didn’t take a genius to see something had happened between you two. Bucky’s hair was disheveled and he had to cover up the front of his pants with a towel, plus you were both blushing like crazy and Steve quickly figured out it wasn’t from the workout.

“Gotta shower,” Bucky just mumbled as he rushed through the kitchen into the hallway. 

You stayed with Steve and when you looked at him there was a little grin on his face.

“Well, this is an interesting development,” he noticed.

“What is?” you acted all innocent.

“Something happened, didn’t it?” Steve leaned against the kitchen counter and locked eyes with you.   
It wasn’t meant to be a question, he already knew he was right. 

How the hell did he do that? He could always read Bucky like an open book and he was quickly figuring out how to do the same with you.

“Define _something_ ,” you teased.

“You and Bucky.”

“It’s not what you think,” you protested,”I mean, it’s probably not what you think.”

“What am I thinking?”

“We didn’t…”

“You kissed?” Steve helped you out of your words.

“Yeah, a little more than that.”

Steve’s eyes widened in shock. 

“We didn’t…not technically,” you explained.

“Okay, I don’t think I want more details.”

“Hey,” you asked softly while you placed yourself in front of him, your hands on his chest,”Are we okay? Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded,”I just want you to be happy.”

You smiled thankfully.

“If you want…if you need me to step back just tell me, okay,” Steve spoke softly while putting one hand on your waist,” If whatever’s happening between us is not what you need right now that’s okay. If you need Bucky I will…I just want you both to be happy.”

Your heart sank at the sincerity in his eyes, he really would put his own happiness aside for yours and Bucky’s, instantly and without even questioning it.

“What about you and Bucky?” you threw the question back at him,” You guys have a lot of unresolved issues, maybe I should be the one to step back.”

Steve immediately shook his head,” Me and Bucky are…I don’t know what we are but not that. You make him happy, I’d never want to come between that.”

You nodded your head and carefully took Steve’s hand, you placed it over your heart,” You feel that?”

“It’s going pretty fast,” he noticed.

“It always does that when I’m this close to you.”

Steve couldn’t help but smirk at your words.

“I need Bucky but…I need you too,” you then whispered,”Is that completely selfish of me?”

“Maybe,” Steve smiled,”but I’m glad to hear you say it anyway.”

He stepped closer to you and put his hands on your waist to pull you closer. Neither of you hesitated, Steve kissed you softly and you wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him back.

****

Bucky let the hot water of the shower wash over him, erasing the last evidence of what happened in the gym. He was unable to keep the smile off his face, just remembering how you looked when you were in his lap, the sounds you made when your orgasm hit was enough to make him half hard again. 

This was new.

It wasn’t unusual for him to wake up with a hard-on, it also wasn’t uncommon for him to masturbate in the shower but it served more as a form of stress relief for him rather than a sexual need. 

He hadn’t been sexually attracted to anyone in years, his mind hadn’t even allowed himself to go there. He wasn’t in a state to even form friendships, let alone relationships. 

He just didn’t trust anyone enough to let himself to be that vulnerable and intimate with another person. 

But somehow you made it so easy, you tore down all his walls without even really trying. Maybe it was because he saw so much of himself in you, he knew you would never judge, your pieces were just as broken as his so he didn’t have to pretend. He could just be Bucky with you.

It was the first time in years he had been able to really let go like that, get lost in the moment and out of his own mind. He could already feel the pull, how easily this could become addictive, you could become addictive. 

It hadn’t even been a few hours and he already wanted you again, wanted to open up to you more, explore, see how far you’d let him take you.

But however easy today had been, he knew not every day would be like this, and he fully realized he wasn’t the only one in the house that struggled with physical intimacy.

You’d both need a lot of time and patience with each other, but those were two things Bucky happened to have plenty of.

He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, took his time to dry off and put fresh clothes on. He put his hair into a ponytail and headed back towards the living room, where he found you and Steve behind the stove.

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Steve declared without looking up.

Bucky nodded but his attention was already on you and he stepped closer.

His eyes met yours in a nervous little smile until you grabbed his hand and pulled him towards you. He leaned in to kiss you, going for your lips but changing his mind at the last second. He softly kissed your cheek.

“Hey, don’t hold back on my account,” Steve smirked, making you smile and Bucky blush.

“You told him?” Bucky asked.

“There are no secrets in this house, no?” you pointed out.

Bucky nodded his head and smiled before nervously looking up at Steve.

“He sort of guessed anyway,” you added.

“It’s okay, Buck, don’t worry about it,” Steve reassured him.

Bucky sighed relieved and stepped over to Steve, putting a hand on his shoulder, not saying a word but the firm squeeze of his hand told Steve everything he needed to know.

You leaned back against the kitchen counter and looked at both of them, Steve turning over the meat in the pan while Bucky reached into the shelf next to him to grab the pasta, a soft smile on both their lips as Steve nudged Bucky’s shoulders with his.

Thinking back over the last few weeks, and today, the realization hit you hard and physically took your breath away for a moment. 

You were completely, head over heels crazy in love with both of them. And in way over your head.

“I don’t know how to do this,” you suddenly panicked, making both men turn their heads towards you.

“Do what, babe?” Steve asked.

“Be with both of you, love you both equally,” you spoke softly and from your heart,"This is not…I don’t want to hurt either of you, and I don’t even know what I want or what I can handle and I really don’t want to upset anyone…”

Steve walked up to you and shut you up with soft kiss on your lips.

“Shhh,” he whispered and then he cupped your face into his big hands and placed another soft kiss on your lips until he felt your body relax against his,  
”That’s better.”

“You really gotta stop doing that,” you whispered and leaned your forehead against his.

“What?” 

“Kissing me to shut me up.”

“Why? It’s working,” he grinned.

“A kiss can’t solve everything.”

Steve moved out of the way and let Bucky take his place, who placed his hand on your neck before leaning in and kissing you just as softly as Steve just had.   
  
Bucky’s skin was still hot from the shower and he smelled of vanilla and something fruity you couldn’t define. You shivered when his tongue brushed against yours and he deepened the kiss just a little before pulling away.

“Are you sure about that?” Bucky gave you the same smug smile Steve just had on his face. You had to admit defeat.

“You guys are so fucking unfair.”

Steve put his hand on your hip while Bucky kissed your forehead and you leaned into both of them and closed your eyes.

“Look, this is new for all of us,” Steve then spoke softly,” How about we just follow our hearts and see where that takes us? No secrets and no obligations. Just…do what feels right.”

“I like that idea,” Bucky smiled at Steve.

You nodded your head,” Okay.”

Dinner was relaxed and amicable, if you had any fears that things would be awkward between the three of you now the next two hours completely changed your mind. 

Bucky and Steve chatted the way they’ve always done, joked the way they always joked, everything just felt natural and you couldn’t be more relieved.

After the table had been cleaned and the dishes had been done, Bucky excused himself and disappeared onto the balcony. 

Steve turned off the lights in the kitchen,” I’m gonna head to bed, what do you wanna do?”

You opened your mouth to speak but hesitated. 

Did you go with Steve? Or did you follow Bucky? Or should you just go to your room alone and avoid having to choose at all? You were starting to panic again, _follow your heart_ was great advice in theory but what if your heart was as clueless as you were.   
  
Steve noticed your predicament.

“Hey,” he walked up to you and gently took your hand,”Don’t overthink this, there’s no wrong choice here.”

You smiled nervously. “Follow my heart, right? What if my heart is sending me in two different directions?”

Steve nodded and gave you a warm smile,”Just listen, what is it telling you to do right now, in this moment?”

“Right now, I guess…I really want to say goodnight to Bucky,” you answered honestly.

If Steve was in any way disappointed by your answer he didn’t show it, he just leaned in and placed a soft kiss on your cheek,”Then you know what to do, I’ll see you both in the morning.”

“Good night, Steve,” you wrapped your arms around his waist and gave him a hug before stepping into the hallway.

Steve watched you leave and sighed. He’d accepted this whole situation instantly and without even questioning it, there had been no pretending there. He just wanted all three of you to be happy and if this was how then he was on board. Hell, he’d be captain of the ship if this is what made you and Bucky genuinely happy.

Right now though he couldn’t help but feel that ugly sting of jealousy creeping in. 

It took him by surprise, especially the part where he wasn’t sure who he was most jealous of, you for being with Bucky, or Bucky for being with you.

It was in that moment Steve realized he was in love with both of you. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. “I’m so screwed.”

***

Bucky was sitting on the end of the balcony, his legs dangling over the side while he stared down onto the street. 

It was quiet and peaceful up here this time of night, even in the city that never sleeps. Bucky loved to watch the lights in all the other apartments across the street, take a peek into the lives of other, more normal, people and watch how they spent the last hours of their busy day before night fell.

It made him feel calm, and in a strange way connected to a world he often felt so distanced from. He still hating going outside and being among people but this, looking in from a distance while he was in his safe space and nobody could touch him, this was something he enjoyed.

“Hey,” you spoke softly, alerting him of your presence.

He looked up and smiled,” Hey.”

“Do you wanna be alone? I can go back inside.”

He shook his head,” No, please, stay and sit with me.”

“Okay,” you walked over and sat down on the balcony next to him.

His smile was gone and he was staring out in front of him, eyes unfocused and biting his lip nervously, his long dark hair softly blowing in the warm evening wind. 

His beauty would never cease to amaze you but right now what you noticed most was the emptiness in his eyes. His body was here but his mind was someplace else. 

You both just sat in silence for a while, there was no need for conversation, just being in each other’s company was enough and you wanted to leave Bucky alone with his thoughts. You knew he needed these quiet moments. 

After a while Bucky reached for your hand, he laced his fingers with yours and you let his eyes lock with yours.

“Are you okay?” you asked, sensing the shift in his mood from earlier that night.

“I’m okay,” he reassured you,”I just…I want to talk to you but it’s not an easy subject. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, or ruin a beautiful night.”

“Whatever you want to talk about, I’m here, Bucky,” you squeezed his hand.

He avoided looking at you for a moment while he nodded his head,”Okay.”

You waited for him to talk again, not wanting to rush him or put any pressure on him until he was ready to continue.

“I want to talk about the war,” he then said in a shaky voice,”I want to talk about what happened to me, and…how I lost my arm.”

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: Bucky finally opens up to you about what happened to him during the war and how he lost his arm.
> 
> Warnings: mentions of death, pretty graphic description of self harm and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> There’s no way around it, this chapter is angst central again. But I tried to make it up with a little Stucky fluff and no cliffhanger ending, to ease the pain ;)

The sounds of the city down below suddenly seemed a world away, all you could focus on right now was Bucky and the silence between you two felt heavy.   
  
He sighed deeply, working up the nerve to continue. It was one thing to decide to talk to you but it was another to actually open up his mouth and start speaking the words, he was nervous.   
  
You still held his hand in yours and you squeezed softly. “Hey, it’s okay,” you whispered,” I’m here, take all the time you need.”

“Okay,” he bit his lip before nodding his head, forcing himself to focus and push his emotions aside,” Okay.”

You waited for him to continue, letting him know he could set the pace of this conversation and you wouldn’t push him. This was Bucky’s story and you wanted to let him tell you on his terms, without any pressure or interruptions.

“I didn’t actively plan on joining the army, it just kind of came on my path,” Bucky started,” After college and some temp jobs I was at a loss on what I wanted to do with my life. I visited a couple job fairs around the city, just looking around and weighing my options. There was a group of soldiers there and we started talking. I didn’t intend on following up but…the idea kept popping into my head weeks and even months later. Did I want to go back to that 9 to 5 desk job and see my entire future planned out for me or…do I want to do something that actually matters?”

You smiled.

“So I called Steve, I knew he’d joined the army straight after college so it seemed like a good place to start. We met for drinks and talked and he of course told me to take the desk job,” Bucky smiled at the memory before he continued,” But as always good advice was wasted on me. So I signed up anyway, a year later we were both camped out in a small town in the middle of Afghanistan. We’d only been shipped out for three weeks, barely seen any action when it happened. It was a Wednesday morning…I remember because that was the last time in over 2 years I’d actually know what day it was, everything after that was…a blur.”

You felt cold chills run up your arms.

“Anyway,” Bucky continued, not wanting to slow down now that he had found the courage to talk,” a bunch of our unit were off on a mission, Steve was among them. Me, Dugan, Morita and two other guys hung back just to do some recon in the area.”

He took a deep breath. 

“It was just a simple recon mission. There was a small village, it wasn’t even a village it was just a few houses, close by where we were stationed. It was supposedly abandoned but we heard word there were several civilians hiding out. So we went to check it out, see if there were families there, kids, you know, people we could bring into safety. It was a war zone and they shouldn’t be there. It was just the five of us, we didn’t even have any backup in case something went wrong. We didn’t even think or worry about that. We were five trained armed strong men, what could a few civilians do? Besides we were there to help them, we weren’t a threat, nothing was supposed to happen.”

He took a deep breath again and you knew he was trying to keep himself calm.

“Nothing was supposed to happen,” he then sighed softly and stayed quiet for a little while. You didn’t say anything, you just waited and sat beside him, holding his hand in yours and softly rubbing your thumb over his skin.

“It was a trap and we walked right into it,” Bucky eventually continued,” Before we knew what happened we were surrounded. They weren’t civilians, they were heavily armed and their faces were covered up. They forced us on our knees, hands behind our head while they held us at gunpoint and took our weapons, I thought they were going to shoot us all right there, one by one but they didn’t. They only shot two of us.”

You squeezed Bucky’s hand.

“Right there in front of us” he continued,” I can still hear the gunshots and feel the blood splatters on my face, I hear Dugan’s scream when they shot his friend without any warning. I’ll never forget that fucking scream…”

Bucky took his hand away from yours, he hadn’t looked at you at all since he’d started talking. You weren’t sure what he needed, you wanted to offer him comfort but it was clear he didn’t want it right now so you put your hand back in your own lap and moved a bit further away from him.

“We thought they’d shoot us too but they didn’t,” Bucky continued without looking up,” They took us with them. They put a bag over our heads and pushed us into a car, we drove for what felt like hours, I’d never been so scared in my life. I had no idea where they took us but they put us in different rooms, right next to each other. The room was dark, there were no windows, no bed, nothing, just a dirty mattress on the floor. I was stripped of my clothes and chained to the wall. They just left me there, I don’t know how long, I couldn’t see if it was night or day, I had no idea how much time had passed before I finally saw someone again. They brought me food and water and for a moment that gave me hope, you know, if they wanted to kill me they wouldn’t feed me and keep me alive, right? That’d be stupid.”

Bucky swallowed hard,”It felt like weeks had gone by, or it could have been months I don’t know. I knew Dugan and Morita were right beside me through it all cause I could hear their screams through the wall. At first those screams were the worst thing I thought I’d ever hear, but after a while they turned into a source of comport, telling me at least I wasn’t alone there. It was the only thing I had to hold onto. Then one day Morita didn’t scream anymore, some time later, I don’t know how long, Dugan’s screams disappeared too and I was alone.”

Your heart sank.

“I knew they were dead,” Bucky’s voice was shaking but he held it together,” I knew I would be soon too and I was okay with it, I was…I just wanted it all to stop. But they didn’t kill me. They just kept me chained constantly, barely fed me enough so I wouldn’t die, the room was always dark and too hot. I started having nightmares some time after that, and some time after the hallucinations started. I’d wake up and see a bright light and American soldiers there to rescue me and take me home. But then I’d wake up again and I was still in the dark, still in chains and all alone. And those weren’t even the worst dreams.”

He took a deep breath,” The worst ones…were Steve.”

You shivered at the mention of Steve’s name and the emotion in Bucky’s voice.

“Steve was there, putting his arm around me and smiling, getting me out of that chain, telling me everything was okay and he would take me home. Steve was there every night, every single night, rescuing me in every possible way, fighting off my capturers, putting clothes on me, holding me so tight, keeping me safe. He always got me out of my cell and in that moment I felt so relieved and so happy but then every time I woke up…”

Tears were falling across your face, you didn’t bother to wipe them off.

“I wanted them to kill me,” Bucky continued, he was crying too now,” I didn’t know why they still kept me alive, and time passed, so much fucking time had passed. Were they even still looking for me? Had they ever looked for us or were we just assumed dead?”

“How long?” you hadn’t meant to interrupt him but you needed to know.

“I didn’t know at the time but 2 years and 7 months,” Bucky answered,” I was in that room for 2 years and 7 months…it felt a lot longer to me.”

Your heart was breaking.

“Near the end of it I think…I started losing my mind,” Bucky continued,” I no longer knew what was real and what wasn’t. I forgot who I was, or what I looked like, I forgot what daylight was, the concept of time, the world outside…New York seemed like a distance memory, a dream, I forgot…everything.”

Bucky’s voice turned softer,” Except Steve. They couldn’t take him from me, for some reason my mind wouldn’t let go and it became my only reason to stay alive, the only thing that kept me sane. To wait, for Steve to come save me. Only he didn’t come and the longer I waited the more I realized that he would never come save me, I was the only one who could do it. I don’t know where the strength came from, I think it was a last desperate attempt but I knew if I wanted to stay alive I would have to do it myself. I’d noticed they’d started slacking off in checking up on me, it used to be at least three different guys who came in from time to time and now it was only one, the same guy every time, I recognized him by his tattoo and the scar on his arm. And I remember thinking, what if he is alone too? What if the others were no longer there? What if I only had to get passed that one guy? I started hoping, I wasn’t even sure for what cause even if I did manage to get out somehow I was probably still in the middle of a fucking war zone but…I’d be able to see Steve again and that…I would have done anything in the world to see Steve again.”

Bucky wiped his tears from his face and took another deep breath,” But I…I had…the chain was around my shoulder on my left arm.”

Bucky stayed quiet for a moment and your heart started racing. This was the part of the story you’d been dreading and you weren’t sure you were up to hearing the rest of it.

“Do you want me to stop?” Bucky sensed your hesitation.

“No,” you quickly answered. Bucky had come this far, there was no way you were going to put him through this twice, you could be strong for him,” Please continue.”

He nodded his head and it stayed quiet for a few moments before he picked up,” I just watched the guy at first, watched how he moved, how he held his gun, how he always had his back to me while taking away empty plates, how he had a knife around his ankle every time. I planned it, and it worked perfectly in my head, I would take his gun and shoot him and then shoot my way out of this chain but…he saw me coming. In the struggle I only managed to grab the knife, not the gun. I did succeed in stabbing him though, close to the heart but he managed to stumble out of the room before he collapsed, right there in the hallway, with his gun next to him. There was no way for me to reach it…all I had was the knife.”

You swallowed and waited for him to continue.

“I wasn’t gonna go through with it at first,” Bucky continued,” I would just wait, someone had to come at some point, right? The door was wide open so I screamed and screamed until my voice gave in. I waited longer and screamed again but…days passed and there was no one, just me and this dead body on the floor. I killed my capturer but also the man who brought me food and water. My plan failed, it wasn’t going to free me, it was going to kill me. That was no longer a possibility but a certainty now, it was only a matter of time, I was going to die right there.”

Bucky breathed out slowly, reminding himself that this had all happened years ago and it could no longer hurt him. He could talk about it now and not feel the physical pain this time. That should work, in theory. It was just words, he said it to himself over and over like mantra, _it’s just words, just words and words can’t hurt you._

His voice was quiet and shaky when he finally continued,“I started cutting the chain at first but…there was no way to get through the metal. And after all that time it was set so deep into my skin there was no way for me to get it off. I tried pulling the whole thing out of the wall but I didn’t have enough strength left. Then I thought about just accepting it, just…die, just let it happen, you know. It wouldn’t even be that hard, not really, and there wouldn’t be any pain. All I had to do was lie there and wait, but then…I could see Steve’s face, his smile, his sad blue eyes, the little freckles around his nose, the way he threw his head back when he laughed, god his laugh, his voice…I couldn’t bear it, the idea of never seeing him again I couldn’t bear it. Dying was not an option.”

You cried quietly while Bucky continued.

“I knew the only way out was to cut myself free, it took me so long to work up the courage to actually do it, I kept shaking and crying, I couldn’t even hold the knife,” Bucky’s voice broke and you couldn’t stand it any longer. 

You moved closer and put your arms around him and this time Bucky didn’t pull back but leaned into you. He was trembling in your arms and you slowly ran your fingers through his hair, trying to keep him calm. You knew how easy it was to get lost inside these memories, you needed to keep him here in the present with you.

“It’s okay,” you whispered soothingly,” You’re safe now, it can’t hurt you anymore.”

Bucky’s hand softly grabbed yours, lacing your fingers together, before he continued,“ The pain I felt with that first cut…I can still feel it, the moment the knife hit the bone…I kept passing out, there was so much blood…so much blood….and I kept trying to picture Steve’s face…the pain was unbearable but I had to finish it…I had to…I had to keep cutting. So I did, I knew it would probably kill me but it didn’t even matter anymore, I just wanted it all to stop.”

He breathed out slowly a few times, calming himself down and leaning into your embrace.

“I never managed to get all of it,” he then continued,” when they found me….they found me in a pool of my own blood, hours later. My arm was ruined, I was lucky I didn’t bleed to death. That’s what they kept telling me when I woke up later in the hospital, _you are so lucky, so lucky to have made it out alive, James_.”

He shrugged and shook his head,” If only I had waited longer, just a few hours, I’d still have my fucking arm.”

Bucky let out a heavy sigh and angrily wiped away his tears,” They had to amputate the rest of it in the hospital, I was severely dehydrated and underfed, but apart from that I was fine, that’s what the doctors kept saying. _Lucky and fine_ , I got to go home and get back to my life. I was the only one from the five guys who went out that day to survive. I’d never know why they took us or why they kept me alive for so long, with what purpose. There’s no answers, no closure, no fucking reason at all except shit just happened. I was back in the US a few weeks later, I stayed with my mum at first but…the nightmares didn’t stop, I had panic attacks every single day, I couldn’t leave the house, I was violent and unstable and just basically an emotional wreck. She couldn’t handle it, I didn’t _want_ her to handle it, it was enough that my life was ruined I didn’t need to mess up hers as well. When I told Steve I was looking for an apartment he just took me in without even questioning it and here we are.”

He sighed and turned towards you, looking into your eyes for the first time.

“That’s it,” he then spoke softly,” That’s all of it.”

You wanted to hug him closer but this time Bucky did pull back from you and he shook his head,” I’m sorry, I need…”

“Do you want to be alone?” you asked.

“I…yes, I think so, I’m sorry, I’m just very tired right now.”

“It’s okay, Bucky,” you reassured him and leaned back too, giving him his space,” I know how hard this must have been for you, to talk about this, I’m really grateful that you did. And I’m so sorry about what happened.”

“Yeah,” he breathed and wiped away the last of his tears.

Bucky nodded his head but he was already staring out in front of him, retreating in his own mind the way he so often did when things were too much for him to handle. You looked at him for a few more seconds before you stood up. 

“I’m gonna go the bed,” you spoke softly,” If there’s anything you need, anything at all, just knock on my door, okay?”

He didn’t say anything but he nodded his head, acknowledging your offer. There was nothing more you could do to help him right now so you went back inside the apartment even though every part of you wanted to stay right there with him.

You still had tears in your eyes when you crawled into bed several minutes later and you knew Bucky’s story would keep you up that night. 

He’d let you see the most vulnerable, darkest part of him. You were grateful beyond words that he shared that with you and you knew what a huge step it was for him, but there were still so many steps to take to get to the heart of James Barnes. 

His wall was coming down though, brick by brick. You were both excited and anxious to take them all down.

***

Bucky stayed out on the balcony for a long time that night, the open space and soft wind calmed him down. There was still life and light in the city and he wanted to stay in it for as long as possible. The idea of going down to his own room, where he was all alone, in the dark, scared him tonight, something he didn’t want to admit to you.   
He hadn’t meant to send you away so abruptly but he’d needed some time to breathe and calm his own thoughts.

Steve closed the door of the bathroom behind him at the exact moment Bucky finally decided to step back inside. 

It was so dark in the hallway Steve couldn’t immediately see the red in Bucky’s eyes but something in Bucky’s demeanor told Steve something was off.

“Hey, everything okay, Buck?” he asked in a whisper. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, go back to sleep,” Bucky whispered back.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked again and took a step closer to Bucky so he could look into his eyes.

Bucky wasn’t sure what it was, the compassionate tone in Steve’s voice or that loving look in his eyes but he suddenly felt his entire world crumble and just when he thought he was out of tears for weeks to come, more started falling slowly.

He shook his head before taking a step closer to Steve, placing himself right in front of him. “No,” Bucky then breathed out,” No, I’m not okay.”

He leaned forward, dropping his head slowly onto Steve’s shoulder, asking for a hug without any words. Steve didn’t hesitate and quickly wrapped his arms around Bucky’s shoulders, pulling him in and holding him there. Steve’s body pressed up against Bucky’s for comfort, the strength of Steve’s hug was the exact strength Bucky had been looking for and he sighed a breath of relief and hugged Steve back.

“What happened?” Steve asked in a whisper.

“I told her,” Bucky sobbed,” Everything, Steve, I told her everything.”

Steve instantly hugged him even tighter. “I’m so proud of you, Buck,” he then whispered.

Bucky nodded his head.

“What do you need?” Steve asked.

“I don’t…I don’t wanna be alone,” Bucky’s voice was coated in tears,” but I’m scared I…the nightmares come when I’m unstable…and I feel so fucking unstable right now, Stevie…I might hurt you.”

Steve’s heart couldn’t have broken any more than it did in that moment. He held Bucky close and gently placed his hand in Bucky’s neck,” I don’t care,” he then whispered,” I don’t fucking care about the nightmares, I’ll hold you through it, whatever happens I’ll hold you through it.”

Bucky broke down into more sobs now and Steve didn’t waste any time, he guided them both towards his bedroom and helped Bucky into his bed. Bucky’s hands never left Steve, he seemed scared to break the contact, scared to be alone even for a second.

“It’s okay,” Steve reassured him,” I’m just gonna turn off the light.”

“Can we leave it on?” Bucky’s voice was unsure,” just…just for tonight.”

“Yeah, of course we can,” Steve obliged and made it look like no big deal at all, like Bucky wasn’t a grown ass man who just asked to sleep with the lights on like a scared little kid. Steve never made him feel that way and Bucky would forever be thankful for little things like that.

Steve settled them both under the covers, Bucky in his arms with his head on Steve’s shoulder and his body wrapped around Steve’s, seeking comfort, the exact opposite of how they lay here not so many nights ago. This time Steve was the anchor Bucky could hold onto.

“Stevie?” Bucky’s voice asked softly after a few minutes.

“Yeah, Buck?”

“I want…I…there’s things I want to say to you.”

“You can tell me anything,” Steve whispered,” anything at all, you know that.”

“Yeah, it’s…it’s complicated.”

“Anything, Buck, complicated stuff included.”

Bucky smiled and pressed his face into the crook of Steve’s neck.

“Not tonight,” he then spoke softly,” but…when I’m feeling a little better, can we talk? About us?”

Steve felt his stomach flip and he gently placed his hand in Bucky’s neck again, lifting his face so they were looking into each other’s eyes.

“You want to talk about us?” he then asked in a whisper.

“Yes,” Bucky whispered back to him, a hopeful look in his sad, blue eyes,” I mean if…that’s something you want?”

Steve bit his lip and nodded his head before leaning his forehead against Bucky’s, gently and without breaking eye contact.

“I’m here, whenever you’re ready,” Steve whispered the words so softly it put goosebumps on Bucky’s arm and his heart was suddenly beating a little faster.

Their eyes stayed locked for a long time after that, Steve could feel himself blush under Bucky’s gaze and it took al his strength not to lean forward and just press his lips against Bucky’s. He looked so vulnerable, so needy and so goddamn beautiful Steve’s heart was hammering in his chest and he knew Bucky could hear it.

Steve broke eye contact first and settled for a soft kiss on Bucky’s forehead instead. He knew tonight was not the night for the next step, he would wait until Bucky was ready, until Bucky was strong enough to come up to him and talk. 

Steve would wait and he would be ready. 

Oh god, he would be  _so_ ready.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You chat with both Bucky and Steve in the aftermath of Bucky’s heartbreaking story. And Steve and Bucky finally have ‘the talk’.
> 
> This chapter is a lot less heavy than the previous one, lots of fluff, comfort and kissing. And a little angst because I’m still me ;)
> 
> Thank you all for the wait, I hope to update quicker in the future but I can't make any promises!

Your night had been restless. Visions of Bucky being trapped and chained in a dark room were followed by more nightmares of Brock chasing you through the streets of the city. You kept trying to find Steve but every time you got close he disappeared right before you could get to him.

You woke up in cold sweat and feeling like you’d just ran a marathon in your dreams. 

After a long hot shower you stepped into the kitchen to find Steve.

“Coffee?” he asked.

“Yes, please,” you sighed and stepped closer to him.

“Did you manage to sleep at all?”

“A little,” you confessed,” Not a lot.”

His smile was compassionate and comforting,“I’m glad Bucky told you, you have no idea what a huge step that was for him.”

“I know,” you nodded your head.

“He hasn’t told anyone besides me, you know, not the details, not even his mom or sister, the fact that he felt comfortable enough with you to tell you…he really trusts you, Y/N.”

Your heart warmed hearing those words.

“I also feel compelled to point out that if you break that trust I’m gonna have to kill you,” Steve added.

You burst out laughing and Steve joined you but there was no doubt in your mind he was being serious.

“I would never do anything to hurt Bucky, Steve,” you moved closer to look into his eyes,” I swear on my life, in fact I feel the same way you do, anyone that does hurt him is just gonna have to die.”

Steve’s smile was warm and he leaned his forehead against yours before placing a soft, quick kiss on your lips. 

“So Bucky’s mum and sister, does he still see them often?” you then asked.

Steve shook his head,”No, his mum moved to the west coast to be with her sister when Bucky disappeared, she couldn’t stay in New York any longer when everything here reminded her of her missing son.”

Your heart sank.

“When he came back he tried living over there with her but that didn’t work out,” Steve continued.

“Yes, he told me about that.”

“He hasn’t really seen her since, but they Skype every week.”

Hearing that made you feel a little bit better.

“It’s just the traveling,” Steve explained,” his mum’s getting older and her health doesn’t really allow her to travel that far, and Bucky…well, we both know Bucky can’t travel anywhere, so…”

“What about his sister?”

“She came to visit last year but…it was hard, Bucky wasn’t in a good place and I think it scared her off a little, plus she has her own family and career, she’s always busy and doesn’t live that close. It’s basically just been me and Bucky these past years.”

You nodded your head.

“And now you,” Steve added with a warm smile on his face.

You put your hands on his chest and leaned into him,” What about you and your family? You never talk about them, or what happened with your mum.”

You felt Steve tense under your touch and part of you regretted asking him the question. You moved an arm around his shoulder and pulled him closer to you,” It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about this now.”

“It’s only ever been me and my mum,” Steve answered quietly,” She got sick shortly after I returned from war, it all happened so fast, she died 8 months after she got diagnosed. The cancer had spread, there was nothing they could do. They gave her six months, she held on for two more.”

Steve bit back tears and leaned into your hug, allowing you to hug him closer.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered.

You held him in your arms for a while until Steve cleared his throat and leaned back to look at you.

“What about your family?” he then asked.

“I don’t have any, I’m a foster kid,” you explained which seemed to surprise Steve,” I moved around a lot, went from one family to the other, none of them really stuck.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, none of them were horrible to me or anything, I was just a loner when I was a kid, I found it hard to let anyone in. None of the places I stayed in ever felt like a real home. Living with Brock was the first time I…” you swallowed those words,” and we know how that turned out.”

This time Steve was the one to pull you closer.

He held you against his chest and whispered into your ear,” You have a home now, and it’s always going to be here.”

You smiled thankfully.

“I can walk you to work if you want,” he then suggested.

“I think I’m going to take a personal day, I don’t think I’d be very focussed on the job today after…I just keep seeing these images in my head of what Bucky told me.”

Steve nodded his head,” I was messed up for weeks when he first told me what happened, couldn’t get it out of my head, I just kept thinking… if I’d been with him that day maybe I could have done something, stopped it from happening. If it had been me on that mission and not him he would have been unharmed. If I hadn’t given up searching for him maybe I could have saved him before he lost his arm.”

“That’s a lot of if’s, Steve. There’s nothing you could have done.”

“We’ll never know that, won’t we?” Steve sighed.

“There’s nothing _anybody_ could have done, if you’d been with him you’d probably be dead now.”

“You know he did it because of me, right?” Steve then said,” Did he tell you that part? How I was the reason he wanted to make it out? How he cut off his arm for me?”

“Is that what you think?” you looked deep into his eyes and shook your head in disbelief,” Steve, you saved his life. His friendship, or whatever he felt for you, helped him survive, you saved his life.”

Steve sighed and shook his head, unwilling to accept your words.

“That’s why you feel so guilty,” you realized,” It’s not just about leaving him out there, it’s because you blame yourself for his arm.”

Steve looked at you without saying a word but his eyes told you everything you needed to know.

“Stop it, right now. Steve, you can’t change what happened, it happened, it’s done. All you can control is what happens from now on. And you don’t need to carry that around for the rest of your life, none of it. You need to…”

“Let it go,” he finished your sentence with a heavy sigh,” Yeah, it’s not that easy.”

You looked at him,” Have you talked to anyone? At the VA I mean, you help a lot of people and listen to a lot of people’s problems but do you have someone who actually listens to you?”

He shook his head,” No. I’m fi…”

“If you say fine I will literally smack you in the head, Steve Rogers.”

He smiled softly.

“Promise me you’ll think about it,” you then added.

“Okay, fine, I promise,” he granted,” I’ll look into it. God, I don’t know who’s more pushy, you or Bucky.”

“Well, we both love you and want you to be happy.”

Steve’s smile grew into a big grin and he pulled you closer,” I’ll talk to Sam about setting me up with someone, okay, happy now?”

“I will be if you kiss me,” you grabbed his shirt and pulled him in, he obliged with a smile and softly pressed his lips to yours in a lingering kiss.

***

You spent the rest of that day doing absolutely nothing and Steve joined you. He sat on the balcony drawing while you laid with your head in his lap, dozing off in the warm sunlight. 

Bucky slept in and then spent most of the afternoon by himself in the library. You and Steve both understood he needed some alone time today so you both kept your distance and let him be.

The sun was already starting to go down by the time Bucky finally showed his face, Steve was in the kitchen wrapping up something to eat when Bucky strolled onto the balcony. He didn’t say a word as he sat down next to you and just looked out at the city in front of him. You couldn’t help but stare at him.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he finally spoke after a few minutes of silence.

“Like what?”

“Like you feel sorry for me.”

“I don’t…I…I didn’t meant to,” you confessed, you didn’t want to lie to him but you also couldn’t help but feel for him,” You’ve been through so much, Bucky.”

“So have you,” he turned his face to look at you. 

“Yeah, but…”

“What? You think your pain is inferior to mine? Pain is pain, doll, it’s not a competition.”

“I don’t want you to think I feel sorry for you, okay, I just…you are so loved, you know that, right?”

“You and Steve won’t let me forget it,” he looked at you with that soft smile that always made your heart melt. “Yes, I know,” he then added.

“Good,” you smiled,” And I am sorry, James, I hate it when people pity me, I’d never wanna make you feel that way.”

“You don’t, it’s fine.” he reassured you. 

You both looked up when Steve opened the balcony door,” Anyone hungry?”

Dinner was spent in the same relaxed manner as always. All serious conversation was avoided for a few hours while you and the guys enjoyed Steve’s cooking. 

After helping with the dishes you decided to call it a night, the lack of sleep from the previous night was still weighing on you and you also wanted to give the boys some time alone. 

Both Steve and Bucky gave you a long lingering hug before letting you leave the room. You went to bed with a smile on your face, there wouldn’t be any nightmares that night.

After cleaning up in the kitchen Steve was ready to follow your lead and head to his own bed but he noticed Bucky had turned quiet after dinner. He was putting away the plates and glasses but he looked completely distracted while doing so.

“Hey, Buck, you okay?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, I…I’m fine…um…do you wanna stay up with me for a bit?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay,” Bucky nodded his head and leaned back against the kitchen counter. Steve could feel the nerves practically bouncing off of him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing at all,” Bucky reassured him and he let out a deep sigh,” Can we just go back to the balcony and talk?”

“Yeah, of course, anything you wanna talk about.”

“I wanna talk about us.”

This time Steve was the one feeling all nervous. 

He’d been waiting to hear those words from Bucky, it was all he’d wanted for so long but now that Bucky actually said it Steve suddenly felt scared. 

What if Bucky didn’t feel the same way? What if Bucky just wanted to talk to finally put an end to Steve’s last hope? What if it was all too complicated and Bucky decided he really just wanted to be friends? 

Could Steve even live with that now, after all?

“Steve?” Bucky pulled him from his thoughts.

“Yeah,” Steve whispered,” Yeah, let’s talk.”

He followed Bucky back onto the balcony and sat down next to him on the pile of cushions on the floor. They were both quiet for a long time, both of them too nervous to start up this conversation.

“Well,” Steve broke the silence after a while and he gave Bucky an encouraging little smile,” for this to work I guess one of us is gonna have to actually start talking.”

“Yeah…I…it should be me,” Bucky’s voice was shaking a little and Steve reached out, carefully placing his hand on Bucky’s knee and giving him a reassuring little squeeze.

“It’s okay, Buck,” he then whispered,” You know you can tell me anything. Open up to me, please.”

Bucky nodded his head and took a deep breath, urging himself to find the words and the courage to speak them.

“Okay,” he then spoke, softly, while looking up at Steve,” You were the first guy I ever kissed, did you know that?”

Steve shook his head,” No, I…I didn’t.”

“When you kissed me that night, all those years ago…you messed me up so bad, Stevie,” Bucky continued,” You had no idea what that kiss did to me, I never even knew I liked guys before you. I didn’t know what to do with that and it scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry, if I had known that I never would have kissed you like that, Buck.”

“But I’m glad you did, I am so glad you did, I just…I didn’t know if that kiss meant as much to you as it did to me, we’d both been partying that night, we were high on adrenaline…and vodka if I remember correctly,” he smiled softly at the memory,” I thought it was just a drunk kiss to you when to me it was…it changed my life, Steve. But then we got shipped out a few days later and suddenly kissing boys became the least of my worries.”

“That kiss meant everything to me, Buck,” Steve confessed softly and let his eyes meet Bucky’s,” I wasn’t drunk that night, I only had one glass and I only did it because I’d been dreaming of kissing you for weeks and I hoped the alcohol would finally fill me with the courage to actually do it.”

Bucky sighed,“ I wish you’d told me that then.”

“When? Right before we left for war? Or when you got back after I thought you were dead? When I visited you in the hospital? Or when I found you here weeks later crying on my doorstep? When I held you through another nightmare? There was never a right time to bring that up, not after everything…it seemed so unimportant in the scheme of things.”

Bucky nodded his head,” Yeah, I know.”

“I just wanted you to get better,” Steve added,” That was all that mattered, Buck, it would have been completely selfish of me to think of anything else, I just wanted to help you, keep you safe.”

“And you did,” Bucky looked at him and gave him a little soft smile,” You did, Stevie.”

They both sat quietly for a few minutes, Steve’s hand still on Bucky’s leg.

“You could have brought it up when I kissed you again at your birthday party,” Bucky then pointed out.

Steve smiled. “I was overwhelmed then,” he confessed with a blush on his cheeks.

“Are you still?” Bucky asked,” overwhelmed?”

Their eyes locked and this time neither of them looked away.

“Every single day,” Steve whispered and carefully moved closer to Bucky, eyes never leaving the other. Steve’s heart was beating so fast in his chest and he could feel Bucky’s doing the same.

“Do you still want to kiss me?” Bucky then asked.

Steve moved his hand up to cup Bucky’s cheek, staring at Bucky’s beautiful face as if he was seeing it for the first time, before he answered,” Every single day.”

They both leaned in until their lips touched in a soft kiss. Steve hadn’t been lying, he really was overwhelmed having Bucky this close and finally being able to kiss him without holding back. He didn’t want to rush it, wanted to give Bucky the time and space he needed but Bucky didn’t need another second away from him.   
He grabbed Steve’s neck and pulled him in.

Bucky didn’t stop kissing him this time, there was no hesitation, the kiss was soft and sweet but filled with years of built up craving. Bucky was biting at Steve’s lower lip before licking into his mouth and opening Steve up, kissing him deeper, tasting Steve’s mouth, brushing their tongues together until they were both breathing heavily and clinging to each other.

Bucky had one hand firmly on Steve’s neck and the other on his waist, Steve had both hands fisted into Bucky’s shirt, keeping him as close as he possibly could, not wanting to let go ever again.

Neither of them kept track of time, they could have been kissing for hours or merely minutes, they were too lost in the other’s lips to even care. 

Finally they broke apart to catch their breath, both blushing and still panting a little.

“I can’t believe we waited so long to do that again,” Steve breathed and bit his lip.

“Me neither,” Bucky grinned and let his thumb run over Steve’s lips,“ You taste amazing.”

“So do you,” Steve whispered.

And just like that they were kissing again.

****

You were busy cleaning up the last empty tables in the restaurant a few days later. Your shift was nearing its end and your mind was already back at the apartment with Steve and Bucky, when one of your colleagues tapped you on the shoulder.

“There’s someone on the phone for you,” she stated.

“Oh, I can call back later if you know who it was.”

“He didn’t give a name, but It’s okay, I’ll finish up here, you go and enjoy your night.”

You gave her a thankful smile and made your way behind the counter to pick up the phone. 

You hadn’t given it any second thought, why Steve or Bucky would call the restaurant and not your cellphone like they always did.   
You should have known before you picked up and realized it was him. 

“Don’t hang up.”

You almost dropped the phone.

“Please don’t hang up,” he asked again, his voice suddenly so real and so close, right there in your ear. Like a blast from the past and it threw you back months to when this voice was the only one you’d hear on a daily basis.

It took a few seconds for you to find your own voice again,“ Why are you calling me, Brock?”

“I just wanna talk,” he pleaded, his tone was calm and soft, there was nothing threatening in there,” I just want to talk but you’re always with one of them, the blond or the dark one, I can never get you alone.”

“I wonder why that is,” you sighed angrily.

“Wait, don’t get angry, I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what exactly?” you were shaking your head,” You know what, don’t answer that, it doesn’t even matter anymore. Please stop following me, I don’t want or need anything from you anymore. Just stay away.”

For a few seconds he stayed quiet and then his voice was nothing but a defeated sigh, “I can’t do that.”

Of course, you hadn’t expected it to be that easy.

“What do you want?” you sighed.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think since you’ve been gone, I know I messed up, I should have never laid a hand on you.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

“Can we please just talk? In person, just the two of us?”

“Not a chance in hell, Brock.”

“Please, just…if you don’t want to fix things between us can we at least end things in a civil manner. Face to face, let me…I want to apologize to you and I think you need to hear it.”

You stayed quiet.

“We both need closure, you can’t deny that,” he then added.

For a moment there you actually wanted to believe him. Because he was right, you did want closure and part of you was dying for a genuine apology from him, but you knew it was something he could never give you. 

“You pick the place,” he continued in that same calm tone,” You can make it as public as you want if that makes you feel safer, I just need you to come alone.”

You knew he was telling you exactly what he thought you wanted to hear. This was all just another trick to get close to you and there was no way you were going to fall for it again.

“No.”

“Come on, please, don’t hang up, don’t….”

You cut him off by hanging up the phone, your hands were shaking as you put it back down on the counter.

Your colleague noticed your stressful state and was with you immediately,” Hey, is everything okay? You look like you just saw a ghost?”

“Something like that…I…I need to call someone…”

“Sure, just go home, honey, I can lock up on my own tonight.”

“Thanks.”

You picked your cellphone from your pocket, surprised by how hard your hand was still shaking as you dialed his number. 

“Hey, sweetheart, what’s up?”

The sound of Steve’s familiar, soft voice was all you needed to break down and before you could even utter a word to him you started crying.

“What’s wrong?” you could hear the instant panic in Steve’s words,” What happened?”

“Can you please come pick me up?” you sobbed, hating yourself for not being able to keep it together for at least a few minutes longer.

“Stay right where you are, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter: You and Steve grow closer together, physically, this is the smutty part many of you have been waiting for ;)
> 
> So 18+ for this chapter for some explicit sexual content and language.
> 
> Other than the smut this chapter is mostly fluff and a tiny bit of angst near the end.

“I’m sorry, Steve, it’s fine, I’m…I’m probably overreacting,” you managed to speak through your tears,” I’m fine, I’ll just wait for Bucky, you don’t have to…”

“I’m already in the city, I’ll be with you in less than 10 minutes, you stay right where you are.”

You hung up the phone and waited inside the restaurant for Steve to arrive. 

You weren’t sure why hearing Brock’s voice upset you so much, you knew all along he was still watching you, waiting for his chance. You also knew you were completely safe in the restaurant and he couldn’t get to you here, and yet hearing that voice so close, as if he was right there next to you, had you in a crippling fear you hadn’t felt in months.

You hated it, hated him and most of all how weak he could still make you feel.

Steve was there in less than 7 minutes.

He didn’t say anything, didn’t even ask you what happened. He just rushed towards you and wrapped you up in his arms, hugging you softly while caressing your hair and bringing his lips up to your ear.

“I’m here,” he whispered,” I’m here, baby, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

You wanted to disappear into his warm hug, let his comforting words chase away every scared bone in your body until the name Brock was just a distant memory that no longer affected you and all you could see and feel was Steve.

You clung to him and he reciprocated, hugging you tighter.

“It’s okay,” he whispered,” You’re safe with me, I promise.”

You took the subway back home.   
  
Steve never let go of your hand; keeping you close to him at all times. He didn’t hesitate to hug you every opportunity he got, whispering more words of comfort in your ear.   
You knew people were watching you both, the way they watched annoying clingy couples who couldn’t stop touching each other in public, but today you didn’t give a shit.

You cherished Steve’s hands on you, and by the time you neared your last stop his hands weren’t the only thing on you. 

He’d started softly kissing your neck while pressing you up against the door of the train, almost making you both miss your stop because you were too wrapped up in kissing each other.  
You’d been so focussed on Bucky and Bucky’s issues lately you’d almost forgotten how amazing it felt to have Steve touch you.   
Steve’s kisses lately had been quick and sweet, the kisses he was giving you tonight were lingering and full of promise. 

It was dark by the time you both entered the apartment. Steve had taken a little distance during the walk home, just holding your hand and giving you both some time to cool down. But you didn’t want to cool down this time.

“Are you hungry?” Steve asked.

You shook your head,” No, I just wanna go to bed.”

Steve nodded and let go of your hand,” Okay.”

“Your bed,” you added softly.

His eyes locked with yours, the look on his face all serious before reaching out and taking your hand again.

“I mean,” you whispered,” if you…”

“Yes,” he answered before you could finish.

You followed Steve to his room. 

The idea of being intimate with someone again made you nervous, it was years since you’d last had sex with anyone besides Brock. And all you remembered was the last time with him, which hadn’t exactly been a great memory. 

Sex hadn’t been a priority in your life ever since, for some time you actually thought you’d never let someone come that close to you again and you were just better off without it.

But now, standing in front of Steve, his eyes so dark and filled with lust while he nervously bit his lip, you had never wanted anyone as much as you wanted him right now.

And just like that all your nerves faded.

Steve gently pulled your shirt up over your head, you followed his lead by unbuttoning his shirt and pushing it off of him. You both took the time to just undress each other, slowly and softly, taking in every inch of the other’s body until you were both left in nothing but your underwear.

Steve’s fingers brushed over the scars on your stomach, he only looked at them briefly before looking into your eyes again.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered,” They are…”

“Shhh,” he put his hands on your hips and leaned his forehead against yours,” You’re perfect, every inch of you.”

You smiled and leaned in until your lips found his in a slow kiss. Steve’s hands moved across the skin of your lower back, up to cup your face in his hands and deepen the kiss.

You put your hands on his chest and slowly pushed him forward until he reached the bed and sat down. Steve didn’t hesitate to pull you down on his lap, kissing you deeper and holding you close to him.

“Steve,” you breathed softly.

His lips found your neck in another long kiss and your eyes closed in a soft moan. Your fingers tangled into his hair and you leaned back to give him better access to your neck.

After a while Steve moved back on the bed and lifted you with him.

For a second he moved to climb on top of you but he changed his mind at the last second and just pulled you next to him, leaving you room to control your own movements and also space to pull back if you wanted to. 

You knew it was a deliberate move on his part and you felt thankful for it.

He gently pulled your leg up around his waist, pulling your entire body against his in the process. His hand cupped your ass while he rolled his hips forward, making you feel his growing erection through the thin fabric of his boxers. 

His one hand squeezed your ass while the other softly ghosted over your breast. Your nipples hardened at the mere touch of his thumb.

“Steve,” you moaned again, unable to find any other words to convey how badly you wanted him.

“Are you sure?” he whispered.

“Yes,” you moved your hips to meet his thrusts, the friction making him breathe hard and buck his hips in return.

“We can go slow,” he reassured you. His words were a contrast to his now fully hardened cock pushing up against you,” We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want…”

“I want,” you interrupted him and shut him up with a kiss. “I want, so badly, Steve,” you added.

He carefully moved his hand underneath the fabric of your panties, cupping your bare ass and squeezing your skin before he gently pulled them down your legs.

He pulled you back into his arms as soon as you were naked.

“Hey, look at me, baby,” he whispered,” Look at me.”

Your hand moved across his back to push down his boxers but Steve wasn’t cooperating. 

His hand cupped the back of your head, his fingers tangled into your hair while he looked deep into your eyes,”If I do something, anything, you’re not comfortable with you tell me and we stop, okay?”

“I’m fine,” you waved away his concern but the look in his eyes was dead serious. There was no doubt in your mind that if you told him to stop right now he would move back in a second.

“I need to hear you say it,” Steve insisted.

“Okay,” you caved,” Okay.”

“Good,” he smiled softly before leaning in and kissing you, picking up right where he left off. His mouth moved down to kiss your neck, your shoulders and your breasts. He had you moaning his name again in no time. His hand moved in between your thighs, teasing you some more, touching you everywhere except where you needed him.

You pulled at his boxers again and this time he allowed you to pull them down his legs, leaving you both naked.

You wrapped your leg back around him and pulled him close. You both gasped at that first touch of his cock against your folds. Steve moaned your name, it may have been the most beautiful sound you’d ever heard come from his lips and it was followed by a series of even more delicious moans as he nudged your opening with his tip.

“Please,” you urged him,” Please, Steve.”

He bit his lip and smiled that soft smile that always made you weak. Then he kissed your lips in a kiss so slow and so deep it only made you crave him inside you even more.

While kissing you he moved one hand in between you both until his fingers found your clit. The soft contact was almost enough to push you over the edge.

“Oh god,” you moaned and clung to his shoulders for support.

His deep voice breathing hard right in your ear was almost too much to bear.

“God, I want you so fucking bad,” he whispered heavily,” I wanna fuck you so fucking bad.”

You rolled your hips up to meet his fingers, desperate for more friction. You were so close and he knew it. He was giving you just enough to keep you on the edge and not more.

“I’m so close, please, please don’t stop,” you begged him.

And with those words he removed his fingers and replaced them with the head of his cock.

He leaned his forehead against yours, searching your eyes for any form of protest he wouldn’t find there.

“Yes,” you nodded your head and cupped his cheek,” Please, yes.”

“I’ll be so gentle with you, I promise,” he whispered as his hand wrapped around his cock and he slowly pushed himself inside you. He stopped at any sign of discomfort from you but you only encouraged him to keep going until he was buried deep inside you. 

“You okay?” he breathed.

“Yes.”

He pulled you close against him, keeping completely still, letting you get used to the feel of him inside you,” Look at me, baby, I want your eyes on me.”

You did as he asked and were taken aback by the loving warm look in his beautiful blue eyes. 

You ran your fingers through his hair and kissed his lips, softly at first but a little more needy after he reciprocated, licking into your mouth. He was breathing hard and started moving his hips very slowly.

“I’ll be gentle,” he then repeated in a whisper while he started thrusting a little faster and pushing his forehead against yours. You could tell he was holding back, still afraid to push you too far.

“Let go,” you moaned into his mouth,” Please, let go, Steve, you can’t hurt me.”

He whimpered when your nails dug deep into his back. “Oh god…fuck, you feel so fucking good.”

He was thrusting harder now, finally giving into his own needs and slamming into you with a force that had you right on the edge with him. He grabbed hold of your hips and started fucking you faster and deeper. He buried his face into your neck, kissing and sucking your skin and moaning your name in between.

“I’m so close, baby,” he breathed,” I can’t hold back…I can’t…I’m gonna…”

You came seconds before Steve did, the heat in your belly finally exploded and the fall that followed was everything you’d wanted tonight. It felt like you disappeared with him, there was only Steve and nothing else in your world and you clung to him for dear life, taking him over the edge with you.

Steve came hard with one final deep thrust and he buried his face into the crook of your neck, moaning your name through his orgasm.

He made you see stars. You may not have had sex in a really long time but you were pretty sure your orgasms never used to last that long.

The room was spinning when you opened your eyes again.

Neither of you had moved, Steve was still inside you and didn’t make any attempts to move away and you didn’t want him to either. All you wanted was to keep him close, stay in this moment with him a little while longer. His fingers were tracing patterns on your shoulder and neck and then his eyes found yours again. 

He looked so tired all of a sudden, but it was a good, happy tired. You returned his smile and he nuzzled your cheek and cuddled up to you before speaking the words that made your heart leap.

“I love you,” he whispered.

It took you less than a second to say it back to him. 

“I love you too, Steve.”

***

Steve was up before you the next morning, you remembered him leaving the bed and kissing you before slipping out of the bedroom and letting you sleep in. You found him a few hours later sitting at the kitchen counter reading the newspaper. 

“Morning,” he smiled.

“Hey,” you moved close to him and without any warning slipped your hands underneath his shirt to feel the strong muscle of his back under your fingers. Your lips softly kissed his neck and he sighed heavily in response, leaning into your kisses and wrapping his arms around you.

“Hey,” he breathed.

You stopped kissing after a while to look at him.

“Are you seriously blushing right now?” you asked surprised,” after last night?”

“I’m…last night…I..,” he sighed and shook his head nervously before meeting your eyes,” Last night was everything I’ve wanted for so long but I…I’d wanted our first time to be slow, and romantic, and I just really wanted to take my time with you and make it so special…”

“Steve,” you interrupted him,” We’re not 16 anymore, last night was perfect in every way for me, it was…it was the best sex I ever had in my life.”

“Really?” his eyebrows lifted in surprise and his lips curled into a small satisfied grin.

“Yes, really, idiot,” you reassured him and playfully hit him on his firm chest.

He leaned his forehead against yours. “It was for me too,” he then whispered,” but next time I am taking my sweet time with you.”

“I look forward to it,” you smiled and softly pressed your lips on his. 

Steve hugged you closer and deepened the kiss, a promise that _next time_ wouldn’t be that far away.

You both broke apart when Bucky stepped into the kitchen.

“Morning, Bucky,” you smiled.

Bucky took one look at you and Steve and then started grinning,” Oh my god, you two fucked.”

“What?!”

“Bucky!” Steve’s voice was firm,” Can we not…not use that word, please? Jesus!”

“You had no problem using that word last night though,” you teased and Steve started blushing even harder now, shaking his head but laughing anyway.

“I knew it!” Bucky smiled.

Steve covered his face with one hand and sighed deeply before stepping up to Bucky.

“Is this okay?” he put his hands on Bucky’s hips, looking deep into his eyes,” I need to know that you’re okay with this.”

“I told you, Steve, it’s fine,” Bucky reassured him and to emphasize his words he leaned closer and softly pressed a kiss to Steve’s lips, instantly calming him down.

Steve pulled him closer and nodded his head, a relieved smile on his lips.

“Hey, there’s no jealousy here,” Bucky then whispered and leaned his forehead against Steve,” I promise.”

Steve couldn’t help but lean in and kiss him again, brushing his tongue past Bucky’s lips who reciprocated eagerly.

You watched with a smile on your face when both men turned their heads to you.

“Is this okay with you, doll?” Bucky then asked,” no jealousy?”

“Oh, I’m feeling a lot of things right now but jealousy’s definitely not one of them,” you smiled at both of them and gave them a reassuring nod,” You know I’m fine with this, please don’t waste one second worrying about it. I’m gonna grab a shower before breakfast.”

You left both men alone and headed for the bathroom. You couldn’t keep the smile off your face. There were no lies in your words, seeing Steve and Bucky together only made your heart burn for both of them even more. And seeing them both let down their walls like that and grow closer together, finally kissing, was a beautiful thing to see.

It was a mystery how it worked, the three of you, it shouldn’t but it did and you couldn’t wait to see how far it could grow.

Steve took Bucky’s hand in his and pulled him close after you left.

“Hey, are you sure this is okay with you?” he asked softly.

Bucky smiled again,” It really is, Stevie.”

“Because…what I feel for her doesn’t change what I feel for you, you know that, right?”

Bucky leaned closer to nuzzle Steve’s neck and nodded his head,” I know, babe.”

Steve’s fingers tangled into Bucky’s hair and he pulled him into a tight hug. They stood like that for several minutes, until Steve leaned back to put another kiss on Bucky’s lips.

He still couldn’t believe how lucky he was, that this was something he got to do now, just kiss Bucky whenever he felt like it and have Bucky kiss him back with that same fire.

Bucky smiled into the kiss,” I want that…with you too. Sex, I mean.”

“Yeah?” Steve whispered.

“I want all of it, Stevie, but…I’m scared too.”

“That’s okay,” Steve cupped his cheek and looked deep into Bucky’s eyes,” We don’t have to take all the steps in one day, there’s time. Just…you set the pace, okay? I’ll follow.”

Bucky smiled relieved.

“I’ll follow you to the end of the world, you know that,” Steve whispered and Bucky shook his head and smiled sweetly.

“You’re so dramatic, Rogers,” he then rolled his eyes and placed another quick kiss on Steve’s lips before stepping out of his hug. Steve smiled shyly.

“Hey,” Bucky added,” if you’ll follow me to the end of the world how about making me breakfast first?”

“Sure, Buck, what would you like?”

“Surprise me,” Bucky sat down at the kitchen counter, leaning on his elbow and watching Steve with a happy grin on his face as he opened the fridge.

****

You were alone on the balcony later that night when Steve joined you. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, Steve, more than okay.”

He sat down next to you, gently taking your hand in his and lacing your fingers together,“ So…you never actually told me what happened last night, with Brock.”

“I was kinda glad you didn’t ask,” you pointed out.

“Well, I’m asking now,” Steve insisted while rubbing your skin with his thumb,”What happened that got you so upset?”

“He called me,” you sighed,” and it just…I don’t know, it was so completely out of the blue, to hear his voice like that. He didn’t sound angry, or aggressive, at all, he was the opposite, Steve. Calm, and polite, patient and…almost genuine.”

Steve was shaking his head,” Don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“What did he ask you to do?”

“Nothing,” you sighed,” Just…he wants to apologize, in person, patch things up, give me closure.”

Steve let go of your hand, his face suddenly filled with anger. “ _Give_ you closure?”

“I know it’s an excuse to see me, Steve, but…maybe I need to, maybe that’s the one thing he said that’s actually true. I do need closure, I want to move on.”

“You think he’ll actually stop all this if you meet with him? Tell me you’re not that stupid.”

Your eyes met his and he sighed,” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“Maybe he’s finally getting it, that I’m not coming back, maybe…”

“He doesn’t want to move on, he wants you back, don’t fucking fall for it.”

“Steve,” you shook your head and avoided his angry eyes but he placed himself right in front of you, both hands on your waist to force you to look at him.

“Promise me,” he then spoke softly but firmly,” Promise me right now that you will not meet with him.”

You stayed quiet and Steve cupped your cheek into his large warm hand. There was genuine fear in his eyes and you were lost for words seeing him look at you like that.

“Promise me,” he then begged,“ I can’t lose you, not after…” His voice cracked and you could actually hear him bite back a sob.

You immediately felt bad for worrying him. You wrapped your arms around his neck and held him close. “You’re not gonna lose me,” you whispered and he sighed relieved and hugged you back even tighter.

“Look, I promise I won’t go see him without telling you first, so you can keep an eye on me, how’s that?” you then added.

He smiled softly and caressed your hair.

“I still don’t like it,” he then said but you noticed his eyes looked calmer.

“I mean it, Steve,” you then added,” If I really want to move on from him then maybe this is just something I need to do. Face him.”

“Maybe me and Bucky just need to go kick his ass.”

Those words put a smile on your face but you were shaking your head,” Brock’s my demon, not yours, or Bucky’s, I need to be the one to overcome him, not you guys. Can you understand that?

Steve nodded his head and softly kisses your temple,” I do actually. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it, because I fucking don’t.”

He pulled you back into the safety of his arms and you closed your eyes, leaning against his chest.“ You wouldn’t be my Steve if you did,” you then smiled. 

“I just don’t want him to hurt you again,” he then whispered softly,” I love you too much to let that happen, you hear me?”

Your heart ached with his words and suddenly you felt tears in your eyes, happy tears this time. When Steve noticed you were crying he pulled you onto his lap and held you in his arms, patiently caressing your hair and lower back while putting soft kisses on your forehead.

“I hear you,” you finally managed to speak and you smiled through your tears.

 


End file.
